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Monday, April 19, 2010,11:41 AM
in reponse to your note i shall reply here instead. since i have been deleted from your msn and facebook realms that there is no point in me using that medium to reply.
firstly i acknowledge i have been insensitive and immature myself in handling issues. but i just want to make it clear - i might never understand your pain, i know you are going through a lot, but if you think i'm not going through pain then that's wrong. like i said before, do you think i take pride in breaking someone's heart? it is not a nice feeling - and i will carry this guilt around. since the start of last semester i have basically withdrawn into my shell - because i have been disillusioned with what people have been talking about, the accompanying murmurs, your antics etc. during that period all i have done was to shut my trap and not do anything much, and even that i have been criticised for.
tell me what you want me to do? you deleted me from your online realm, and it is a clear indication that you don't want me around. then later you ask me why i do not talk to you. then after that nothing much, then suddenly you come and talk to me again. and all this while i have remained quiet. frankly your behaviour has been erratic to say the least. has much changed? i would say no. even if you 'rehabilitate' my supposed 'loyalists' from my 'camp', i would say that the damage is irreversible. you have good friends, friends who look out for you and advise you on matters, so i would urge you to listen to them. they want the best for you, and so do i. my hand has been forced because i cannot take it that even after so long my friends are being given the cold shoulder (at least of when i blogged about this last month). i cannot take it that not much has changed since almost a year ago, even though i have really not done much to antagonise things. if anything they have been of pure coincidental in nature.
by blogging about this i have shown how ugly and cruel i can be, but it doesn't matter. i have generally kept quiet and just let out my frustrations on my blog, and then suddenly i'm blamed for raking up the past. i don't get it when you cannot try to history remain as such, and then it is me who is blamed for raking up the past. while i have kept quiet and kept to myself it has been ample time for you to sort yourself out, but even after all this while things remain like nothing has changed. what else do you expect me to do?
i have always remained like this - sitting back, not doing anything, letting you have all the space you want. and me? i just keep my own frustrations to myself, ranting it on my blog once in a while. what else do you demand of me? i'm really at a loss. you want us to be like how we were when we first became friends, yet it seems i don't exist to you. you say you are trying, but that has been the rhetoric since the beginning.
i am not begging you to add me back on msn or what, please, i have greater dignity than that. i just want you to walk the talk. and believe that destiny will bring you good things if you want to believe in it. on my part i have not done much (or anything, for that matter) because i don't want to make things potentially harder or more difficult for me, you and the people around us. i can carry on and disappear like i have been doing all this while, it's fine. for me whatever happens life carries one, and i believe that in the end you will find your path to happiness too. i just hope you will believe in that.
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