melancholy

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it has been raining yesterday and today, and it makes me feel even more lethargic than i already am.

today the news writes about the israeli attacks into gaza. apparently it killed alot of civilians, children included. the other day i watched a documentary in class about the atrocities that the israeli army has done to palestinians in the past. i think it's sad. i don't know if i can comment much, but as a soldier one cannot kill civilians. the thing is, this isn't even war. yes, everyone has a right to protect their security within their own territories, but for me this is too much already. but the world can't do nuts about it, and everyone just goes about issuing statements of restrain and what not. something that i can even do on my simple blog. well i won't say much about this anyway, but like many world leaders all the world i shal just 'condemn' these 'acts of violence' and urge 'restraint' from both parties and urge the renewal of 'peace talks'.

and let's not even start on mas selamat kastari. i suppose he appears everywhere on buses, train stations, even in RCs and CCs in the form of posters, but yeah, he still eludes the authorities.

(skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don't follow football.)

well, arsenal gave me a near heart attack by only equalising against villa in the dying seconds. it's quite worrying to see arsenal's attacking options being very limited in the absence of eduardo and van persie. i can't remember the last time adebayor has scored for arsenal, and that slump is worrying. well at least the did really put in effort in coming forward but villa really made it hard. if playing badly and still being able to gain a point is the hallmark of a champion, then i hope this yer would be it! seriously, at least now it's already march, and arsenal is leading the pack.

oh and if you all did read on what i wrote on sissoko last week - well guess what, over the weekend he did yet another overhead kick. but this time at least it lead to juventus' opening goal. it was frey's fault as he only managed to weakly punch the ball out to sissoko, and he acrobatically executed an overhead goal into the net. well done for him, but eventually juventus still lost 3-2 at home to fiorentina. in any case, i watched abit of that match and sissoko's passing is still as wayward as ever. haha. other than that this weekend's football diet hasn't served up as much controversy as last week did i guess. so next up is the midweek champions league ties, and i should like to want to watch them games, since i missed them 2 weeks ago.

on saturday evening we had a silat performance all the way in hougang and it turned out okay. no major injuries, except for me bumping into zul when i was being thrown on the mat. i caused redness around his left eye, and a small graze below his left eye. other than that the performance was okay. even thought there were mats but the whole matted was quite small. there was not much room for manouvre so we had to improvise with things a little bit.

yesterday night i also caught a silat performance with fadhli at ucc. but this time round it was a combined effort with nus ilsa tari. overall the event was okay. the dance was quite good, althought the silat performances was a tad disappointing. saw a few perguruans on display but there wasn't much excitement in any case. both me and fadhli agreed that well, at least we didn't have to pay to enter and watch. haha.

(the next few paragraphs will form part of the melancholic series that i've somewhat started from the previous entry. so err actually it's best if you avoid this part. and don't say i didn't warn you.)

so how do i start this.

let's just say life has been becoming sadder than it already is. if i want to be frank, yesterday was probably among the saddest days in my entire life. yesterday i woke up feeling horrible, and i made my way to school to study. i had to force myself to get out of home so that sunday wouldn't be wasted at home. overall yesterday, studies-wise it was a very productive day. i managed to complete reading a political science textbook. so all is okay.

but yeah, i cannot hide the fact that deep inside i'm somewhat devastated. crushed, like the collapsed crane incident at nus the other day. for almost the whole of yesterday, whenever i'm alone, i just felt like breaking down there and then. when i studied, sometimes i felt distracted by thoughts and all. i will just stare blankly into space and think.

yesterday i received good news too. well done my friend. at least i can say congratulations to you, and may things turn out how you hope it would. if i might add, this was what i was hoping that would happen for you. although it is not exactly how i fathomed it would turn out, well at least you are happy with it.

and i hoped that it would happen to me too. it would seem almost perfect. i have my own dreams and visions. alas, i don't think they will ever be realised. your good news made me happy for you, yet even sadder for myself. when i look at things from even bigger perspective, it magnifies the devastation even further. but do not put blame on yourself. it does not take away the fact how elated i am for what has happened to you, so i am grateful. do not worry about me.

the book i was reading yesterday was on negotiations and diplomacy. if only feelings could be negotiated. if only we could bargain for feelings. but people are not states. and neither does feelings involve professionalism and formality.

i cannot hide my extreme disappointment because of my sense of attachment and fondness. when put in perspective, it is different from how it was in the past and how it is now. am i the victim of choice or circumstances? i wonder. it is sad that like i said the last time round - i am not most eligible, neither am i the scum of the earth. then what is it? as oxymoronic as it sounds, there is always constant change. people change, and so do their values, ethics, character, personality, thoughts, ideas, beliefs and many more. do i want to? if i am given chance i will see to it and see if it is okay.

in any case, i just have one thing to say - i'll see where the heart takes me. if it turns numb or is open or whatever, i will just go. i know God's miracles works in the strangest ways, and i believe in Him. all i need is a sign. a guiding light. this slumber will not last, so do not fear or worry for me. the only person that one can ever ask for help from is himself. hope is everywhere, it is just that i haven't had the belief to hope yet. it will take time.

still at the crossroads though, don't know whether to go straight, turn left, turn right, or make a u-turn.