For much of the first half of 2011 I got caught up with so much work. From December all the way to the last day of March, I was practically just spending my time working on the honours thesis. Indeed, that period was one of the most trying I've had. The only class I had was rhetoric in politics, in which I parodied Chaplin for my presentation in class. That was such an awesome get-up and performance in my own opinion. I fought in IVP, but lost in the second round (all this while the day and night before I was struggling to finish the references and bibliography for my thesis). In any case NUS emerged overall champions, which was really a remarkable achievement! (considering how badly we did last year). 2 days after my rhetoric exam paper I flew off to Macau and Hong Kong for my 1st grad trip with the Fatcampers. In effect I missed the GE2011, though I did try hard to stay up as late as I could in Hong Kong for the results. 2 days after getting back home from Hong Kong it was off to Jogjakarta with the guys. At the end of May I received my results and thankfully I got A- for both the honours thesis and for rhetoric, which was really more than what I was earnestly hoping for. June passed without any notable events really, and July was when I had my commencement and I went to KL to catch Arsenal in action against the Malaysian national team.

And now what? I'm doing graduate studies in NUS too. Well, the feeling of being an undergraduate and a graduate is different for sure. I hope the next 2 years will be kind to me, because it's been a stop-start experience for so far. On some days I feel justified about why I chose to continue studying, on others I just feel that it might have been a serious mistake. But I push on nevertheless - the next 2 years of my life has been determined, and I hope those two years spent along this path shall be justified. I take this leap of faith into the unknown, maybe having to face my baptism of fire soon enough. Somehow I will get through all of this, I hope and I pray.

I don't know why I blogged today. As a form of escapism, probably? My 3 month break consisted of so many things - holidays, training sessions, researching. Very many ups and downs. Maybe more down than up. Rather, the scale of the down completely outweigh all the ups. I can't deny I'm affected deeply. I figured the whole disappointment thing would dissipate but apparently it hasn't. It rears its ugly head now and then, and it makes me feel like crap from time to time. The cahiers de doléances might be quite long, but maybe it is my destiny that all this has had to happen.

History repeats itself - first time as tragedy, second time as farce.

i woke up feeling deflated and then dejected. then it was raining heavily. i left home slightly earlier than usual but i still arrived in school late. though many more were late. but the journey to school was painful. i've never seen jurong east mrt packed with people up till half of the platform. it was so bad. i could only board the connecting train to clementi at the 5th attempt. and the announcements that kept playing was 'please wait for the next train if you are unable to board the train, thank you.' like duh, damn it. why must they rub it in? then you know when you reach the bus stop and everyone is trying to squeeze under the shelter, then there will be these rude or lazy idiots who wont close their umbrella while walking under shelters and they will just poke everyone with their umbrellas, forgetting that most of the time they are shorter than average and their lazy ass arms are too lazy to extend higher so that the umbrella won't bang into anyone else. what a lousy and sleepy start to the day.

and in class everyone was just complaining about the 8K essay that we had to submit today, but i'm just glad it's done and over with. to the next essay, and then exams, and then research, then back to school, then the essays, the exams...

i don't know why people like to be 18. like when it's their birthday they try to fool themselves by saying that no i'm not like 35 but i want to be 18. do people want to be 18 because of the looks or because of the lack of responsibilities when you're 18 years of age? 18 or 24 or 35 i think it's almost all the same - welcome to the grown-up ages. if so i'd rather go back to my primary school days. like when i was 10 or something. so carefree, so fun life was. just rushing home after school to catch the cartoons on tv, or to go play that catching game me and friends always did at the playground near my house. that's where i banged into the concrete wall and a tiny part of my front tooth got chipped off. and yes the chipped off part is still there. ah, the memories.

and out of all this, am i asking for too much? i don't know if i am, but pray, you can tell me if i am.

sounds like a typical saturday for me actually. although this will become much more of a permanent fixture for the next few months i think. at least i have a new laptop to accompany me(yayyness haha) if i get bored of readings, then again we all get bored of readings all too easily.

life really sucks, the vicious cycle i mentioned in my previous blog posting is becoming even more vicious - and the work on essays are going to start soon. wow. i think i've never worked as hard as i am now in my entire life, and having said that this is not to say the hard work is paying off well. i think to do really well i need to do better than my current rate.

technically it' still the month of raya (well actually no, but based on a local cultural argument yes it is!). but i haven't gone out much anyway. most importantly i've visited my dad's relatives, my relatives back in my village in jb and went out with the silat people the other day. that should suffice for raya celebrations. it's not that raya holds no meaning, but what is the meaning of celebrating hari raya anyway?

i am lucky enough that i've been around long enough to be known by my name by my relatives, rather than the labelling as 'someone's son'. haha. but raya every year presents to me the same recurring theme that i've experienced for many cycles - that as every raya comes and goes, people get older and new people arrive on the scene, through marriages or birth.

but it is deaths that concern me. rather, impending death. my paternal grandfather celebrated his 78th birthday the day before raya this year. we gathered at his place on the eve of raya and celebrated his birthday with a birthday cake (just like me he's a september baby!). well he still looks fine, though he looks very worn out. my grandmother's condition has become worse in the past year even though she's relatively young by modern standards (only in her early 70s). she's almost bedridden and almost immobile, and her mannerisms remind me greatly of muhammad ali with parkinson's. its a sad sight really.

with the other neneks and atuks (or wawas) it can be equally depressing. it's quite sad when one of the actually said 'when i die don't forget to visit me okay'. another said in response to his unsteady balance and movement, 'my time is almost up already'. when we visited my maternal step-grandmother she said something about impending death too. on the first day of raya, i did my friday prayers at the alkaff mosque near potong pasir. then i noticed a coffin in the mosque. i felt so sad that the person passed away on the 1st day of hari raya. to pray for the dead on the first day of raya is quite depressing. to know a friend's grandmother passed away on the second day of raya is equally depressing. to know a friend can't spend raya with his mother is depressing too.

i'm happy that raya comes every year, but i can't escape the fact that as i get older so does everyone else, and that brings everyone closer to death. more so for those in their golden years. raya always reminds me of how much we've all changed and aged. i suspect that every raya will become more and more depressing for me, but i must remember that raya is a time of celebration and gaiety and not sadness.

well that's all for now. back to readings and more readings! selamat hari raya everyone!

it's a strange feeling to come back to my alma mater as a teacher, albeit a temporary one. the school has changed physically in many ways, but there are a few faces here and there who look awfully familiar. it is surprising to note a few who still recognise me. we've all been caught up with events like the family carnival and the upcoming 50th anniversary of my school. it's older than singapore! though we can't really match the history of other well-established schools that date back to the freaking 19th century for goodness sake! haha.

talking about teachers, yesterday i went for an primary school friend's wedding and we caught up with our old malay language teachers. only one of the three taught me - cikgu samnah. the dear old woman was a good teacher in my opinion, although in one or two aspects i disagreed with the way she handled students. but i really liked her as a teacher. so when i approached her yesterday she couldn't recognise me at the first instance, and asked me for my name instead. when i said yusri she looked at me and slapped me on the forearm. i could sense instant recognition in her eyes! *dances around with glee* haha.

the thing about me is that my face has changed quite a bit since i left primary school (or at least that's what most of the primary school people say). i think i can agree on that. well cikgu asked me where i have disappeared to all this years. it's true that i hardly came back to peiying after i left the school in 1998. i admit secondary school was so much more happening, and late hours and my band practices always kept me tied to bp. but when i said to her im in nus she straightaway muttered alhamudillah (praises to Allah), and i felt she said it earnestly.

i think many go into the teaching line for this reason - the satisfaction that they have made a difference in someone's life. many teachers have repeatedly stated that this is one of the defining reasons that they choose to teach. they know they cannot make millions as a teacher, but the cost of changing someone and moulding him to be a better and more educated person is priceless. the pride that comes with knowing that an ex-student has gone far in life is something teachers find extremely satisfying. i think they really love it when ex-students come back and say they've achieved this and that. i'm not blowing my trumpet but from my primary school batch i'm among a handful who have actually made it to university (there's probably around less than 10 of us from maybe around 40-50 malay students?). making it to university isn't something big for most people nowadays, but when looking at context it means a whole world to many people.

i think it means a whole lot to cikgu that at least a few of her students have made it to the menara gading (ivory tower). if anything she should know that she has contributed to my success really. if not for her maybe i wouldn't have improved my malay, which enabled me to get an A* for it. because of that i could get into bpghs, and most importantly i was offered to take higher malay in bpghs even though i never took it in primary school since i was from em2 stream. and taking higher malay meant i entered a better class, and most importantly mixed and befriended with people whom i consider good and close friends with up to today. because i took could take higher malay in school i could also take malay literature and did well for it in my o levels, and because i took higher malay in bp i need not take malay at jc. the knock-on effect, ladies and gentlemen, really affects me all the way till i entered jc and even nus. cikgu's role might be understated, but i am forever thankful. she really made me a better malay language student. as have my form teacher from p3 to p6, miss bong (now mrs wong), who really drilled us into better performing students. i am forever indebted and grateful to these 2 teachers.

the thing about my success, if it is to come by, is that it is obviously not only due to my own efforts. my parents, my teachers, my friends, my peers all have had a part to play. i don't know about others, but sometimes i feel i'm carrying more than my own weight of expectations on my shoulders. of course much of it is self-imagination, but i think it means a lot to a few groups of people that i do well in my endeavours. maybe i don't owe my life to anyone else, but at least i have a debt to repay to all who have had a part to play in moulding and engineering me the way i am today. especially my parents i guess.

on a less serious and studious i watched despicable me last thursday, and it was a good movie. as i've mentioned before, it takes quite an effort to make me laugh when i watch shows, and once or twice the movie actually did the trick. it was a light-hearted show that's fun to watch. but now i'm down with an irritating influenza, which meant i didn't start the week at 100%. the worse thing is that the next day the sore throat and the phlegm will start (because that is what that always happens to me every time i'm down with flu).

and holland lost the world cup. sigh. i didn't like the way they bullied spain around, but i think they had a chance to seal a win. a team that has been on a winning streak all the way from 2 years ago cannot be underestimated, but they fell short when needed the most. i told myself if holland really won it i will go and get that holland jersey with that gold star on top of its crest, but too bad i do not have to part with my $80. a valiant effort though, and at least i can't stop hearing the sniggers when i say i support the oranje. they aren't the one-trick pony, they are the real stuff.

i was vacuuming my room in the morning just now the when the machine suddenly stuttered to a stop. i wondered why though, and i pressed the 'on' button again to switch it on and suddenly smoke started to billow out from its back. it reminded me of cars that break down that have smoke suddenly coming out from the front. anyway the smell was really strong and quite a lot of smoke was being emitted. all i did was to go out of my room and tell my dad the vacuum cleaner had smoke coming out. eventually the whole house was drenched with the odour of the smoke. the 10 year old vacuum cleaner finally spoilt, confirmed by the fact that it tripped the curcuits when we plugged it in and tried to switch in on. it was quite shocking to see smoke out from the vacuum cleaner - certainly it jolted me from my slumber haha.

so the past few weeks have been occupied with nothing meaningful of notes. had that 33-day preparatory course for my internship, a 9 and-a-half hours karaoke session (from 1230pm to 9pm!), and several days spent going out here and there. and making time to read books in between, and playing winning 11..

oh and of course - watching the world cup. i'm supporting the oranje this time round, like i did in 2006, though i hope they do better this time round. actually to be honest i don't really support them, 'cos i don't really really have a side that i fancy. i do have an affinity towards the netherlands, but that's about it. but let's just take it that i support them then haha. well there have been many upsets so far - the most significant is that the 2 finalists from the previous edition of the world cup are out! that also means there will be a new world champion too. starting next week though, i won't really be able to watch as many games as i would like to considering the fact that my i've to report daily at 725am for the next 5 weeks. though i won't want to miss the final - a point i've adhered to since world cup 1998. the final match would be on early monday morning, so i will have to schedule my sleeping schedule accordingly.

the other day i was almost tempted to waste 80bucks on their away jersey, which i thought was very nice, but i didn't in the end. fab bought the ghana jersey though, which cost 89bucks. we later went through piles of old jerseys, and he bought another 2 while i couldn't find any that had my size. i nearly bought a bolton jersey, but fab did ask a good question - who would ever want to buy a bolton jersey? and i replied, bolton fans la. an apt answer. i realised that if i was going to buy that bolton jersey, it was only because it had my size and at 29bucks it was dirt cheap. not really because i was a bolton fan anyway. luckily later on i actually used my head to think, and instead i go myself a white drifit polo tee at 23 bucks - something much more practical than any bolton jersey haha.

so the internship starts next week, and i'm somewhat looking forward to how things will pan out. it's quite exciting at times, but i know there will be plenty of challenges. might as well make the time and effort worthwhile. at least some of the teachers do actually still remember me. haha.