the song that never ends

is this the end?

i would argue no, and so would a few others. i just want to say that at the end of the day i have been misunderstood yet again.

i think there is a difference between finding something interesting and being interested in something (or someone for that matter). go figure the difference.

secondly i don't understand what is the meaning of these words - 'i finally realised that you didn't mean to do all those things'... for heaven's sake whatever gave you the idea that i was being 'robbed or 'stolen' away from you? if this sort of accusation is not upsetting enough, i don't know why you assumes that she has been alright all this while.

i don't see a solution anyway so i'll just shut up after this. with you being selfish and me being stubborn, i don't want to care already.

on a better note i'm sort of halfway through my examinations. many of my friends seem to finish way earlier than i do (i finish only on thursday). well there's not really much to look forward to anyway even after exams end. what of next academic year? i can't wait for it to start, though it seems i'll withdraw more and more into my invisible tortoise shell that i've seemed to develop in the past academic year. no thanks to you, i should add.

okay i shall stop digging up the past already, before the audience feels that i'm going too far in raking up the past. i just want to let off some steam that has built up inside me somewhere. fortunately the studying groove hasn't been affected.

i won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound.

in reponse to your note i shall reply here instead. since i have been deleted from your msn and facebook realms that there is no point in me using that medium to reply.

firstly i acknowledge i have been insensitive and immature myself in handling issues. but i just want to make it clear - i might never understand your pain, i know you are going through a lot, but if you think i'm not going through pain then that's wrong. like i said before, do you think i take pride in breaking someone's heart? it is not a nice feeling - and i will carry this guilt around. since the start of last semester i have basically withdrawn into my shell - because i have been disillusioned with what people have been talking about, the accompanying murmurs, your antics etc. during that period all i have done was to shut my trap and not do anything much, and even that i have been criticised for.

tell me what you want me to do? you deleted me from your online realm, and it is a clear indication that you don't want me around. then later you ask me why i do not talk to you. then after that nothing much, then suddenly you come and talk to me again. and all this while i have remained quiet. frankly your behaviour has been erratic to say the least. has much changed? i would say no. even if you 'rehabilitate' my supposed 'loyalists' from my 'camp', i would say that the damage is irreversible. you have good friends, friends who look out for you and advise you on matters, so i would urge you to listen to them. they want the best for you, and so do i. my hand has been forced because i cannot take it that even after so long my friends are being given the cold shoulder (at least of when i blogged about this last month). i cannot take it that not much has changed since almost a year ago, even though i have really not done much to antagonise things. if anything they have been of pure coincidental in nature.

by blogging about this i have shown how ugly and cruel i can be, but it doesn't matter. i have generally kept quiet and just let out my frustrations on my blog, and then suddenly i'm blamed for raking up the past. i don't get it when you cannot try to history remain as such, and then it is me who is blamed for raking up the past. while i have kept quiet and kept to myself it has been ample time for you to sort yourself out, but even after all this while things remain like nothing has changed. what else do you expect me to do?

i have always remained like this - sitting back, not doing anything, letting you have all the space you want. and me? i just keep my own frustrations to myself, ranting it on my blog once in a while. what else do you demand of me? i'm really at a loss. you want us to be like how we were when we first became friends, yet it seems i don't exist to you. you say you are trying, but that has been the rhetoric since the beginning.

i am not begging you to add me back on msn or what, please, i have greater dignity than that. i just want you to walk the talk. and believe that destiny will bring you good things if you want to believe in it. on my part i have not done much (or anything, for that matter) because i don't want to make things potentially harder or more difficult for me, you and the people around us. i can carry on and disappear like i have been doing all this while, it's fine. for me whatever happens life carries one, and i believe that in the end you will find your path to happiness too. i just hope you will believe in that.

arsenal

i am pissed enough to take time off my busy schedule just to blog away my frustations.

if you happened to tune in to the wigan-arsenal match you would understand why. throwing away a 2-0 lead to lose a game 3-2 to a club fighting against relegation is completely unacceptable. it's fine if one lost to barcelona or even spurs, but against wigan when you are 2-0 up is completely ridiculous. i've always thought that arsenal should never win anything this season - so that wenger would do good on his promise in actually restructuring the squad, after saying that if this batch failed this season he would admit that his policy had failed. which i think it did.

i don't get it why it is so hard to get a good goalkeeper and able defenders. Fabianski let in a goal that came through the centre (mind you, the centre, not the sides) of the goal and can't even catch the ball properly. he completely doesn't inspire confidence in defence and is still weak at crosses. almunia is decent, but lacks that extra edge to be top-notch. if wenger opens his eyes properly he can actually see that europe has quite a number of good goalkeepers. Good defenders can also come at cheap prices, and yet ironically for a squad so young three out of its four centrebacks are old enough to buy a hdb flat if they are single. what sort of a policy is that? silvestre, despite scoring, can't even hold his ground - and wenger thinks his experience can be beneficial to the youngsters? what nonsense. he'll only be passing on crap advice to the youngsters. i don't rate gallas that highly either.

even the defensive midfield part is too lightweight. song has improved a lot, but not enough, and denilson is even worse. he can't make his presence felt, and that was why barcelona completely overrun the arsenal midfield. a good defensive midfielder isn't that expensive also you know, i'm not kidding. if wenger's scouting network is so good i wonder why a brazilian is being played at the defensive midfielder position. it's ridiculous.

i'm fine with the midfield and attacking midfield options, although i think they tend to be too elaborate and casual at times. just that i think we need a more aggressive striker. for all the goals bendtner has scored he has an extremely poor first touch for a striker (when you need 2 or 3 touches like he does to get the ball under control it means you are really poor). anyway bendtner doesn't offer much options either other than using his huge-ass empty head to head balls in. arsenal really need a quality striker to able to step in when van persie is out, or to complement him. eduardo is completely past it, and vela looks like he's never going to fulfil the potential he supposedly has.

i've supported arsenal for 12 years already, but this season has been the most exasperating so far i think. the team plays like it has nothing to play for already, which i find irritating. i hope a radical structuring of the squad will take place, if not i really think wenger has not learnt his lesson well. it takes guts to admit that he has made mistakes in his tactics and selection, but i think for the sake of the club and the supporters i think he must quash his ego a little bit.

okay dah.

let me talk to you for a minute wenger, shut up shut up.

moe

exams in one-a-half weeks' time yet i'm not revising properly. days haven been spent playing winning eleven, going out to shop and dine with friends, and even a laser quest session just now. i feel very lethargic nowadays and i really can't wait for the semester to end and for my final year to start. i actually cannot wait for the time when i can finally focus on my major modules and being able to research and and do a thesis on my area of interest. can't wait for that.

on another note i got rejected for the mfa internship. i don't know if i was not aggressive enough during my interview, or that there were really other better and able candidates on offer. on the bright side of things i actually got that moe internship (i just only got the email). i was offered the 5th choice (out of 5 choices actually). i applied to do my internship at several jcs, but i got the last choice - my former secondary school. haha. oh well, at least i will be able to see how the new building is like. been a good 8 years since i left secondary school.

the last silat friendly happened last sunday, and i didn't fight that well. i must buck up, but the one thing i'm happy is that i'm attempting to try new techniques to vary my style of play. there's still a lot of work to do, but i think its very important to vary my techniques. i'm a fairly slow player, so i gotta work on that too. on a side note it was depressing to see farah getting injured rather badly. to hear screams or teammates just crumbling to the ground in agony is heartbreaking. when i see such scenes suddenly i think of the horror on the faces of the arsenal players after the injuries to eduardo and ramsey. i think i sort of understand the psychological impact of witnessing such injuries - to the injured and to those who witness. it can be potentially damaging to the team morale seeing such horrific injuries. i feel sad for farah, and i hope she recovers quickly. go syasya! haha.

on another note i just want to comment on recent personal happenings which i find rather unsettling. i will ramble, so you readers have been warned. haha.

firstly i just want to comment that when i'm quoted i hope i'm quoted verbatim - or at least i hope my words are not distorted. when i make it clear that what i say is A, i really wish that i'm not quoted as saying B. this sort of thing gets me down very easily, because when people don't sieve emotions through the mind that's when irrationality sets in - causing people to think of things that actually isn't happening is happening, when in actual fact it's far from the truth. and this is linked to distortion of speeches that many people indulge in.

secondly i agree that i'm not perfect. it's right to blame me for anything that i have done wrong, because the actions result from me. but i think it is fair to say i feel my friends shouldn't be dragged in together and being treated as pariahs together along with me. in any case we are all not in our teens anymore - old enough to recognise that there are certain things, attitudes, emotions, and feelings that should be left behind back in the secondary school and jc days. obviously i'm not vouching for myself that i'm so matured even if i am that old. and i find no excuse even along gendered lines i feel that allow girls leeway on this and that, and guys for leeway on this and that matter.

thirdly, i've grown to realise that every occurrences have lessons for us to learn from. i have learnt many lessons, some wonderful and some painful, from what i have gone through - and they help shape my character and worldview. one thing is for sure - i am fatalistic to a fairly large extent, and i believe that God only has good things in store for people who strive to do something about their lives. while we work hard in our everyday endavours, i think many people forget that as muslims it is central to believe in the destiny that He has mapped out for us - whether we like or not. don't ask me if it is fair that God has destined certain people to be poor, rich, criminals, homosexuals, cancer-bearing etc etc, that is not what should be questioned. the point is this - it's not even about respecting God's destiny, but a muslim should accept destiny, and the belief that if i strive to work hard and be a good muslim i know things will turn out good for me. belief in destiny is central to islamic faith. if we don't want to accept destiny then i don't see how one can be a good person, much less a good muslim in life.

lastly i've said this time and time again - i really believe in the social work mantra, that people can help you but only you can help yourself.

generally speaking i don't like to antagonise people, and i don't want to make things awkward for myself and for the people around me. i think i don't know how else to handle certain delicate matters, as i feel i've exhausted all my options. and so have others. i think the ball has always been in the other court for a very long time. issues like these get me upset and upset my friends too, so i hope matters will be resolved. once that threshold has been breached - then all will fall into place.

with issues like this life becomes mundane and draggy, and there's really nothing much to look forward to. even ivp and the holidays don't look like they can give my mood a boost.

but you are the only exception.

mfa

1) the flu and sore throat plus phlegm thing has been bothering me for the past week, and today i still feel a tad lethargic and weak. this sucks when i'm sparring twice tomorrow.

2) my left calf is annoying painful, and it doesn't seem like it will recover by tomorrow. it took an unfortunate blow in training yesterday, and if i have to limp a few steps first after getting up from sitting down or lying down then i wonder how i will pull through tomorrow.

3) i got rejected for that internship.

4) me and my group mates have absolutely no idea how to properly tackle the debate motion, "What was rational in the early 20th century European knowledge system became irrational at the end of the century." i get lost completely in abstract terms like postmodernism, existentialism, and i'm researching on Foucault. that's just wonderful.

5) arsenal got drawn with barcelona. the sort of draw that would completely hinder arsenal's progress.

you turned my life around, you picked me up when i was down.

jack neo

arguably the biggest news that has gripped town this past week is that of director jack neo's affair. you can see many parallels with the tiger woods fiasco - although jack neo isn't that famous, nor is he that rich, or good looking, or plays golf. okay then scrap the parallels part then.

but seriously - how often do you such things happening in singapore? it just takes a small spark to cause the whole edifice to crumble. who knew he was such an asshole? haha. though i must say singapore hasn't got that 'mistress' culture - by that i mean the public accepts that such things like cheating and affairs is prevalent in the entertainment circles and people lap up such stories with glee, like how they do in the us and the uk. on top of that these mistresses, when the media approaches them to reveal it all, make a killing out of such stories. unfortunately what we've gotten is a public backlash against jack neo, and also against the 2-year mistress. if wendy thought she could make a killing from divulging such stories - i think she's extremely naive.

on to wendy. firstly i think she's rather ugly. secondly, i cannot fathom why she identifies herself as a model first, then actress next. she might be a part-time actress, but is she a full-time model? one of the new paper columnists wrote that it was no wonder singapore's modelling industry is in the doldrums, when we have models with the looks wendy has. but then again for all you know, she could be, as jj described it, a 'hand' model - only her hands appear with the soap or cleansing cream on tv ads. but seriously, no offence to wendy, but it really is a joke if she really identifies herself as a model. goodness knows why she wanted to confront his wife anyway. and she said she called the media to document the whole thing to punish jack neo, but didn't fathom it will lead to all this. for goodness sake - either shes stupid, or i'm stupid. i don't think i am, so it's the former then. it's true - she's only 22 and still immature and naive. don't get me wrong - jack is an asshole if all these allegations are true, but i think wendy went too far. pardon my my strong stance here - i still cannot take it that she identifies herself as a model. haha.

on another note the past 2 weeks have been kind to me. i managed to get through the hellish week well, and this past week has been markedly relaxed for me. but i think things are coming along fine - i managed to do much of the real estate finance tutorial just now! what is more amazing is that i sort of self-taught myself, even though it took hours. but i don't mind really. and the past 2 weeks have been rejuvenating too. in the sense that i think i've gotten a clearer picture of what my future might turn out to be.

there are those plans for internships during the coming holidays. the other day while showering in the evening a sudden thought struck me - a topic or at least an area of focus for my honours thesis. i have some concrete thoughts on my post-graduation plans also. so far so good i think.

so for now i'll just carry on with what i'm doing. although, seriously, i need to drop 3kg somehow. how to do that while maintaining current dietary habits? i probably must start running soon, but i know that won't really happen haha.

on another note i just want to say this - that so far in these world, there are 3 types of people that i totally have no time for:

1) people who i hate

2) people who hate me

3) people who have a fucked up attitude (in general, specifically it's hard to define)

a clean sweep of all 3 would totally mean that you're quite fucked up. you're lucky only 2 of them apply to you.

when the stars go blind, and the darkness starts to flood your eyes,

when you're falling behind, i will carry you.

myself

the past two weeks have been rather eventful. it's been two weeks right since i last blogged? okay it doesn't matter.

yusri the clumsy idiot

last monday there was this incident when i was walking to the toilet, where along the way one had to walk past this door and go down a flight of stairs to the toilet. the thing about the door is that it's really in the blind spot corner - when you turn left to and left again into the flight of stairs the door can just open in your face. that was what that happened to me. i was looking to my right when i walked past the door which was on my left - and the next thing i know some hard thing slammed right into my skull. for a split second i felt i was asleep or something like that, but when the pain suddenly shot through i sort of 'regained' consciousness. the girl who swung the door open repeatedly apologised, but i said it was fine. it wasn't fine actually, but i don't think the weight and the force of the swing cracked my skull or anything like that. i can still think properly so yes.

the very next day, in that same toilet which i was heading to when i got slammed in the skull, i was taking my abolution. i was washing my feet from the tap, and then i heard someone come in to the toilet so i looked back to see who it was. well, in the process of twisting my body, which was already in an awkward position (my right feet off the floor and under the tap as i was rinsing it), my left leg couldn't hold the weight of my body. coupled with the slippery nature of the floor, i actually slipped and fell slowly onto the floor as i tried to grope around for something to hold on to. but in the end i still fell, on my left knee at that. anyway i didn't know who was it that walked in, but when he saw the fall he smiled and laughed politely, but i managed to help myself get up on my feet. luckily the joint hurt only for a day maximum. if anything i really had a wretched start to the week.

yusri the smart-looking person

i admit i don't dress well most of the time, and it's true. although for the past academic year, i've been conciously trying to do something about it - no more drifit tshirts to class, no more wearing slippers more than shoes for the whole week - that sort of thing. well the past week was islamic awareness week, and i signed up as a facilitator. apparently the dress code involved wearing a tie and geeky spectacles. so i opted to wear shirts to sch (for the first time that i did wear them without the intention to go out after that), and with that i put on my funky purple specs as well to avoid wearing geeky specs. i think it was sort of groundbreaking - i think freaking everyone had to say something about the specs or the whole look - positive ones mostly haha. though i don't have that many shirts to wear really, but in any case apparently the specs make me look smarter. but well, i prefer to look abit dorkier than i really am i suppose. haha. anyway yes, my glasses are real ones.

yusri the cheapskate shopper

have you ever looked through your wardrobe and actually think how much of the things you bought were on sale? i've come to realise that for all my tops and pants - at least 90-95% of the were bought either on offer (like buy two for a lesser price etc) or carried discounted prices. i just bought a tshirt yesterday for $10, and its original price was $49.90. i'm not really crazy about bargain-hunting, but i do try to look out for things on sale. call me a cheapskate or anything - all i can say is i'm not of the upper class so this is what i do best.

yusri as the one who lives up to the meaning of his name.

my name means ease. ease of what or ease with regards to what i'm not sure really. i do try to take things easy, for those who know me really i can be easy-going. a lot of things in this life is not easy to do or accomplish, but i try to tell myself in many cases that it is easy and that i can do this. i recognise that i am a person of limited abilities (especially when it comes to hands-on skills), so i try to pacify myself with the fact that i should really take things slowly as they come - because this is how God has created me. there are very few things which i find easy to do, but i would rather choose to focus on them and think of them as making up who and what i am today. maybe i am not meant to do other things, which incidentally i am very poor at. but i believe in the goodness of the Lord - and i am thankful that my life in general, has been one that is full of ease.

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear.

island creamery

it's the end of recess week of school and the start of the longest stretch of schooling weeks i've had so far.

i don't see why there is a need for my school to bring forward the recess week by a week. i don't think it's really because of chinese new year per se. i think the school is just kiasee (i.e. scared to die). if the school stuck with the normal system (the recess week starting after week 6), then that would mean on top of the recess week, 2 more valuable working days (monday and tuesday in week 5 would have been lost to chinese new year). this sort of kiasu and kiasee attitude has pervaded the school so much that it could not risk losing those 2 precious days, since semester 2 has more public holidays than semester 1 does. this sort of workaholic attitude will one just drive everyone nuts i tell you. it's no surprise at all that singapore ranks lowly on the happiness index. why would anyone be happy at the current stress levels the average student or worker is facing, and yet the mantra is to keep productivity levels up and better them evetually.

anyway weird stuffs keep happening. the other day we were at island creamery at serene centre, and we were staring at the ice cream display to choose the flavours. suddenly a man walked in and right in front of us and was looking at the display as well for a good few seconds. he then looked at us and pointed to pulut hitam and gestured a thumbs-up, and suggested we should try it. right after that he actually turned right and exited the store. if you ask me that was totally random but i chose pulut hitam anyway, and it was not too bad.

when i paid the money to the cashier i was due 50 cents change, and the cashier placed the coin on the counter but behind a small advertising stand on the counter. i found it weird that he didn't give it straight to me, so i had to reach out behind the small stand to get my change back. but by then the cashier realised his mistake and promptly picked the coin up and handed it to me. i think he was a newbie, probably 1st day on the job? either that or my presence really made him nervous somehow. haha. yesterday there was this man in the train who walked to and fro from the ends of the train carriage, while gesturing to himself in an orchestra conductor sort of way. he was clearly nuts since he paced up and down the carriages the whole time he was on the train. i've had my fair share of seeing weirdos show their talents in trains especially, so here's another to add to that collection.

well the recess week zoomed past that quickly. a lot of time was spent on going out with friends and having fun, and little time spent on studying. it's going to be such a long stretch from week 6 all the way to week 13, plus reading week and examinations week. not exactly looking forward to things.

when i look into your eyes i see something money can't buy.

it's past 7pm and i'm stuck in school in the computer lab. okay not exactly stuck. class ended close to 6pm but i really hate going home during the rush hour. it's annoying, and i can't really imagine having to face all that crowd when i work in the future. it's cold here in the lab, and to while the time away i watched football highlights of major matches over the weekend.

arsenal lost yet again - i've said many times i believe in wenger's philosophy of football, but sometimes abit of scientific knowledge and experience might come in handy. lightweight and short players cannot cope against burly, brusque and tall players most of the time - i think it's quite common-sensical. for all the talent and potential the squad is dripping with - it doesn't necessarily translate into actual success. i think many players have been given chance after chance and yet they have yet to fulfil their fullest potential - names like walcott, vela, denilson come to mind. gallas sucks by the way. i still believe that the squad need a good and proper centre-back, a proper defensive midfielder and a good out and out striker. if he really wants to buy a good striker, try higuain. like seriously.

the last week was crazy - crazy in the sense 2 funny and ridiculous things happened to me. last wednesday i was in the library browsing through books when i had this sudden stomachache - i really needed to crap there and then. so i rushed for the nearest toilet, and i went to the only cubicle that had a tap and a pipe. unfortunately the latch of the door of that very cubicle, to put it simply, was unworkable. so the door couldn't be locked or even closed tightly at all. to make it worse it was a squat toilet. i'm sorry but i'm no fan of wiping my ass with roll after roll of toilet paper, so no compromise on that part.

what i did was to hang my jeans on the hook on the door, and while i squatted to shit i tugged hard at my jeans so that the door would close at tightly as possible. smart huh? haha. all the time i was shitting i had to pull hard at my jeans so that the door would not creak open. and all this while praying that no one would try open the door. haha. although the tricky part came with the cleaning the ass part - and unfortunately some idiot actually opened the door when i was cleaning my ass and the moment i felt the door was opening i tugged hard at my jeans to force the door shut. i don't think he saw anything though haha. i had to manage making sure the door was shut as tightly as possible while at the same time cleaning myself up. an impossible task made possible out of necessity. the lesson learnt is that don't ever shit in that toilet in the library - the latch is there but it can't lock the door. what a joke.

then last friday i was at alexandra arch, the bridge right beside hortpark that traverses alexandra road. it was at around 8+ at night, and we were there camwhoring. so it led to taking jumpshots on the bridge. i did a few, and then i did a flying kick to the front. what happened? the right side of my shoe came off - and up it flew into the air. i traced the trajectory of the parabolic curve that the flight of my shoe took - it when up and very high over me and over the bridge (gasps!) and down it fell on to alexandra road. there was a second or two of disbelief over what just happened - and the next thing i know we were racing down the bridge to go retrieve the shoe.

i ran down with only the left side of my shoe on - and thankfully i spotted my shoe from the pavement. there it was, sitting prettily on the right turning lane of the road. close to the central divider of the road. i don't think any vehicles ran over it. i feared that it might have landed on some double-decker bus or a lorry - and goodness knows how long before anyone would discover the presence of a shoe on top of it. worse, maybe it could have caused some driver to swerve and cause some major accident. well thankfully none of those scenarios happened, so i dashed across the road to retrieve the shoe and dashed back - all in double-quick time. it was then followed by long periods of laughter at the ludicrity of the whole thing. haha. lesson learnt? never do jumpshots when you are wearing loose shoes - especially atop a bridge. and never on henderson waves - it's at least 15 storeys high! anyway this story shall be term yusri and the adventure of the flying shoe. haha.

2 more ridiculous stories to add to the vast collection that i already have. haha. what's next i wonder.

another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

this is the first time ever in school that i'm taking a module i totally have no sound basic knowledge in and i foresee a momentous struggle to ensue in the coming weeks. it's called real estate finance.

not many people talked in the first tutorial session, and halfway through the class i remarked to jerome that "either these people totally know their stuffs so well that they don't have to question the tutor, or they are completely clueless like i am". by the end of the class i'm pretty sure it's the former. i'm not a defeatist in this sense really - to drop this module at a point where i haven't really put in much effort to determine if i can actually make something out of this would be premature. though i must do something about this, if not there is a chance i will score very lowly at the end.

for this module though i've been scanning a bit through online articles on HDB flat prices. i didn't know it's quite a hot issue now, with the high prices of resale flats especially dominating the headlines. the resurgent economy has led to a spillover effect to the property market sector, both the private and the public it seems. unsurprisingly the fact that the exorbitant prices of resale flats in the current climate, coupled with oversubscription (means supply lesser than demand) of the government's latest BTO projects, have led to disgruntlement and dissatisfaction among certain sections of the populace. it seems many are complaining about the lack of government help for low to middle income families, and young couples who cannot afford such prices. but this is juxtaposed against a select group of people who are willing to fork out up to 6-digit cash-over-valuation (COVs) premiums - thus one can use the colloquial term here 'spoil market' to describe this scenario.

personally this trend is disturbing - of course, like the economic boom and bust cycles, the property and real estate markets operate the same way too. but trends like this are a source of worry. inflation is surely set to soar. with increasing demand, influx of foreigners and new citizens, coupled with the fact that this city-state cannot continue to reclaim land forever - prices will surely rocket. i worry (maybe it's ahead of my time, i admit) that i might not be able to afford a matrimonial home by the time i am ready to get hitched. i think it's sad if i get married yet i only can manage to upkeep a matrimonial room that was once my own messy bedroom. living with the parents, honestly, is not an option i would like to consider once i get hitched. and buying a home is not the end - there is still the maintenance fees, the renovation costs, the loans to pay off etc. and we haven't even gotten started on the fact that married couples usually reproduce too. if one's finances have been spent on the home, then what is left for the kids?

some of my friends want to remain 16 or 18 forever. i would prefer staying at 21 or 23 as long as i can, i guess. but more importantly, i think many don't really want to grow up so soon and face real-world issues so fast. at least being a student at this age somewhat allows us to shirk responsibilities that grown-ups have to face, yet we are old enough not to be treated like a child. i want to grow older, but i want to grow older knowing that i can secure enough moolahs to guarantee a comfortable, stable and happy life. money talks. it certainly does, nowadays and especially in singapore.

on a less serious note the past few weeks i've seen weird stuffs and happenings all around, but i've forgotten many. last week i was walking on the pavement when i noticed this van - it was repeatedly honking intermittently for no apparent reason, even when it stopped at the junction. upon closer observation, i saw that the honk was spoilt. the driver was actually struggling to press the horn to actually prevent the honk from blaring, and at the same time try and manage the steering wheel and the gears to drive. what a bizarre situation.

on another occasion in the train there was this malay guy whom i noticed was dressed nicely, until i looked at his shoes. his shoes were black with red trimmings at the sides, but the shoes were in the shape of his feet - he could actually wriggle his toes individually (okay maybe for toes its independently, or whatever) while in those shoes. it's like those socks with separate rooms for each toe. haha pardon my poor description, but i think you get the idea. for all the uniqueness of his strange-looking shoes, it completely didn't match his attire i felt. oh well. i'm not much of a fashionista anyway haha.

a reason for all that i do - and the reason is you.

nightcycling

today's post will be random thoughts and reflections of the past week.

week 1 of school has been okay - although i'm abit annoyed because i cannot print all the readings and materials at one go since some of the reading lists only contain book titles and no chapters included. that would take time to trawl through all the books. and this time round i'm using more textbooks than i've ever needed in a single semester. plus the notes i'm due to print - looks like 200 bucks is going down the drain this semester alone to fulfill my educational needs. haha.

i've started school already, but not this particular friend of mine. i ran into him on friday and asked him where he's been and what modules he's taking this time round. you know, the usual catching-up questions. his reply caught me off-guard. he said he's taking a break off from school because he doesn't have the finances to support his schooling, so he needs to work to find the cash. apparently last semester's fees are still owed to the school, though he could still view his exam results. i think the school is trying to work out some plan for him to ensure that he can carry on with his studies.

after we parted ways i couldn't help but feel pitiful for him. i think it is extremely sad if one has to stop or take a break from school just because one doesn't have enough financial means. i feel even sadder actually, for many of us who have the means and the opportunity to study hard especially in university, yet we don't make full use of it. i think there are many who do not fully appreciate how fortunate they are by already having a place in university, yet they while away their days fooling around and not putting in effort in work and take things for granted. i think that's very sad. if not for being less well-off, i really believe there are many out there who, given the chance, would love to have a shot at studying in university and doing well. this encounter with my friend has suddenly given me a sort of a wake-up call - that i should work hard in my studies as an undergraduate in the absence of any sort of financial burden. i still have to push hard even if my cap will not budge that much - but i have to believe.

last friday i also paid a visit to the doctor in school for the third time in 3 weeks. the 1st two visits at the polyclinic was for the feet rash that i had (which is still persisting damn it!), but last friday i went to the doctor because my mucus contained blood now and then for the past week. so he checked whether my nasal area was painful etc, then he took a metal tweezer of sorts and pushed against the inside walls of my nostrils to get a better look. then he said i had an inflamed nose. well i don't know about him, but i know my nostrils are as hairy as they come. yet through that thick foliage of nostril hair he could determine what was the cause of the bleeding. though i must admit - it's quite shocking to see blood mixed in my mucus discharge. last week i was coughing for a few days and my phlegm was dark green, light green and black-red at times. scary as hell.

yesterday night was the muslim society nightcycling event. i rather enjoyed it very much. i was co-facilitator with izzati, and we were assigned to team apex. i think everyone had fun just cycling up and down slopes and having a good laugh at each other - like when we were trying to practice our jumpshots for the camera, or just laughing off each others' cranky comments or actions when each and everyone of us began to lose sanity. as usual the groin area ached because the bicycle seat was rock hard.

just a few moments ago i noticed a red a3 piece of vanguard under my computer table - a drawing of the eiffel tower. and at the top it wrote 'md yusri bin md supiyan, 5b'. haha. i can't believe it's still around. a drawing way back from 1997, when i was 11. this masterpiece, if i remember correctly, is the cover for my art and craft file then. i think it got torn off from the file itself, but this piece miraculously survived - it survived us shifting place from yishun to woodlands! goodness only knows how, and i don't know who placed it here. i think it's my mom. haha. anyway it was graded b. i simply cannot draw, but i know i remember where the inspiration to draw the eiffel tower came from. haha.

i've seen a few weird things this week already. you know what's the weirdest of the all? yesterday we cycled past kfc at bugis, and inside there was a topless chinese man (looked 40s or 50s to me) walking around inside kfc itself. yes inside. it was close to 3am. and i thought chickens only rise at sunrise to do that cockle doo-a-doo thing.

'cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet - and i can't even dance.

sick

school starts once again tomorrow and the cough and flu that has plagued me since friday persists.

at least the flu has cleared up but the mucus, like the river, always flows. discharge of phlegm is still noted with almost every cough, but at least the funny colours that appear in the phlegm have sort of disappeared. i'm thankful that i wasn't down with a fever - not really because that would totally rule me out of the silat barbecue last friday night. but more importantly, i'm pathetic when i'm down with a fever. my motor skills and movement slow down greatly, and all i can do effectively is lie down in bed all day. i don't know how some people can still carry on with their daily routines even with the fever raging - when i'm down with fever the whole world seems to pass in slow motion since i can't do things as fast as i normally do.

the good thing is that i think by tomorrow i should be fine - in time to start my 6th semester in school. the repetitive and routine nature of the school system is getting to me already. what's worse is that after blowing 1000 points on bidding since the last time round i blogged, the next day i blew another 1000 points or so for another module. that's a costly 2000 points just down the drain, wasted on modules that i should try and do well given the points wasted.

at least when school starts life suddenly becomes more meaningful and full of objectives - unlike aimless holidays spent doing mindless things like playing computer games and slacking around. okay well at least this past holidays i've read 2 books, which i think is a feat for me haha. even if school is starting, it's still much better than working. studying is definitely better than working (if you discount the money factor) - i hate working. work involves even more routines, deadlines, office politics, lesser freedom, and a tightly scheduled and boxed-up environment is surely unhealthy for personal development. but can one study all his life? well, if i was paid to do just that i'll do it.

anyway this coming semester i start at 10 every schooling day. that's kinda sucky, but it beats starting work at 8 or 830am and having to brave the morning traffic jams or the rush hour crowds every single working day.

i shall probably waste the final hours of total freedom washing shoes, reading the newspaper and playing games later on. what a lazy sunday this has been.

that may be all i need, in darkness she is all i see.

holmes

i caught sherlock holmes at the movies just now.

i'm a sherlock holmes geek of sorts - i have an omnibus of the original sherlock holmes stories (19th century english, mind you) and other few books of him by arthur conan doyle. i'm quite a big fan. if you read holmes a lot then you would know how holmes is like as a person and how he goes about his detective work.

i knew the movie was going to present holmes in a different sort of way - but i think mostly it was aesthetically-related. holmes certainly didn't really dress like robert downey junior did - at least that's what i come to believe. haha. but i could connect well with what i've read of holmes and what i saw in the movie - it was typical holmes going about his work. although in the movie holmes was abit too involved in action sometimes - in the books he preferred sitting in his room and just thinking through all the facts- hardly any action sometimes.

but what i found more disappointing was the plot-it was based on the ideas of sorcery and black magic. because i knew holmes was too practical to believe in such things, so i was disappointed that the case he was working on was about sorcery and black magic. although in the end he proved that it was all a bluff and pure logic and a mastery of science was behind all the mumbo-jumbo sorcery. many people said that it was a great movie - personally i didn't like the plot entangling sorcery mumbo-jumbo with what in the end turned out to be pure logic and rational reasoning. but overall still a good movie - the acting was good i thought.

that was the first movie of the year for me. and the first since last june i think, when i watched the hangover - the funniest movie i've ever watched. haha. sadly next week school's a-starting. time flew past real fast! the holidays have been spent playing computer games, finishing 2 books, going out to do things like roller-blading and kite-flying, going for training and also to batam, visiting the museums, and of course shopping. but it is never enough is it?

on another note i cannot believe i spent 1040 points for 3 of my major modules. damn it.

just to be with you is having the best day of my life.

2010

well i'm going to blog about my own 2009 as a personal recap. it's nearing midnight but it's not too late to look back on the year that has come and went right?

firstly i must warn readers that the post might be very long and controversial. of course everyone is entitled to their own viewpoints and opinions, and no one is wrong or right. all i just want to blog about is my thoughts and opinions on what i've went through in my life from different perspectives.

okay here we go.

as a person

well, i don't think i've got much to say here. all i know there's room for much improvement - more thrifty, more measured in my words and thoughts, rein in my temper and anger more etc etc etc.

conclusion? simple - just work on becoming a much better yusri.

as a student

i think that i can be performing better, even if you can cynically remark that my cap is good. personally i think it can be better - but having said that, i think i have done the best given the circumstances i faced. in the 2nd semester of my 2nd academic year in school (january-may) i was silat captain and was bogged down by the workload related to it. in the recent semester i went through personal issues regarding my breakup (just for the record, even though i asked for the breakup it's not like i don't have feelings and hence i'm not affected by it). without sounding arrogant i would think that i've done admirably considering these circumstances, and of course relative to others. i think i did the best that i can in terms of my studies - and i want to do better. if anything i hope this spurs me on - i think i handle my studies best when i've got my back up against the wall.

conclusion - i can definitely do better than just focusing on maintaining my cap.

as silat captain

as a captain personally i was disappointed with the team's overall standing in ivp (8th), but i cannot fault anyone for the effort put in. especially the core group that eventually made it to ivp. i think it has been a wonderful experience. it's just plain sad that we started out with a large promising group of people who come regularly for training, and it ended up to be a false dawn. this is my personal opinion - sometimes i feel that it is wasted that people who are able-bodied and injury-free are mostly the ones who are weak-willed and do not want to commit, and yet those who have strong will and want to put in effort and commitment are the ones who are hampered by injuries (long-term at that). such a waste.

whatever their reasons for dropping out, i cannot fathom. but generally i term it as being weak-willed or they have no strong personal standpoint ( i cannot think of an english word that comes close to the malay equivalent, pendirian), and only follow their friends and let their decisions be swayed by their friend's standpoints and wants. personally i reject the excuse that one doesn't go for trainings anymore to concentrate on their studies. seriously - think about it for a moment. following such logic, given the amount of time freed up with the absence of training, i would expect these people to have much better grades and caps than i do. since they reason that studies is more important, naturally i would see time dedicated to studying properly in the hope of pulling their grades up. but present to me any of these people whose grades are better than mine - and i can assure you there are none who qualify. zilch. if i have lesser time to study then my grades should be poorer, yet it is not (and no i'm not that smart either). i can tell who really wants to pull their cap up and yet still want to come for training but can't, contra those who in the first place have lost interest and yet cover up by saying 'oh i need to focus on my studies etc etc'. pure crap. again i say - i am not against anyone in particular, and this is an opinion on the collective, not aimed at any particular individual. for all you know i could be wrong, but not totally that's for sure.

being the team captain, i have learned many valuable life lessons. chief among those is that i cannot expect others to do what i expect of myself to do, just because i can do it. i think i expect people to do what i can just because it is possible - but that doesn't actually mean people will go about doing it. it was naive of me to think that way, but i've learnt from that experience. i've also learnt that when people find it convenient to be associated with me or with the team they try to act like they are involved and be 'part of the team', but when they don't find it in their interests anymore then you don't see them. such is human nature.

but overall i've found my role as team captain an enriching experience. the need to look after your members, the need to liaise with external parties, being involved in the thick of the action when politicking sets in, participating in ivp - things that someone in the position of captain can only experience. i think it has made me a better person and maybe a leader, but i don't think i'll change my leadership style if i'm placed again in a leadership position. as i always say, many things i could have performed better, but i think i tried my hardest most times.

conclusion? results-wise a disappointment, but an otherwise enriching and meaningful experience.

from the religious perspective

i have realised that some of my once-held views and practices have been erroneous, and i have worked/am working to rectify them. all i know is that i'm trying to take my time while praying, because in most cases there's really no rush in performing prayers. i'm trying to recite more frequently doa after the completion of prayers. i'm satisfied that during ramadhan i didn't miss any prayers (i miss prayers once in a while but i try very hard not to make it a habit), although the quality of my fast is suspect. my quran recital is still too fast, but somehow i find it tough to slow down. well i've achieved certain aims like knowing how to read and memorise this or that doa, but i need to start reading the quran interpretations and translations soon enough. at this age sometimes i'm ashamed that my knowledge and faith is still shallow, yet sometimes i don't bother to do anything about it.

conclusion? in terms of religion, there's no other way about it - you must always better yourself. must do better next time really. a whole lot of space for improvement.

personal matters (matters of the heart)

in case the reader is still in the dark - i broke up last august. i asked for the breakup, for reasons that are complicated. if i explain in detail it isn't nice to either party, and anyway my views will be biased towards myself. i shall just say that simply put, i don't think we are compatible, and i so-called did not 'feel' it anymore. it's a very guy thing to say, but well, i simply 'lost it'.

critique me all you want - all i can say is that i prayed and prayed to ask for guidance in those times of confusion and despair and i believe that He has given me the certainty to make a proper decision at that point in time. the means to achieving this end might be questionable, but the intent is clear - i did not see the point in dragging the matter for so long when i obviously did not feel for her anymore. of course she was devastated (like i said early on, it's preposterous to suggest i'm not affected by the fact that i potentially destroyed all her hopes and dreams).

but tell me - what else is there left to do? i'm fatalistic - hence i believe in destiny. i know it's very naive and probably too rational, but think about it - if things are not meant to be, why force it? i'm not saying that my breakup is the best thing that ever happened to me since it leads to my personal liberation, but really, sometimes things are just not meant to work themselves out. some people have to fall in and out of love with 10 people maybe before the finally find the one. some get it right the first time round, others after a few attempts. my point is this - at the end of the day, i believe He has destined for us only goodness. sometimes we humans fail to see that out of adversity and hardship arises learning points and things that will eventually lead to our happiness. if we believe in Him, we surely must have faith in what He has destined for us, even current hardship, despair or grief. because surely we cannot be at the bottom forever - the only way is up. if things don't work out, then maybe He has reserved for us someone better, more suitable out there for us to discover - and the temporary setback is but part of a self-discovery journey that many people have faced in order for us to be better people.

of course this does not mean that i'm so fatalistic - in my point of view i did try to salvage the relationship, but i could not fake the fact that my feelings were disappearing at an increasing rate as the days passed by. why? i cannot give proper, concrete answers. but i pray that she will find happiness and tranquility soon enough, and may she meet someone who can care for her and love her more than i have. maybe i have been a bad other half - that is not for anyone else to decide, but i harbour no bad intentions. it is no joke crushing someone's heart. i wish things never developed this way. maybe i wasn't mature enough myself. only He knows.

the breakup was ugly, the fallout was terrible, and i was affected of course. but what was i to do? i had to bear the guilt of it all, since i asked for the breakup, and yet at the same time try continue my life as per normal. if you think she's the only one who had it tough, that is simplistic and immature thinking. i tried to manage things the best that i could - in the process of course i ruffled a few feathers here and there. as i've said many times - i did the best that i could at that point in time, even if my decisions and words were questionable and controversial. but i just hope what whatever it is, my decision will prove to be the right one. i think it is and i hope she will finally accept that this is what was meant to be.

on another note, i'm still single. but yes - i have found someone new.

conclusion? must do much much better next time round. i pray and pray this time i've gotten it right.

We were strangers, starting out on a journey
Never dreaming, what we'd have to go through
Now here we are, I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me, I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

And life is a road and I wanna keep goin'
Love is a river I wanna keep flowin'
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers, on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming, how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

And life is a road and I wanna keep goin'
Love is a river I wanna keep flowin'
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning with you

In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning
With you...

here's to a great and happy 2010 to myself and all of you out there!

shopping

the past 2 weeks especially, has been dominated by shopping. i'm really turning into a woman.

in that short period i've bought jeans, shirts, t-shirts and bags. it's not a complete overhaul of my wardrobe - but these purchases do give me more options in my dressing. of course i admit i don't dress well, with the fashion faux pas an intricate part of my life occasionally. but yes i admit shopping is fun - more fun sometimes done alone, and done when you really have the moolahs. i act as if i do - but in actuality i don't. haha. oh well, it's something that keeps me sane.

the past week has been spent mostly going out - weddings, kkk, botanical gardens, the national museum, jb - with shopping intertwined neatly in between all those. haha. as usual when it comes to weddings, they make me feel old - since those getting hitched are mostly acquaintances and friends who are only a few years older than me. and malay weddings are getting more and more outrageous, believe me. the other day i was lamenting the fact that the bride was wearing something that completely looked like the normal see-through kebaya that hawt minahs wear during hari raya. and the mak andam (i don't know the translation for that in english) was carrying around a huge-ass make-up kit/box/chest of some sort.

last sunday i went to my ns colleague ismail's wedding with fadzry. we came just in time to see the bride and groom arrive, accompanied by the kompang, and kuda kepang dancers - and a group of masked men wielding toy guns (one was wearing a cowboy hat) and trying to move along to the beat like the kuda kepang dancers. what the hell? i didn't get the whole point of it all - if it's cultural fusion, like what fad said, well please tell me the purpose it serves. haha fad says he doesn't karaoke at his wedding but in its place a live jazz band. i don't want karaoke either, but i want hip hop r&b tracks being spinned all day (the more palatable ones of course) - but i would imagine it would be tough to convince my parents on that point.

oh well. next up is what i think would be quite a long post - a self-reflection post of sorts since its the end of the year. i think i do that every year on my blog - i think so. haha.

it's crystal clear that now i'm in a whole new world with you.

back from batam

hello i just got back from batam yesterday evening.

the first time i went to indonesia was 15 years ago in 1994, to tanjung pinang - then i was a geeky and naive 8-year old boy who followed his aunts, uncles and cousins on holiday there. my family didn't go, so only i had to make the red passport which was more expensive then the blue ones we all had. 15 years on i make a return to indonesia. but this time round to batam instead, as a 23-year old undergraduate (probably still geeky and naive) tagging along with my other family - the nus silat team. not only for a holiday, but also a silat friendly with the locals. i might probably never venture out to indonesia again - but at least my batam trip has been memorable.

the 4 days zoomed past just like that but overall it was an enjoyable experience. it's been a while since i got out of hectic singapore for more then a day. in all honesty it turned out to be more of a holiday. we didn't train that much and the friendly only at most took up half the day. and i did my fair share of shopping - 2 t-shirts, a shirt and a ripoff davidoff perfume - and of course lots of food along the way.

in those short 4 days i racked my brains a lot trying to handle the neverending zeroes that come with handling note after note of rupiahs in my hand. it wasn't that bad actually, although my wallet did become ridiculously fat with all those small notes that piled up inside. the hotel was great too - simply superb. the tv had a lot of channels and me being the sua ku (mountain tortoise i think it means) who doesn't have cable at home, i watched my 1st live epl match in eons (fulham - man u) and didn't know that movies on hbo had no commercial breaks. i watched a full movie without knowing what was the title till breakfast the next morning (wanted, featruing morgan freeman and angelina jolie). haha. caught 10 minutes of the da vinci code on the last day too - seems like an interesting read. the breakfast spread was marvellous too - if not for training slots in the morning after breakfast i would have gorged down a lot for breakfast.

shopping was okay - the sad thing was many shops had nice designs and t-shirts but on top of that they had words on them that never made sense, or was really unnecessary. some had broken english on them - so i had a tough time finding decent t-shirts really. in terms of prices most items are really cheap compared to singapore. even food is mostly cheap - for the same price you simply cannot eat the same amount in batam and in singapore. the seafood dinner was great too - i ate gonggong (seashells is it?haha i'm not sure of the english equivalent) for the 1st time! don't mind me, i'm extremely picky when it comes to food.

even though batam lies only at most 30km south of singapore it's a different world altogether. the weather is less humid definitely (for someone who perspires easily it took me longer to sweat there even though it was almighty hot at times). batam reminds me a little of johor, but it seems a tad more systematic and orderly to me. but it doesn't look as shoddy or backward as i thought it would be. batam is only a mere island out of the approximately 13000 islands that make up indonesia, and given the enormous size of the whole country i think batam doesn't look that neglected really. maybe it's because of the singaporean dollars that come in to the island, but still the whole place looks decent. most of the people though have tanned skinned - typical of rural dwellers i think, where people spend their work and days away in the hot sun doing menial jobs. completely unlike singaporean malays who spend most of their time indoors in the comfort of air-con stuffing themselves silly with food like as if tomorrow was doomsday.

the friendly was okay i suppose. obviously i lost - given how good my opponent was and i mean seriously, these people literally grew up with silat. i only started over 2 years ago and at this age i can only go so far. my opponent was humble though and did teach me something after our fight. actually the friendly was supposed to be on saturday but it poured so heavily that the mat was wet and there was no ready cover for the juries, spectators and competitors alike (yes, it was held outdoors without any consideration for wet-weather plans). so the friendly ended up being postponed to sunday morning in a run-down sports hall which still attracted quite a crowd. but the crowd was great really - never partisan against us. it was nice to see the locals trying their best to help ronnie with his injured shoulder. people with simple lives and seek meaning and happiness in the simplest of things - completely in contrast with singapore, even though the distance isn't that far. but overall it was a great experience for all of us - something for me to remember my whole life really.

i want to see more of the world. i've only been to malaysia, indonesia, taiwan, saudi arabia, jordan, israel and palestine. hopefully someday i'll return to the al-aqsa mosque and stand again at the top of the mount of olives. someday i'll watch a match at the emirates stadium. someday i'll pay a visit to the lenin mausoleum. someday i'll explore the castles of andalucia.

someday we'll know if love can move a mountain.

batam

tomorrow i'm off to batam. with the silat team for a friendly with pesilats there and a chance to rest and relax at the same time.

i'm not really looking to going batam, but i admit it is a chance to 'run' away from singapore for a while. from certain people possibly, from certain issues, certain problems, certain facets of reality that i could really do without. not that when i come back there's really much to look forward to anyway - next tuesday is results day. damn it.

well i suppose that's all. i haven't got much to talk about. oh - shoutout to all you pool fans - get a reality check soon please? i realise pool fans are really the most self-delusional most oblivious fans you can ever come across. at least i know arsenal do have lousy players and do suck sometimes and i acknowledge it, and so do my fellow arsenal supporters. but i think pool fans never want to believe that their team sucks. you know the team sucks when the team captain says their champions league campaign wasn't good enough - for goodness sake it was TERRIBLE. haha. not to incite anger or anything, but seriously - everyone related to pool needs a reality wake-up call real soon.

you have become my addiction.

old

it's december already. and when january comes along, then it's another long and anticipated wait once again for september, the month when i grow a year older. this year i'm 23, then next year i'll be 24. then when i graduate i'll be almost 25. basically around the time people start to talk about more serious and worldly stuffs like marriages, buying a flat, careers, cars, travelling etc.

it makes me shudder sometimes to think of such things. i'm still a youthful 23, yet conversations among friends have always revolved around these adult issues. it is not talking about it that is scary, it's the technicalities involved that makes it scary (like newly weds should buy cheaper flats so that they shouldn't burden themselves with unnecessary debts, or what age to get married at, or whether is it worth to get a 1st or 2nd hand car etc). we talked about such things when i met up with my jc friends days ago. haha. and facebook is giving me endless reminders through photos after photos of weddings or engagements or photos of their newborns.

when you're 21 and your peers are 21 too during that year alone almost everyone will have some sort of a big 21st birthday bash to mark that so-called important chapter in his/her life. once you're past that age then welcome to the adult world i guess. now i'm only 23 and the rate at which i'm going to my friend's weddings is picking up as the years pass by. of course 23 is considered a bit late for malays to get hitched i guess, but let's not get carried away with that point. haha.

today i went to a relative's wedding in a long while - and the bride is only 24 i think. and poor me is only into his first year of his own stalinist-style 10 year plan to get married. haha. i mostly only worry about not having enough moolahs to ensure that settling down in the future will not leave me saddled with huge debts. i know well enough love cannot conquer all, and definitely not financial problems.

just now i was going through my notes and clearing some old stuffs and inevitably i will always have to dig up some old artifacts from my glorious glorious past. like my pink sec 2 music file. and a folder full of musical scores. and old hari raya and birthday cards, letters and small gifts and trinkets and what not. looking through all these stuffs does remind me how far i have come and how old i have grown, especially in the past 10 years.

10 years ago, i was still in secondary school, wearing those tight and hot white shorts with socks like thierry henry's socks almost up to the knees. 10 years on i've made it to university, more than halfway through my course in school.

what about 10 years on, when i'll be 33?

a) happily hitched already with 2 kids (at least)?
b) only getting ready to get married the coming year?
c) still bogged down with financial issues and having to delay marriage till probably 40?
d) decided that marriage isn't worth the hassle and thinking that serving the parents would reap much more dividends?
e) actually d isn't accurate - rather thinking that singlehood is more worth living?

options a to d assumes that i have actually found THE one, or at least by around my mid-20s or early 30s i'm ready to settle down with THE one. haha. scary stuffs man. i wonder how people just a few years older than me face up to all these issues.

together we will move the clouds to brighter days.

peranakan

okay zul here's the update you wanted.

so my last exam paper wasn't as bad as i predicted. although some of them were already preparing for their deaths (i was supposed to drive the hearse) but it didn't turn out to be the rwandan genocide sort of massacre i predicted. then again my first paper was really really bad, and the rest was average i guess. i'm lucky if my cap doesn't shift at all, for i am predicting it will drop this semester. and don't you guys start with that 'but your cap so high already' thing. i'm sorry, but it isn't that high, and i do have personal aims to meet. pardon me for that.

one good news is that my new urban male project was rated excellent by our professor. a real surprise for all of us. apparently good enough for her to ask permission from us if she could use it as a sample presentation for the next time round she teaches the same class. right. and the first slide of that powerpoint has a photo of me wearing that sissy brazil green/yellow num singlet with an equally gay pose to boot. oh well. same thing with my jc compulsory project work thing - our teacher used our files and work as a sample to teach the year1s how to go about doing pw. great stuff.

'students caught cheating in the examinations will be subject to disciplinary action which may lead to your explosion from the university'. my professor from the prc said that as the head invigilator. but he's nice really, i like him. though it was really funny to say that before my exam started.

on another note i'm really thankful the holidays are here. it has been a very trying semester. very trying. mentally and physically draining. a lot of issues to settle here and there. well, if anything i hope i grow to be a more mature and better person from it all. i have surely learnt a lot of lessons in life in the past few months. but i shall not dwell on it. as urged by friends i need to f**k it and carry on. and i shall do exactly that.

she f**king hates me, trust, she f**king hates me.

yesterday evening i went for dinner with some of my jc classmates. it's amazing that even though we left jc 5 years ago we still meet up often (probably the 3rd or 4th time this year alone already). which i think is not too bad. though some of us feel it's not enough. haha. the point is we still meet up. and it's nice to hear stories from one another. but it's no more really about homework or stupid crush stuffs like in jc - now it's more about careers, finding the one, marriage, finances, travelling. i cannot help but feel that i've grown up too soon. shit next year turning 24 already.

today, even though i spent the day walking around aimlessly (my thighs and calves were greatly strained) i had fun and it was meaningful. tomorrow shall probably be another fun day, then maybe i shall waste the weekend away playing fm and cleaning up my room, if i can drag my lazy ass to do so.

do you know you're unlike any other? you'll always be my thunder.

fly

yesterday i lost my mp3 player - but i knew how it went missing. i think i must have unknowingly not put it back properly in my bag and it slipped out on the bus on the way to school. i didn't feel that sad though - i never had any sort of fondness for my current mp3 player. you know when you have things that you didn't really want or like but you have it, you are not really excited in possessing it. well i need an mp3 player really to accompany me while i'm on the go and especially when i'm studying, but i'm not really particularly fond of the one i lost (my original one got replaced with this after they deemed it beyond repair, so it was a one-for-one but not like-for-like exchange).

in any case on the egging of my friends an online report was lodged, and yes no one stole my mp3 player, so this morning i got it back from the lost and found at clementi interchange. i was already planning to buy a new mp3 player already upon the discovery of my loss, but well, maybe i shouldn't be so reckless with my moolahs. in any case i still appreciate the fact that it has been a worthwhile servant to me the past 1 and a half year. i should really update the songs in my mp3 player. although my sister has uploaded some unheard of, probably new songs (with one from aliff aziz-for goodness sake, what the hell is it doing in there in the first place??).

just now when i was peeing a fly-sort of animal was zipping around in the toilet bowl. i didn't really aim my willy so that i could hit the fly with my urine stream but it crashed into the stream anyway. and the next thing i knew, after it banged and got drenched in my urine it just fell into the water in the bowl. if it wasn't drenched the first time now it was. and it died, just like that. i wonder - was it the impact of banging into my urine stream, or the toxicity that killed it?haha. in any case i just thought the whole thing was really funny.

this semester has not been the best for me. all of my term essays brought back Bs except for one, and generally i think i will score mediocre grades this time round. i hope not though. it will totally reverse my efforts at maintaining my cap. but this semester i've really been lazy and unmotivated. this is like my 5th semester, so maybe it's the fatigue? or is it because of the repetitive nature of the semesters that's killing me? either way i fizzle out very fast and can't seem to study like i use to in the past semesters. all i know i can't wait more than ever for these 2 weeks to faster pass. can you believe it, today is only the 1st day of exams but i've heard of one who has already finished exams! envious man.

this cannot go on. must. fight. demons.