kusumawangi

i'm now down with fever, with a stomach that's feeling really weird. been lying on the bed the whole day and i feel very weak. more on that later.

(watch no football, skip next paragraph.)

okay so arsenal is effectively out of the title race. and manchester united is going to win the title. arsenal's early season defensive strength is now no more than just a myth. well i think i'll look forward to next season then. haha that's all.

last sunday there was a malay production in school called kusumawangi. we went down to catch the play - and it was quite good actually. i thought the whole thing was superb. maybe the tickets were abit pricey, but well it's a one-off thing anyway. but well done to all those involved in the play. for such a long play and within the time constraint they had balancing studies and all, i thought they did a fantastic job. haha. after the play we all camwhored till we were the last ones to still be there actually. i haven't uploaded since i aws busy, and now that i'm sick i can't be bothered too.

monday came and i hear stories. both happy and sad. i'm really happy for some of my friends whose lives have taken a turn for the better. i feel mine has too. so we are all very happy together. hearing such stories and accounts and seeing smiles on the faces of my friends makes me feel happy for them too. although i do hear sad stories. well i feel for you all, my friends. i do hope things would turn out for the better for all of you. God-willing, it will. so don't worry.

then suddenly yesterday i was down with fever all of a sudden. we went to burger king to have dinner, then while i was in there i felt very cold for some reason. then when i went back to the library i realised that i was going to fall sick. the library was terribly cold, even though i had my jumper on. thn i kept yawning away, and my eyes were so watery. i had trouble concentrating on my readings, and by the time nighttime came i knew i had fever.

i was lucky syikin's dad gave me a ride home, because when i got home i totally caved in to the fever. haha. i was really wondering how could i have 'survive' the train ride home when i was down with fever. the thing about me is, i hardly get fever. there have been instances whereby like i could go on for 2-3 years without falling sick, so when i do fall sick, i really really fall sick. so now i feel that the fever has sapped my strength away. yesterday my body was really burning, maybe i could have fried an egg on my forehead. today the fever subsided, but i felt really weak and lethargic. i laid on the bed the whole day yet i can't really fall asleep. and my stomach feel really weird. it's feels like the stomach isn't digesting any of the food i've consumed, since it feels very watery. haha. luckily i have no school just now and tomorrow. hopefully by friday i shall be back to 100%. it's such a waste that i didn't study today because i just couldn't, and tomorrow seems like another wasted day recuperating.

oh well. i pray i get well soon.

dear you,
thank you very much for everything. i appreciate it all. :)

she brings me brighter days.

captain

this week is a week full of all types of emotions.

(skip the next 3 paragraphs if you don't follow football.)

yesterday for the first time in probably eons i caught a champions league match live. it kicked off at 230am, which was an hour earlier than normal, and i started school at 4pm today anyway so i could tune in. well i caught liverpool-arsenal, and to be honest - i think it was really arsenal being luckless. i thought we had hope after walcott went on that crazy mazy run that stretched almost 3/4 length of the pitch and squared the ball for adebayor to score. but a freaking dubious penalty (it was really 50-50, any other referee might not have given it) spoilt it all. then the babel counter-attacked which resulted in a goal really made it seem as if arsenal was really that horrible. i hate the way arsenal lost last night. i was up and about prancing around in my room, just shouting at myself in frustration at 4+ am in the morning. haha i haven't been so frustrated and so emotional watching football for a very long time. even the arsenal defeat to barcelona in the champions league final 2 years ago i could stomach. but to lose in such a stupid manner - i really went to bed feeling frustrated and dejected.

anyway if you watched arsenal play yesterday, i really think there's something wrong with the team. i really don't like some of their players. i don't think diaby is good. i've never really thought much of eboue. gallas is really not the leader arsenal needs right now, and his hairstyle is really ugly. clichy is not really the player he used to be. especially after that loss of concentration against birmingham he really looks out of depth. senderos was found wanting when hyypia scored yesterday, and i don't rate him much. bendtner sucks big time, and even more so after blocking fabregas' shot in the first leg against liverpool. for all of the stick adebayor got, i think at least now he's maturing. for god's sake wenger - please buy more experienced players, who will fit in the team. names like menez, schweinsteiger and diego have been tossed up. please dip into your pockets and buy like 1 or 2 of these players. the club looks out of depth and even if arsenal spends prudently or frugally or whatever, seriously abit of splurging wouldn't hurt. i find it amazing arsenal's record signing is still sylvian wiltord at 13million pounds. compare it with 26million for torres, 30million for shevchenko and 20+ million for rooney and veron.(remember him?)

anyway nothing much from last weekend's goals - just that go and catch the highlights of the palermo-juventus game. the goals that palermo scored are just superb. they beat juve 3-2 anyway. watch out for the last goal. it's really a good goal. other than that that's all. apparently arsenal and manchester united square off this weekend at old trafford. we can win, but the way i see some of the youngsters who play - i can't help feeling disturbed.

i'm a tad disappointed i got B for my marcos and suharto essay. i was hoping mayb a B+ would be good, but it's always the same thing - i'm too long-winded and wordy. haha i know that very well. i speak in circles and i'm vague. that's how i am with my mom and with my friends, when i blog, and also in essays. haha. okay well at least the essays and assignments deadlines are over! finally i can revise properly for the exams!

other than that this week has been fine. i just need to get the groove going for revision. and catching up on sleep. and making the most of new responsibilities that suddenly i seem to have to undertake. i feel i'm happier and more cheerful nowadays. i hope that will last as long as God wills it. i pray that things will go find and turn out okay, because i really want everything to work out well for me. i pray i will have the strength, the drive, the will and the mental capactiy to go through it all.

okay, so now for project manchuria.

religion

okay i'm left with one more freaking essay for the whole of this semester, and finally after that i can sort out the mess that is my studies, and then start preparations for the exams. like finally. i haven't read any readings ever since school restarted after the mid-term break, and that was like more than a month ago. that is really horrible, and after monday after i finish this japanese empire essay only than i can sort out all the mess.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow football.)

it's been ages since i last caught a champions league match. i think the last one was when i caught the arsenal-barcelona match way back in may 2006 in camp. if by any chance any of you caught, well good for you. i've watched the highlights for all 4 matches, and i can tell u this - bendtner is an idiot. what kind of blocks your own player shot right in front of goal? fabregas' shot was already heading into the goal for sure, and suddenly bendtner just blocks it with his feet and instead of try to backheel it in he sort of fumbles and the chances goes begging. a complete oaf. what's so hard about just widening your legs and let the ball pass through? even if he was in an offside position, i would think he wasn't interfering with play. in any case arsenal gave themselves a hard task to accomplish, then again we've beaten liverpool 6-3 before. we beat milan 2-0 at the san siro like last month? and a few years ago we whacked inter milan 5-1 away. so yes we can still be optimisitic. although i agree with some people - i think wenger is jsut too cautious in the market! come on, buy diego or something!

anyway recently i've read abit about the furore against the fitna video produced by this dutch politician condemning islam as a religion that advocates violence. then yesterday i read a newsweek article, which summed up certain events that aimed at provoking anger at muslims. like the comments the pope made last year by quoting some emperor which was offensive to muslims. and then this. and then the article mentioned about some egyptian journalist who had his baptism publicly advertised. and iapparently the journalist grew up hating islam and his articles basically reflect his thoughts on islam as not being the religion that promotes peace. and remember the danish newspaper that published cartoons really making fun of the dearest prophet.

i think all this is rather sad. if islam really promotes violence, how can it then grow to a religion so widely accepted that 1 out of every 5 earthlings is a muslim? via forced compulsion? there's no such thing as compulsion in religion. i'm sure violence is not a factor in attracting people to embrace islam, or even any religion for that matter. i think people are just trying to distort it for some funny reason or another. the other day the muslim society had a quran display session at the library. apparently some christian (or catholic, i'm not sure) guy attacked fairus verbally claiming that he saw the fitna flim and really made his feelings clear about islam being a religion of violence. i think a lot of people lack tact, making baseless accusations. i think if we are all out just criticise other people's religions then forget about religious harmony and all that stuffs. for all of the craziness of my friends we won't like criticise other people's beliefs straight in their face.

like what's the problem with all this people?from the dutch politician to the christian guy that confronted fairus - seriously, what kind of religion preaches violence? if you ask me, i think all religions preach good and peace. i mean, that's like the basic principles of religions i feel. i'm no theologist, neither am i so well versed in my own religion, but 1 thing is for sure - i think all this open criticisms have got to stop altogether. baseless accusations, fuelled by quickfire ways just to get cheap publicity is just not going to win favours from anyone. it is not going to rid the earth of all the problems. it's a clear fact islam does not promote violence, and those who do are firstly abit perverted in their thoughts, and really, they just happen to be muslims in some cases. it's the same case when the americans failed to realise that the vietcong and the vietminh were really fighting for a nationalist cause. but all they knew was this was part of a global communist conspiracy. it's all the same. double standards everywhere, and failure to grasp local realities are always going to get people in a dirty mess.

okay that's all. i jsut felt like blogging about this tonight out of a sudden.

fish

finally the workload has somewhat been relieved after all those deadlines have been met. so i'm now left with two more essays to do, so it's really not too bad.

(skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don't follow football.)

well well, the commentator said it was the 'comeback of all comebacks this season'. well it could be. i watched the highlights for the bolton-arsenal match, and yes it really took quite abit of spirit to mount such a comeback. being 2-0 down and a man down (diaby was really naive in his tackle), to eventually score 3 goals and win the match really took some nerve. and of course a huge slice of luck with the last goal. and even chelsea had lady luck smiling on them. go and watch the highlights. middlesbrough could really have won the game, and the crossbar came to chelsea's rescue thrice! well as fate would have it arsenal still trail the leaders by 6 points. at least with such a win, it should probably give them a kick in the back and push them on to the trilogy against liverpool this coming week and the next. did you see ronaldo's goal against villa? pure cheekyness i say.

oh and newcastle can actually trash spurs 4-1 away. wow. that really is a morale-boosting result. it should do wonders. in other leagues a few minor surprises, like how barcelone eventually lost a match 3-2 when they were leading 2-0 initially. so now real leads the table again by 7 points. lucky them. and ac milan lost at home, and from the highlights i could really see that their defence was really all over the place. anyway milan is really an ageing team, so it would not really surprise me that they are really a shadow of their past self. and i just realised this - i have alot of female friends that follow football. haha. i know syamim supports arsenal like i do! then for liverpool, there's like nani(i think), zuhara and nazeera. oh farah nat supports the read devils (damn them!) and well, even chelsea has a supporter. haha and the odd one out has to be nadia, who supports of all teams, juventus. ah vel supports ac milan! that i remember.

on another note in the kitchen we have a soap dispenser above the sink that is spoilt. so my dad actually filled it with water and bought 5 fishes last weekend to make use of that spoilt dispenser. haha. so we had 5 anchovy-like fishes initially, that didn't live long. by the 3rd day the last 1 died, and he bought 2 more fishes, this time slightly bigger. and by saturday night both had already died. well so now theres a new fish, and i hope it's more of a fighter than the previous ones. it's quite sad really when even a small fish just dies and i have to scoop it out and just chuck it in the bin. i hope this one lasts for long. its gold in colour, and i would think it is really bored swimming around in such a small container, suspended in mid-air at that. haha.

and in case you didn't know i got a crew cut last thursday. haha i get everyone asking me why? why? haha. well, i think its really decent. just needs a little getting used to. i think it's quite fine so to those who can't stand it, wait another 2 months okay? haha there are those who says the haircut looks fine, and of course with the normal hair it is better. that goes without saying. but sometimes change is good. haha. if i could look as good as the black people who really look damn nice with a crew cut, i would really just maintain that sort of hairstyle. it's such a waste that i'm not. haha.

ah exams are round the corner, a month away but because of all the deadlines that i have to meet i haven't done any readings for a month really. i should do something about it really soon. this semester is really heavier than the last one. and i have this feeling next semester is going to be pretty dreary and draggy.

to sign off, i'm much happier nowadays! and i can't wait! haha.

marcos

no school for the past for days officially, but i was in school for 3 days though.

(don't read the next paragraph if you don't follow football.)

okay so now arsenal is 3rd. right. we haven't won in the league in 5 attempts, and that is certainly not championship form. i thought they could hold out for a 1-0 win at stamford bridge, but my heart sank when drogba managed to get the winner. it didn't help that mascherano was surprisingly sent off some some unknown reason for liverpool. so how now? from having a 5 point lead at 1 stage, now we are 3rd, freaking 6 points behind manchester united. even real madrid has a 4 point gap over barcelona, even though they are on a wretched run of form lately. speaking of which, yesterday i caught the real madrid-valencia match. well, real couldn't really take advantage of alot of chances. they could have won the game actually, but valencia took advantage of the lesser chances they had. quite end to end stuffs at times, so it was not quite a bad game. even juventus beat inter milan at the san siro. that is really something i guess, since i don't really rate juventus that much. haha. in any case, well, arsenal have trailed the league leaders before and then put on a run of consecutive wins and the went on to win the title. i think they just need more self-belief, more than anything else. oh well. i hope for the best.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow politics stuffs.)

i am reading up for my essay for 1 of my modules, and it involves the fall of suharto and ferdinand marcos. it's quite interesting really. for suharto, what really triggered it was the role that university students played in rioting and campaigning for suharto's resignation. actually it happens/have happened everywhere in post-colonial southeast asia like in malaysia, thailand, philippines etc. of course i don't think such student activism will ever happen in singapore. most probably due to ambivalence i think. in any case i find it interesting that it was the role of the students that actually gave the oppositional forces the momentum. for marcos, the more famous people power who protected the rebel armed forces that advocated marcos' resignation was the spark. then 1 by 1 various units of the armed forces eventually defected to the rebel camp, and in effect 90% of the armed forces was under fidel ramos' command by the time marcos fled the philippines. it's all quite interesting when i read it. it makes me think that politics in southeast asia is really unique and very interesting, and seems different from politics elsewhere. well i haven't started on my essay anyway, and it's due on friday. so i should work on that actually. haha.

on saturday evening i met my primary school friends for a get together. it was quite fun. i think only noriza and faizal couldn't make it. yup. in total there were 7 of us, and the photos are up on facebook. it's always nice to get together sometimes. as for me, i see my secondary school and junior college friends almost everyday in school. but to meet up with those buddies whom i've known like for almost 15 years - i think it's quite an amazing experience. i realise that some things really never change in some of us, like the way we talk or look or our attitudes or perceptions of each other. it is always nice reminiscing since i like to hark back on the past anyway. i think next time we meet is to break fast together. i shall look forward to that.

yesterday on my way to school there was this really weird guy around. he kept talking to himself, but it's not the monologue kind. it's as if he's reciting lines from some drama as if he's an actor trying to practise his lines. he spoke mandarin of the china national type of accent, so the tone of it is even more remarkable. i kept thinking either he's reciting excerpts from mao's little red book, or he's part of some chinese opera troupe. the way he kept saying those lines and phrases had a certain tone to it. in any case when the light turned green, he just ran across the raod in a funny sort of way, and then he just walked around in circles on the other side of the road, waiting for something like that. but the next thing i know he was also queueing up for 96, so what was he doing waiting around the side of the road outside of the interchange anyway? something really wrong with the guy really. anyway yesterday i just thought of something - how come weird people are always guys? i don't recall ever seeing women who are weird like this. i really wonder why.

so this really adds on to the lsit of weirdos i've seen recently. oh tomorrow is the lecture where me and fairus will just look at that weird that guy who's always mumbling to himself loudly in front of the lecture. another cycle of weirdos-watch begins again tomorrow then. haha.

confusion

just a quick one.

recently alot of thinking has been done, and i think i've achieved enlightenment.

finally on the way home just now it struck me out of nowhere. so i believe i have received the sign(s).

i believe it is so. if that is so, then i shall follow my heart and my instinct and let them lead the way.

thank you God for guiding me.

history essay

my brain is really drained from the exertion caused by the craziest essay i've done.

and there's still many more deadlines to meet, so i hope i can recover from this lethargy and from being mentally drained too.

(skip the next paragdraph if you don't follow football.)

nothing much to say actually. arsenal again came back from behind to draw, this time against middlesbrough. it's really becoming a very bad habit. well because of the taxing nature of the essay i haven't really been able to follow football over the weekend. my only worry is well, when are we going to start winning again? this is seriously the best time to put together a few wins and win the title at the end. oh well i hope things will pick up.

last sunday we went to megacarnival at taman warisan at bugis. it was okay, and we just amused ourselves by making a video. a surprise video too. but yea, i spent quite abit of time there. in any case, for all their limitations they did quite a decent job, but definitely for the next group of organisers, we all certainly would expect much more.

okay today i think i shall blog about very random things.

like today i went to the ntuc fairprice, and i'm really amazed at how much the prices of chocolates have risen. it's really risen by alot. $1 could get you a candybar chocolate a few years back, now it can't even buy 1/2 of milobar. it's really ridiculous. even kit kat is nearing $1 already. everything has risen significantly, from boost to hersheys and many others. i suppose it's really due to rising oil prices. the only thing not to have risen ever since i was still a young teen (i still am,deep inside) is toblerone. i'm surprised it hasn't risen, and naturally i purchased it just now. i suppose the swiss are so netural in world affairs that they don't even bother to let themselves get affected by the global rising oil prices.

yesterday on my way home in the train this guy sat beside me (i suppose i shall not mention his race) and just blasted the music from his handphone. how annoying can one get? i'm already so drained from 4 hours of non-stop staring at the computer monitor in school earlier, and this kinda people have to sit beside me? and he was actually grooving to the music. like trying out stupid hand movements and looking into his reflection in the window at the opposite side. this is the ultimate 'shiok sendiri' for goodness sake. i was thinking 'oh no the bugger's going to annoy me all the way till i reach my station!'. well, it turns out the handphone was his friend's, and i think he got annoyed by him because i think he feared his battery would run low if the guy kept blasting music continuously. anyway thank god he took back his handphone, because the other commuters were visibly pissed already. and the music was horrible for goodness sake.

today me and fairus kept laughing in lecture at this freaky and weirdo of a guy. he's really weird. he wears thick black socks and SAF sandals. wow. and he'll just mumble to himself loudly during the lectures (so loud that we could hear him all the way back at the last row in a big lecture theatre), and i seriously wonder what the lecturers think of him since he sits at the front. his mannerisms are really weird. i really wonder why some people are like that. is there an argument for him really being born like that? or is it the environment at home or in school that shapes him to be like that? i really wonder. in secondary school we had this guy in class, who was really weird. the name's terrence. ask any of my upper secondary school classmates, and they'll tell you all. he's really weird. he loves garfield so much he has a garfield pencil case and bag too i think. then, now and then he will just whip out his wallet and kiss garfield's photo that he keeps inside. they guy had green algae or mould or even toadstools growing on his nose. he was really very unhygienic. i'm serious. and he'll memorise like all the malay people's dad's name so that he could make fun of it if we bullied him. of course in a class like ours, naturally we would all bully him anyway. but well, apparently he's semi-retarded, according to our teacher. so i suppose that might explain his behaviour and character. the teacher did warn us about him. but well, we still bullied him anyway. haha. okay we were bad i know.

oh well, life would be mundane without such characters who don't fall into the lines of the common discourse.

on another note, i'm officially still confused!

okay that's all. presentations and interviews and essays coming up.

confused

it has been a crazy past week.

with all the tests and assignments and essays due, it's really madness.

and i'm not the buziest of all the peoples. there are like so many of the others out there who have had 1 hell of a week, and are going to have a hell of a week and hellish days for the weeks to come. i'm feeling strained too because of assignments that are piling up, which for most i don't really have any idea on how to start on them.

i'm feeling rather lethargic nowadays due to lack of regular sleep, and neither do i have any mood to do work anyway. then again i don't have the mood to do alot of things to either. the general slump is really worrying but i can't be bothered to arrest it. haha.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow football.)

okay so here's the thing - how can any team beat milan 2-0 at the san siro, but only manage to secure a 0-0 draw against wigan? it's mind-boggling but it happened. it makes me frustrated as a fan of arsenal, but football is like that. and i missed all the champions league matches despite wanting to watch them in the first place. i just couldn't imagine only turning in at 6am after watching all the matches, and that would mean being zombie-ish in the school the following morning. so basically my only diet of football would be select la liga and serie a matches, largely thanks to the antenna's ability to tap into indonesian channel networks. but la liga isn't that boring too actually. valencia actually plays good football, and it's the kind that's quite pleasing to watch. ever banega is really good in real life. too bad they took a 2-0 lead, only to be pegged back to 2-2 by halftime. anyway inter is quite on a roll in serie a, but seriously their defence is quite weak i think. a team like reggina could actually test the inter defence with shots that with abit more luck, could have just turned into goals. it's no wonder inter couldn't hold up against liverpool. i think inter will still be knocked out anyway, since i think pool have the capacity to beat inter even at the san siro.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow politics, especially malaysian politics.)

well well, so bn got trounced at the polls. i can't help thinking that abdullah called for the polls too early. but i think it's because he wants to console by trying to gain legitimacy for his rule in the aftermath of problems plauging the government. and if he held the elections any later, anwar would have qualified to take part in the elections too anyway. but then again i still feel he called for elections too early. and bn paid the price for it. they lost 4 states (that's really alot mind you) to the opposition. so now it would really be interesting to see how the whole thing pans out. the thing about malaysia is, its among the more democratic countries in southeast asia. democratic in the sense that at least results in the polls are not overturned by a declaration of martial law or complete disregard to the election results (think philippines and burma/myanmar). what makes it more interesting is that this election results is part of 1 of the modules that i'm taking - government and politics of southeast asia. as in the results will affect the syllabus of the module with regards to malaysian politics. but it is interesting to see if bn, or more specifically umno, can regenerate or reinvent itself and then regain back lost ground in the next elections.

anyway i think enough of the melancholic series. haha. i can say now i'm not that sad anymore. but it's changed to confusion. okay now i'm really really confused about a few things. a lot of matters have suddenly surfaced, and old facts and knowledge have suddenly been give new twists to them. this whole confusion thing is really driving my brain nuts. sadness is the disease of the heart, confusion seems to be the disease of the mind. i get weighed down by all the considerations and decisions i have to make with myself. i need to do alot of soul-searching, and self-reflection. i need a guiding light, i need a moment of truth, and i need the peace of mind.

but most importantly - i need a sign. God help me.

melancholy

http://megacarnival08.wordpress.com/ - visit this webbie people, and show your support!

it has been raining yesterday and today, and it makes me feel even more lethargic than i already am.

today the news writes about the israeli attacks into gaza. apparently it killed alot of civilians, children included. the other day i watched a documentary in class about the atrocities that the israeli army has done to palestinians in the past. i think it's sad. i don't know if i can comment much, but as a soldier one cannot kill civilians. the thing is, this isn't even war. yes, everyone has a right to protect their security within their own territories, but for me this is too much already. but the world can't do nuts about it, and everyone just goes about issuing statements of restrain and what not. something that i can even do on my simple blog. well i won't say much about this anyway, but like many world leaders all the world i shal just 'condemn' these 'acts of violence' and urge 'restraint' from both parties and urge the renewal of 'peace talks'.

and let's not even start on mas selamat kastari. i suppose he appears everywhere on buses, train stations, even in RCs and CCs in the form of posters, but yeah, he still eludes the authorities.

(skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don't follow football.)

well, arsenal gave me a near heart attack by only equalising against villa in the dying seconds. it's quite worrying to see arsenal's attacking options being very limited in the absence of eduardo and van persie. i can't remember the last time adebayor has scored for arsenal, and that slump is worrying. well at least the did really put in effort in coming forward but villa really made it hard. if playing badly and still being able to gain a point is the hallmark of a champion, then i hope this yer would be it! seriously, at least now it's already march, and arsenal is leading the pack.

oh and if you all did read on what i wrote on sissoko last week - well guess what, over the weekend he did yet another overhead kick. but this time at least it lead to juventus' opening goal. it was frey's fault as he only managed to weakly punch the ball out to sissoko, and he acrobatically executed an overhead goal into the net. well done for him, but eventually juventus still lost 3-2 at home to fiorentina. in any case, i watched abit of that match and sissoko's passing is still as wayward as ever. haha. other than that this weekend's football diet hasn't served up as much controversy as last week did i guess. so next up is the midweek champions league ties, and i should like to want to watch them games, since i missed them 2 weeks ago.

on saturday evening we had a silat performance all the way in hougang and it turned out okay. no major injuries, except for me bumping into zul when i was being thrown on the mat. i caused redness around his left eye, and a small graze below his left eye. other than that the performance was okay. even thought there were mats but the whole matted was quite small. there was not much room for manouvre so we had to improvise with things a little bit.

yesterday night i also caught a silat performance with fadhli at ucc. but this time round it was a combined effort with nus ilsa tari. overall the event was okay. the dance was quite good, althought the silat performances was a tad disappointing. saw a few perguruans on display but there wasn't much excitement in any case. both me and fadhli agreed that well, at least we didn't have to pay to enter and watch. haha.

(the next few paragraphs will form part of the melancholic series that i've somewhat started from the previous entry. so err actually it's best if you avoid this part. and don't say i didn't warn you.)

so how do i start this.

let's just say life has been becoming sadder than it already is. if i want to be frank, yesterday was probably among the saddest days in my entire life. yesterday i woke up feeling horrible, and i made my way to school to study. i had to force myself to get out of home so that sunday wouldn't be wasted at home. overall yesterday, studies-wise it was a very productive day. i managed to complete reading a political science textbook. so all is okay.

but yeah, i cannot hide the fact that deep inside i'm somewhat devastated. crushed, like the collapsed crane incident at nus the other day. for almost the whole of yesterday, whenever i'm alone, i just felt like breaking down there and then. when i studied, sometimes i felt distracted by thoughts and all. i will just stare blankly into space and think.

yesterday i received good news too. well done my friend. at least i can say congratulations to you, and may things turn out how you hope it would. if i might add, this was what i was hoping that would happen for you. although it is not exactly how i fathomed it would turn out, well at least you are happy with it.

and i hoped that it would happen to me too. it would seem almost perfect. i have my own dreams and visions. alas, i don't think they will ever be realised. your good news made me happy for you, yet even sadder for myself. when i look at things from even bigger perspective, it magnifies the devastation even further. but do not put blame on yourself. it does not take away the fact how elated i am for what has happened to you, so i am grateful. do not worry about me.

the book i was reading yesterday was on negotiations and diplomacy. if only feelings could be negotiated. if only we could bargain for feelings. but people are not states. and neither does feelings involve professionalism and formality.

i cannot hide my extreme disappointment because of my sense of attachment and fondness. when put in perspective, it is different from how it was in the past and how it is now. am i the victim of choice or circumstances? i wonder. it is sad that like i said the last time round - i am not most eligible, neither am i the scum of the earth. then what is it? as oxymoronic as it sounds, there is always constant change. people change, and so do their values, ethics, character, personality, thoughts, ideas, beliefs and many more. do i want to? if i am given chance i will see to it and see if it is okay.

in any case, i just have one thing to say - i'll see where the heart takes me. if it turns numb or is open or whatever, i will just go. i know God's miracles works in the strangest ways, and i believe in Him. all i need is a sign. a guiding light. this slumber will not last, so do not fear or worry for me. the only person that one can ever ask for help from is himself. hope is everywhere, it is just that i haven't had the belief to hope yet. it will take time.

still at the crossroads though, don't know whether to go straight, turn left, turn right, or make a u-turn.

1 week break

it has been a very eventful past few days, and i forsee a lengthy entry ahead.

and visit this website please people! http://megacarnival08.wordpress.com/

(those who don't tune in to football, two things - firstly, skip the next 4 paragraphs for obvious reasons, and secondly, for the love of God, do tune in! you're really missing out alot!)

been wanting to blog about the football matches on the past weekend. since it has really been a very interesting one for me. for starters, i think everyone would have read about eduardo's horrific injury. i saw the video on it and the tackle was quite horrible. eduardo suffered a fractured leg and a dislocated ankle, and most probably we won't see him in action till next year. which is real sad, because firstly he's from arsenal (like damn it!), and secondly, he's really a skillful player. martin taylor should be banned further! it was a tackle was really uncalled for.

if anyone tunes in to la liga or the serie a, what i'm going to talk about next might interest you. especially those who caught the real madrid-getafe match and the reggina-juventus match. for the first match, real lost 1-0 to controversial circumstances. real was having an off day and when they finally scored the opener, around 6-7 real players celebrated at the opposing corner flag. but the goal was ruled offside, and getafe quickly took the freekick. they counter-attacked and it was 4 against 2, and eventually getafe scored from that counter-attack. real could never muster a goal from the match, and lost in front of their home fans. i find it all so funny. for the 2nd match, juventus managed to grab the equaliser after going down 1-0. then reggina attacked, and a cross was sent in from the right. sissoko (yes he's at juventus now) attempted to clear the ball. but the manner in which he did it was really outrageous. he attempted and improvised overhead or bicycle kick to clear the ball, and at such a height, he was obviously going to miss it (which he did, anyway). in any case he caught the back of a reggina player and the referee blew for a penalty. a little more and the swipe of sissoko's boot would really have caught the player's head or face. juventus lost 2-1 because of sissoko's folly.

well, what can i say? it sissoko. if anyone ever saw him play you'll know how horrible he is. what kind of player would attempt an overhead/bicycle kick in your own penalty area to deal with a cross? it's not like hes short or anything, hes 1.93m tall for goodness sake. and for attempting such a clearance he could have just injured the opponent in the face or something, which is quite serious. but then again sissoko doesn't play with his brains. i seriously wonder, that how come for someone his age (he's only 23) and for the player that he is, he has already played for 3 big clubs - valencia, liverpool, and now juventus. only God knows how.

then again the past weekend i watched a few matches in la liga and serie a. and alot of players area really really good. you wonder how they have the temperament to pull of skills and tricks in high-tempo and high-intensity matches. joaquin of valencia is really good, and so is silva. zigic is just a freak at such height ( he's 2.02M tall) but he seems lousy. amauri of palermo is very good also, and no wonder clubs want him. there is much hype about milan's oddo's high quality crossing abilities, and from what i saw it isn't just hype. it seems true. and well, i don't think i have to say much about players like eto'o, messi, xavi. i used to admire xavi alot, because he seems to be able to do everything very well - dribble, pass, tackle, head, shoot, score. the epitome of the central midfielder is really xavi.

okay enough about soccer. last saturday's bbq at east coast was a blast. haha when it's out with people from bp, expect non-stop laughter and nonsense. and last saturday was no different. it was nice to see alot of people i hardly see around, and to spend a saturday night with old friends is always nice. sunday was spent at golden mile complex (don't ask me why okay haha).

tuesday was spent karaoke-ing with friends. haha. i'm not really into karaoke-ing, but i've done it a few times before. having said that, everyone knows for a fact i cannot sing. but in any case it was a great session with hanan, haekal, fahmi, fadhli, zuraimi and iza. but the sad thing is partyworld will close down in 2 days' time. it's so sad. and k-box is so expensive. looks like we can't really karaoke in clementi anymore then. this week is the 1 week break from school, but i haven't really been able to hit the books yet. the things is the readings are such a chore. even things like history (supposed to be among my favourite subjects), i dread reading. especially of asian history, and even more when it comes to early history. you know, those 2000BC kinda history which involves archeological digs and all to find pieces of pottery and fossils. that kind of history is so primitive and very backward, and i don't like it. i much prefer modern history.

okay i want to talk deep also. i just feel like doing so.

i want to talk of the matters of the heart. my heart. firstly the area around my heart hurts, because yesterday i accidentally got kicked there in training. but that's physical. to talk of the figurative heart, it is a tricky topic. me and na'im have talked abit recently, and i realise that with regards to matters of the heart, our positions don't differ much. we are facing problems and issues. i am facing issues head on, and i have no idea what to do.

i think it is sad. i am not the most eligible person around, but neither am i the scum of the earth. same goes for na'im. i wish things were never this way. i wonder what else do i have to do. i wonder why things turn out this way. and i wonder why it doesn't turn out this way for other people. i wonder why it cannot turn out like other people. things get complicated as one grows older, and this goes the same for the personal matters of the heart.

the interesting issue when it comes to this stage of life is this - do we bear in mind issues of marriage too when we like someone? is that an important criteria in liking someone? do we have to imagine the rest of our lives together, and feel whether there is a future for both of us? do we picture building a home and future, with kids running around? it is a very interesting thought. and a passing thought too.

in any case, i'll be frank and say i'm really at the crossroads now, still choosing which way to go - to go straight, turn left or right, or make a u-turn. i also don't know what is there to hope for, and whether do i need to hope for anything anymore. i wonder what is the next step that na'im will take, and everyone also wonders what i'm going to do next. i can tell you i'm as clueless as you all are. the good thing about life is it isn't all about personal stuffs only.

okay that's all for today. i think that's enough melancholy for today.

lethargic

i have just passed the most tiring week so far in school. ever.

what a relief. school has been really weighing me down, mainly because of the history essay that i had to complete. basically it's a take home mid-term test essay, 1500 words complete full with citations and references. the questions were released on tuesday, and were expected to be handed in before 5pm on friday. it was crazy.

i only started to read sme of the readings only on tuesday. and by wednesday i still hadn't started, despite giving training a miss. i only started on the essay properly at 3pm on thursday, with just under 26 hours to go. the last time i did such a thing was with na'im. with just 36 hours to go, we just went for the jugular. and for a paper that was started upon with only 36 hours to go (3000 words mind you!), the grade that we got was not too bad at all. well i managed to complete it anyway by 2am+ on friday morning. considering i really didn't know how to tackle the question at the beginning, i think it's still not too bad. for more criticisms about the troubles of doing this essay, do visit fairus' and gad's blog. haha. and the thing is, there is going to be another term essay for this module of the same length. it means we will have to do 2 essays in the end. it doesn't help every module has a term essay to do.

and the hardest among them, is the exposure history modules. of all the modules! the questions are really hard, even harder than this paper that i just completed. it's crazy. and considering next week is the term break, and i also haeve quite abit of non-studies activities excitingly lined up already, it's really going to weigh me down.

so that's why i've been lethargic this past week. not enough sleep+history exposure module test on tues+history term paper due on friday+talk on judgement day on tuesday+classes+readings+hokkien class on thursday and friday. and this is without any silat trainings or gym sessions. haha. finally a break from all this! but after school starts again, back to the hectic schedules!

oh and about the hokkien class. crazy me signed up for the hokkien conversational class. so did izarina, fahmi, fadhli and nadia. it was fun. the only hokkien that i know is probably a range of vulgarities, and some funny terms that jj and fab always like to use and i learn from hearing them speak. haha. but i think i know abit more from now. it's quite interesting to note how vulgar hokkien sounds, even if what is being said isn't. it is also interesting to note how beautiful arabic also sounds, yet sometimes when you hear the translation it isn't something pleasant. haha.

in any case we were quite enthusiastic in learning i guess. haha. even if we are never going to really converse in hokkien daily, it's quite interesting to learn abit. maybe i can ask jj and fab to teach me even more. i would like to go for more hokkien classes! haha. but the teacher was kind. in any case, he can speak english mandarin hokkien cantonese teochew hainanese japanese and basic malay. that's really quite impressive. one fine day i should pick up a proper 3rd language. it's a shame i could never really master arabic. in any case i won't take a 3rd language in school anyway. okay so now i can count from 1 to 99 in hokkien i guess. haha. can't remember what 100 in hokkien is though. well at least among the 5 of us, we can spew all sorts of nonsense to each other if we meet up next time. haha.

so later on i have a bp bbq at east coast park, which i'm going with fairus and hanan. tomorrow is a trip down to golden mile centre with some of the rest, probably i'm playing the role of a tour guide and middleman. haha. then tuesday is the karaoke session, then wednesday/thursday is the cycling session at east coast park. thn saturday there is the silat performance at hougang. i wonder how come i have so many things on, considering the lack of social life i enjoy. haha. in any case it is always a much-needed welcome break from studies.

okay la that's about it now. wa ai ki jiak peng liao. buay tahan leh.

slack

and overdue entry, but not as overdue as na'im's. haha.

last tuesday i went for my run again, and this time round i made it further - to the huge playground at west coast park, where the mccafe is situated at. i think in total i ran around 3+ kilometres? maybe closer to 4km. but i didn't feel as tired as i was the previous week. maybe my pace was more relaxed, and in any case running in a park is much more relaxing than running along the roads and haveing to brave the fumes for those huge ass container trucks that always zoom by to the port. it was quite a nice feeling to reach the playground, at the time when the sun was about to set. after heading back to school i popped by for the muslim youth intelligentsia series. well, alot of questions were posed but hardly any answers were given. in any case it was alot of poeple just trying to impress each other with what they know (me included) and no more than that. well in any case i had no interest in the topic whatsoever. the next one, where the theme will be the synonimity between being malay and muslim, sounds interesting. next week's talk on the science of the end of the world sounds rather interesting. i think i'll have to skip my runs then for this tuesday.

after training on wednesday me and na'im had the sepupu (cousin) challenge. i challenged him on how fast we could et our roti prata. i had 2 eggs and 2 plain, he had 1 egg and 1 plain. and by the time i was done with mine he had only eaten his egg prata. haha. anyway when it comes to something i like to eat i suppose i will eat it fast. haha no such thing as enjoying the food slowly for me. unless you throw me something that i loathe (spaghetti, for instance) then i will probably take my time over it.

yesterday we pulled off the 100 people mob gag on amirah and it was fun! but damn it i was so caught up with it i didn't capture the thing on video, even thought i was holding the digicam. damn it! i feel so guilty, because only i saw the whole thing happening from the back! it was nice, but i wished everyone could have seen it for themselves. what happened was we were walking up the slop after training, and everyone was walking around amirah. then from the back i shouted bomb! and everyone else reacted by squatting down and tucking in their heads! haha. it was a pre-rehearsed move already, and amirah reacted likewise! it was funny because she just followed what we all did. it's just wasted that i couldn't get it on the camera damn it! anyway we got our inspiration from this youtube video, in case you haven't watched it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj0Ma2CsHME.

yesterday i also went to my paternal grandparent's place. a mini-celebration of my cousin's birthday. in any case nowadays i like to listen to what my grandpa, my uncles and my dad talk about. it's very interesting to hear them talk about alot of things. yesterday was about fruits, johor, work accidents, certain history sites of singapore etc etc. very interesting stuff. and i've been asking around to find out how old their grandparents are as compared to mine. because the thing is my grandpa is 79 this year, and my grandma isn't that far behind. even the maternal step-grandma is well into her 70s too, and if my maternal grandpa was still alive today, he would be 79 too. well yes, my family is abit aged. usually by the age 80, alot of malay people would have great-grandchildren already but it won't happen anytime soon in my family just yet.

in any case it was interesting to hear the conversations. and my grandfather is certainly an adventurous kind. he likes to go around anywhere alone, and for his age he's still quite active! haha. he even knows the fish soup at the banquet in geylang is nicer than the one at vivocity. he's brave enough to take the public buses alone in and around the jb area (and i have been criticised for going to jb alone to shop!). he knows the processes of how a body is exhumed in singapore. and because he grew up in singapore in the 1930s, so he knows what singapore was like before world war II. like how areas like bishan, serangoon (the very plot of land on which my grandparents' flat is) were cemetaries. how areas like cambridge road (near farrer park) were full of fruit plantations and nurseries. and kolam ayer was a pig farm area! the area around cedar girls' school today was where the hindus used to cremate dead bodies in the open, and the smell of the kerosense would just waft around the whole area. and he used to work as a grass-cutter once! haha. seriously i've no idea what he worked as in his youth. as far as i know by the time i was born i think he had retired already by then.

he still does gardening as and when he can in johor i think. in any case he's one of those bigwigs among the boyanese pondok community i think. haha. because boyanese people used to live in pondoks around the farrer park area in the interwar years especially, so they were a really closely-knit community. my dad knows people from the pondoks too i guess, but as for me - well, let's just say this boyanese knows not a single boyanese word, much less know who's who in the community. in any case my grandfather sounds like someone great! haha. although one thing in common that me my dad and my grandpa has is that we like to go around places alone. haha. it seems my grandpa likes to 'merayap' around on his own. my dad does this too on a saturday, when he'll just take buses and get lost somewhere in and around singapore to sightsee. i do that myself when i go to places alone, to find out how this place looks like and what not. and the other thing in common is the temper. my grandpa and my dad has a horrible temper. so do i. haha. so yes, do not rub the wrong side of me. this is a warning. haha.

even my late maternal grandpa - i think he's something like a bigwig among his community. they have some nickname for him as a form of respect of that sort. all i know in his youth he was an avid biker - owning up to 6 bikes at a time! haha. and he played badminton regularly too. but he was the soft-spoken type, unlike my paternal grandpa. although i was also not sure what he worked as in his youth. oh yes i've mentioned this all before about my grandfathers on my blog. now i remember. i'm making it sound as if my grandpas were/are really great people in their own right. well, at least in my minds they are! haha.

well it's just that i find it amazing to find out how my grandpas were in their youth, and how they can still stay active even when they are in their twilight years. my only wish is that when i grow old like in my 60s and 70s, i still can fend for myself and still be able to think with a rational mind. when i hear of stories of people just not taking care of their parents in their twilight years, it makes me sad. i pray that i will not be among those who do so, and i don't want to be treated like that either. people who never fend for their parents in their twilight years incur the wrath of God, and that isn't nice at all. in any case, i always wish even in my 60s or 70s i can still go around singapore on my own, still be able to play badminton with my friends and still go out and do alot of stuffs. or even have the sane mind to read.

that was a very long and random entry. ok sorry people.

depressed

warning: i think the entry will be quite long.



the week has been rather interesting. the other day on tuesday, i went for a run and when i reached back i was really gasping for air. that is how unfit i am. and i'm quite sure the maximum distance that i ran was around 2km plus. but i think that helped me the next day in training, since i felt fine after going through the paces in training. i think running does help, although if i still tire out too soon after a short run i have no idea how i am ever going to improve on my fitness.


on thursday the night cycling central committee went to sembawang park for an outing. well, the beach was really awash with a lot of non-chinese, but i didn't expect them to be that many. if sembawang park was as packed as that, i wondered how east coast would be like then. in any case we played a lot of games, dared each other to do nonsensical stuffs and of course, camwhored. the photos are on facebook so do check them out. after the outing we went to causeway point to have dinner at banquet - alas, it wasn't open so we walked to al-ameen at woodgrove and ordered food to take away, and ended up eating dinner at a playground somewhere in the middle of the hdb flats of woodlands. haha. but yes, the whole thing was fun. although people really stared at us since all of use were wearing the committee shirts.

well my watch strap broke when i was playing captain's ball, so now i'm left with 1 watch out of 3. i lost my actual watch around 3 weeks ago, and now the reserve watch is broken. the watch that i'm left with is too nice to be worn to school. haha. so i need to find a new watch! but there isn't any cheap ones out there anymore. well at least for the type of watch i'm looking for. it's quite annoying. yes, you might say a watch is now redundant nowadays since handphones and even mp3 players keep track of time. well, i'm too used to just looking at my wrist for the time and this might sound wrong but i feel naked without wearing a watch.

just now i had training and i did okay i think. till sparring time came, i fared rather badly. i was against jason, and it was his first time sparring. well i kinda lost to him, since i didn't put up much of a fight. i don't know why. firstly i think i didn't really want to exert myself because the injury on my right foot keeps coming back. i seriously have no idea how long it will take to heal completely, since it's been more than 1 and a half months already since i first got injured. it really is annoying when it sometimes hampers me in training. add to that now a sudden back strain as i'm typing, and my left inner thigh is hurting like mad because there's a pull there. in any case i haven't really gotten my techniques in training right yet. i'm really struggling and way behind others. i'm quite slow in picking up alot of things. unfortunately, this is also amonng them. well guess all i know is that i try to do what i can within my limits.

alot of things in life i've never really been able to do properly even though i do spend quite abit of time on it. like in my secondary school days. i was in the military band, i actually became leader of my section. sounds impressive. but i can't even blow the trumpet properly. i could never reach the high C note, and i could never tongue my notes properly. and that considering i spent around 3 years with my trusted trumpet. i've been playing badminton since secondary one but my skills have never improved. football? that goes without saying. my style of play has also never changed over the years. i don't know, i feel that i'm not really good with things that require a certain amount of skills. i always wonder how people can be good at let's say playing the guitar, at football, bowling, singing all at 1 time. seriously if you ask me to name something that i'm good at with my hands or something that requires a certain level of skill, i can't really name you anything. all i can tell you is i know probably almost all the capital cities of the world, and maybe add in their currencies as well, and how their flag looks like, and where they are on the world map. well that is quite a useless piece of skill, if you ask me. unless i have to appear on whose line is it anyway often, then that's a different story altogether.

the general mood is now of sadness i guess. i don't know, i feel more down than up nowadays. is just some general melancholy that has hit me. maybe it's gotta do with the workload that is going to pile up, with all the deadlines that i have to meet. and mostly my personal life, which is just about as messy as pakistani politics right now. oh well. i'm stuck and i don't know where to head to.

i have no idea what to do now, since i'm at a loss. i need some timely divine intervention to drag me out of this mess!

crazy

i'm officially going crazy.

for the past 7 nights, 4 of those nights i have dreamt of my night cycling central committee.

and this is when the event has already long passed.

initially out of the 1st 4 nights, 3 of them were dreams about the cen comm. when i thought they have stopped then yesterday i dreamt about some of them again. doing recce at that! with a huge ass map that didn't even resemble ANY parts of singapore.

if it's not about recce, than its about the actual event itself, or even meetings.

haha is this the hangover effects, like nuclear fallout kind of effects? post-event mental trauma of that kind. it's not like i've been thinking hard about it or anything of that sort. i hope this passes over then. haha i don't want to keep dreaming of recces and meetings and bicycles and routes and what not.

in any case i got injured again during the last training. blocked a kick while sparring and in the process my right foot (again!) got whacked. it was funny actually because hanan got injured against the same opponent, and i actually came in to replace him. in any case, he got injured at the right foot too. when i walked out of the area i just looked at hanan and we just both laughed. it's just funny we got the injury against the same person, me after him, and at the same spot. haha. reminds me of that minor accident that i had with him during night cycling. i was riding fast back to fetch the next wave of cyclists and i wanted to make a right turn ahead. but suddenly at the path junction a tyre stuck out and i couldn't avoid it in time. i didn't see the cyclist coming becausemy view of the path was blocked by a hedge of some sort. in any case my bicycle just crashed into the tyre and i flew. i landed on my back and picked myself up, only to see that i had crashed into hanan, of all people. we just laughed because it was all so funny. luckily i didn't suffer any injuries, but his front tyre got punctured.

and na'im's brother got married yesterday. and i went down and so did my friends, who played the kompang. and there were other friends too, since the bride is a teacher, so apparently some of my friends were ex-students of hers. i just went around to take photos and video shots of the couple and also of my friends. the rain threatened to spoil the day but luckily it didn't rain heavily and for long. marriage is such a huge and messy affair, so i don't want to get married so soon! haha. i think i'll get that car and work my ass off first, then i'll talk about it.

well for now i should just happily stick to my readings of suharto and general ne win and of negotiations and the spanish conquest of mexico and what not. and not think of night cycling stuffs anymore. errgh.

tennis

this is the 1st time in years that i've blogged a 2nd time on the same day.

in any case, now its recurring foot injury+groin strain+mild bout of diarrhoea+fever+lower back strain=an unproductive sunday.

in any case today is the first time since 2004 that i watched a live tennis match. the last time i watched a live tennis game was when sharapova won wimbledon all the way back in 2004 as a giggly 17-year old. i still remember that when she was interviewed immediately after that match, it was obvious on the court she seemed older than she was - but off it, she seems like any other 17 year old girl. she was so excited and jumpy as she won her 1st ever grand slam title, and that signalled the rise of a starlet. today's match also announced the arrival of novak djokovic and jo-wilfried tsonga to the world stage. it is interesting how tsonga's shots can just take the speed of the ball away, but djokovic made lesser unforced errors as compared to tsonga. but tsonga's style of play is really interesting. and djokovic still battled through his injury to win. in any case it was refreshing to see new faces in grand slam finals, other than always having to see roger federer always in the finals. anyway i think the shirt that djokovic wore is damn nice. haha. well, both players are sponsored by adidas anyway.

and today we witnessed the passing of the late suharto. i think my readings in 1 of the modules i am taking this semester (government and politics of southeast asia)uld really touch alot on suharto's role in indonesia's growth and development. i think the module is extremely interesting, since i've always really wanted to know the development of this region politically since WWII. oh well, i think this would then put more spotlight on suharto's 32-year reign indonesia.

okay that's all that i wanted top blog about. hopefully tomorrow i'll wake up feeling better.

unwell

the past week has been an interesting week.

with the after action review/post mortem of the night cycling event somewhat done, i suppose i can close that chapter already. it's been great getting involved in the event, and i hope everyone in the committee had fun working with one another. i did, and yes i believe there won't be such a committee as crazy as this. i think it proves that one doesn't have to be ultra-serious in nature to get things done. haha.

on another note i'm gaining back even more injuries. my foot injury has not healed yet, and add to that i have a groin strain on the right side. that's just great. i probably understand now why athletes or sportsman always incur alot of niggling injuries that take forever to heal. and even so, some kind of past injuries might come back to haunt them. sometimes i have trouble walking because of this groin strain, but i think it should clear up soon. it's quite annoying when i can't try harder because of restrictions due to my injuries. in any case, my fitness is really horrible, so i should seriously start running on my own.

yesterday evening my jc classmates had a barbecue to celebrate thomas' and gq's brithday at gq's place. even though i live like a few bus stops from there, i was the 2nd last to arrive. haha. in any case when i arrived, which was around 815pm, there were struggling to get the fire started. it was only at around 940pm then did the charcoal start to burn. i think the charcoal was really of poor quality. since much of the charcoal could not really catch fire, the fire actually burned out in just under 2 hours. although we did manage to barbecue some food actually.

but it was nicer meeting back some who i haven't seen in ages. it's always very nice to see how everyone else has grown up and change, but some things just never change. like the way how some people laugh (read: fang). 5 years ago seems the way it is 5 years on. it's scary to imagine what it will be 5 years later, when most of us will be 27. i always wonder why kids nowadays want to act like they are so grown up. and then when they actually do grow older, they wish they didn't have to. life when i was younger was so much more carefree and we all had lesser worries and things to think about. and now, we are faced with things that are more 'real'. issues of money, marriage, parents love, studies etc will always dominate how we think and how we want our lives to progress towards. i'm too scared to even think of the future, and that's why i like to hark back on the past. at least it has already happened.

in any case recently i've had various interesting conversations with quite a number of people with regards to love matters. i think ever since i've started school, i've heard more stories about people's love lives and their personal lives than i have ever done so in my whole life. it is interesting to note that almost everyone has their story to tell. in any case, there is no one size fits all solution for all love matters, since they emerge out of various factors and reasons, and they happen in different circumstances and surroundings. i am not that great an advisor, but i hope i can be a good listening ear. the most interesting thing is how we can always try and seek solutions for other people, but yet we can't even find proper solutions to our own problems.

in any case i woke up today feeling queasy. i think it's because during the barbecue yesterday i kept drinking 7up and root beer and some mirinda drinks 1 after another, so my stomach has an adverse reaction to it. in any case i think it's a mild bout of diarrhoea so i feel a little under the weather now. i think i shall just go down and lie on my bed and attempt to read my readings. haha. hopefully that chases away the diarrhoea thing.

recurring foot injury+groin strain+mild bout of diarrhoea=a sleepy and draggy sunday that just punishes the life out of me.

night cycling is over

okay so the night cycling event is over! haha.

well as expected the event started late. i knew it would just start late haha. but at least it ended on time. well to tell you all the truth if you ask me to review the event, i'll tell you frankly i feel like that whole night was just a dream. i feel very numb about it. it's like the whole thing passed through, like it never happened. haha. on the whole i think the event was carried out decently.

i mean, alot of people were quite perturbed already about the not-so-safe nature of the route. well some made their feelings clear, but i felt at the end of the day things turned out okay. well of course, the power of hindsight tells me we could have done better. but i think considering what had happened, i think we did what we could. i felt i had the right people in my team in the right places, and we all kinda helped each other out.

but i hope everyone had a great time during the event. i had fun though organising the event. at least firstly, no thanks to me actually handpicking most of the members of my committee. haha. reeks of corruption, nepotism and cronyism doesn't it? haha but it's important! at least the meeting doesn't have to be mostly conducted in a highly tense level i think. although of course we have had our fair share of friction, but i think overall it was excellent working with them. i am only the first among equals, and not a cut above the rest. so thank you to my committee members! and very sorry if i did rub you all on the wrong side. figuratively, of course.

oh and thanks to everyone else who contributed to the event in any ways. i truly appreciate all the effort! whether as outriders, drivers, medics, facilitators, photographers, marshallers and even participants, many thanks to all of you. without all your help the event could not have been carried out. so yes, i appreciate all of your help and assistance.

so now, it's back to work! haha. tried reading my history book just now, but really, i have never been a fan of chinese history, with their 1001 dynasties and what not. but the government and politics of southeast asia module that i'm taking seems interesting. the readings seem interesting too! haha. that's a first. so now full focus on studies! that's it, no more being part of any organising committees for me i feel. firstly i think that's enough for me, secondly i don't think i can ever work in a specialised job like doing logistics or marketing. i'll die doing such specific work. at least as a project director, i can delegate stuffs and probably do what i think i can do within my means. and anyway i don't want to be a project director anymore in any case so yes, im swearing off all organising committees then! haha.

so now i somewhat regain back my normal life as an undergraduate. trying to balance studies and my cca, and making new friends too along the way. and dealing with stuffs that i chucked aside temporarily.

like feelings. i suppose i have to face them again. honestly, i've been feeling numb ever since my event ended. so i don't know how or what to feel about things. i have no idea why i'm in such a state. like everything is so draggy and i'm just slowly getting to grip things. i think i shall slow drag myself out of this slumber eventually. but it's painfully slow though.

dear you,
i just can't seem to let go. and i don't know if i want to either.

will2wheel

okay the event is nearing, in fact only 2 days' away.

so there's even more little little things that we all have to concern ourselves with. and i've to either get people or go around singapore myself to collecrt everything that we need for the event. it is ultra-troublesome, but well, it's only for a few more days! haha.

well anyways thank you to those who actually tagged with regards to my previous post. oh well, it's not i have problems (i hope!) with my members, it's just that not everyone sees things in the same perspective of things. so there's bound to be misunderstanding or disagreement on matters etc, so if this is not managed then it would be hard. in any case, i've learnt that in any circmustances it is crucial to keep a cool head and still be able to think rationally and sensibly, if i can help it. no point in losing your anger unless that would really help solve any problems, that maybe i should consider that. haha. in any case i'm not stressed, not too worry, just that i do got weary and worrisome. but i hope it all goes well.

in any case my foot hasn't healed. i wonder how long it would take to self-heal. that's what the doctor said. no medication could hasten the healing process, and there was no need for any x-ray. but it's been more than 3 weeks and i still can't use it to kick or anything. but i guess i wont rush it, in case i injure it again.

and the other day i dropped by johor bahru for a while to shop. went there alone to shop, and for that i've been labelled crazy by some people. haha. why not? what's so crazy about shopping alone in jb? i mean it's not like i'm some foreigner who flashes his wads of cash around. in any case i blew away 126RM on 1 pair of shoes and 2 shirts. im happy, 'cause i really think my 2 shirts are very very nice. and so are my white sneakers. i had to getaway from singapore for a few hours to escape whatever workload i had back home, so yes, i admit abit of retail therapy does work for me sometimes. yes, i do exude a tinge of femininity sometimes. but no, it doesn't mean i'm turning gay or metrosexual or something like that. it's the same as telling me a frenchman would turn to an englishman just because he's learning how to speak english. that's a load of nonsense.

okay i should really go work on that powerpoint slides. can't believe the other day i froze for a while because i kinda forgot how to use powerpoint. it's been like freaking 3 years since i last used it. okay time to bury myself deep in my work now.

pd

i am starting to feel the heat.

it's not stress, it's just im getting more disturbed, more perturbed and more pressured than ever. i'm not boasting, but i hardly stres myself out to the point where i cannot take it anymore. even for studying, i think i study to actually forget anything else that is stressing me out. studying can be fun and healthy if one manages to find out how to appreciate it and manage the stress levels that supposedly accompany it. i get most stressed when i am planning my timetables for school actually. last semester i took freaking 4 hours just to come out with a proper timetable for myself.

it's with regards to my event. yes, initially there was alot of loose ends that we have not tied. but most of the issues have already been cleared, but new ones have surfaced. it's getting abit frustrating though when some issues just cannot be settled. that's one. and another thing is the event seems quite popular i think. it turns out even my secondary school friends might want to join. it probably gives me added incentive to do better, but it also exerts more healthy pressure on me too i guess.

in any case apparently i ruffled a few feathers with my no-nonsense last minute email to my committee members. well yes, i wasn't being professional by allowing my bad mood to interfere with work. but i felt i was going to push the members soon anyway, and i had to get things done too. yes it was last minute, and my email was abit curt. but it's not easy being in my shoes!

people sometimes think it is easy being the project director. just abuse the authority and just delegate stuffs. well some stuffs i really don't know who's supposed to do, so i do it myself. and i'm not boasting, but i've already done quite a bit of stuffs that i needn't have. and yes, i do forget things also, i admit.

but i'm not perfect. neither am i the best project director around. i took up this post voluntarily because i felt the event was interesting, and not because i was appointed to it and given blessings by the people upstairs. whatever i do, i do according to what i know and who i have. my instincts and gut feelings guide me, which obviously do not involve proper planning and delegation of stuffs. in that sense i'm quite horrible as a project director.

i suppose alot of people would not have belief in my way of doing things. well, all i can say is, i do things as according to what my gut feelings and instinct instruct me. of course i do try to think rationally, but yes, i 'm not the most professional to do so. in any case my methods have not gone down well with people, so i'm sorry okay people.

seriously, i have alot of things, the little things, that i have to settle. come and be in my shoes, than you will understand why it is best to have a project director that is level-headed and always calm under pressure. i don't mind taking up jobs that i can delegate to other people, if i see i can help out in it. it's not a race to win hearts or votes for that matter. in any case, i'm really sorry if my people management skills have been poor.

dear you,

i'm sorry if i was being unreasonable. it's just that i couldn't accept that you would get mad over a simple thing. but yes, i see things differently and maybe i was insensitive. can we start afresh? you know i'm always scared whenever you are around,. and it's not like i'm purposelly giving you the cold shoulder or anything. i'm just scared.

chalet

my right foot still doesn't feel right (no pun intended).

it's been 8 days since i injured it but i can't even jog on the spot without feeling pain at the bone. the limp is gone but the pain persists. didn't help that i aggravated the injury at the chalet last thursday. i think i should drop by the polyclinic on tuesday then, since if this doesn't cure fast it would really hinder my training progress. hence i had to give training a miss yesterday.

in any case i just got back from my chalet 2 days ago with my silat mates. it was quite fun. it was also my 1st ever chalet with friends. yes, despite me being already 21 years old, that was my 1st ever chalet with friends. haha. it started on wednesday, and we left the place early on friday morning. went a full 24 hours without sleep for the 1st time ever i think, then managed to catch only an hour's nap and carried on with the day's activities on thursday. haha. it was crazy, just walking around with read eyes and lacking alot of sleep. but it was fun nevertheless.

it's real fun just to walk and hang around by the beach in the wee hours of the morning, talking away and playing games. we tried to catch the sun rise too, but the clouds were blocking our view. our barbeque was on thursday night and it was quite fun too, and i and hanan ended up by being hosts for charades for everyone else. haha. if was fun thinking of all the craziest and hardest words to describe in charades. me and hanan managed to come up with things like osteoporosis, equestrian, placido domingo, coroner, quebec and lots more hard and crazy words. haha. but most of the time i spent really talking alot to people, and re-strengthening bonds that i already had. all in all i think i had a great time at the chalet, even though we actually spent only around 36 hours there despite it being a 3D2N chalet.

but now back to business. it's already the last week of holidays. boo hoo. and everyday for the whole week i have stuffs going on! tomorrow i have some briefing thing going on somewhere in the east. tuesday is booked for a trip to queensway and east coast park. on wednesday i might have another class outing (having missed last week's one) and followed by training in the evening. thursday i have my night cycling meeting. friday there might be a POW outing, if not fab says he wants 2 go to sentosa, and that same evening i have another dinner in the east. saturday i have training, and then another overnight recce well into sunday morning.

my goodness, no space to breathe. what a hectic start to the new year. well i hope the next semester will be good for me. hopefully i can find time to study and revise properly, amidst all the activities and trainings that i will have. 2007, personally, wasn't such that great a year. but at least i made really alot of new friends, from work and from school. really alot. but i hope 2008 will be a blast for me. and 1st on the list - to get through this hectic week, and then next up -my night cycling event!

please visit http://will-2-wheel.blogspot.com/. for further details on my night cyclnig event. thank you for your support!