2010

well i'm going to blog about my own 2009 as a personal recap. it's nearing midnight but it's not too late to look back on the year that has come and went right?

firstly i must warn readers that the post might be very long and controversial. of course everyone is entitled to their own viewpoints and opinions, and no one is wrong or right. all i just want to blog about is my thoughts and opinions on what i've went through in my life from different perspectives.

okay here we go.

as a person

well, i don't think i've got much to say here. all i know there's room for much improvement - more thrifty, more measured in my words and thoughts, rein in my temper and anger more etc etc etc.

conclusion? simple - just work on becoming a much better yusri.

as a student

i think that i can be performing better, even if you can cynically remark that my cap is good. personally i think it can be better - but having said that, i think i have done the best given the circumstances i faced. in the 2nd semester of my 2nd academic year in school (january-may) i was silat captain and was bogged down by the workload related to it. in the recent semester i went through personal issues regarding my breakup (just for the record, even though i asked for the breakup it's not like i don't have feelings and hence i'm not affected by it). without sounding arrogant i would think that i've done admirably considering these circumstances, and of course relative to others. i think i did the best that i can in terms of my studies - and i want to do better. if anything i hope this spurs me on - i think i handle my studies best when i've got my back up against the wall.

conclusion - i can definitely do better than just focusing on maintaining my cap.

as silat captain

as a captain personally i was disappointed with the team's overall standing in ivp (8th), but i cannot fault anyone for the effort put in. especially the core group that eventually made it to ivp. i think it has been a wonderful experience. it's just plain sad that we started out with a large promising group of people who come regularly for training, and it ended up to be a false dawn. this is my personal opinion - sometimes i feel that it is wasted that people who are able-bodied and injury-free are mostly the ones who are weak-willed and do not want to commit, and yet those who have strong will and want to put in effort and commitment are the ones who are hampered by injuries (long-term at that). such a waste.

whatever their reasons for dropping out, i cannot fathom. but generally i term it as being weak-willed or they have no strong personal standpoint ( i cannot think of an english word that comes close to the malay equivalent, pendirian), and only follow their friends and let their decisions be swayed by their friend's standpoints and wants. personally i reject the excuse that one doesn't go for trainings anymore to concentrate on their studies. seriously - think about it for a moment. following such logic, given the amount of time freed up with the absence of training, i would expect these people to have much better grades and caps than i do. since they reason that studies is more important, naturally i would see time dedicated to studying properly in the hope of pulling their grades up. but present to me any of these people whose grades are better than mine - and i can assure you there are none who qualify. zilch. if i have lesser time to study then my grades should be poorer, yet it is not (and no i'm not that smart either). i can tell who really wants to pull their cap up and yet still want to come for training but can't, contra those who in the first place have lost interest and yet cover up by saying 'oh i need to focus on my studies etc etc'. pure crap. again i say - i am not against anyone in particular, and this is an opinion on the collective, not aimed at any particular individual. for all you know i could be wrong, but not totally that's for sure.

being the team captain, i have learned many valuable life lessons. chief among those is that i cannot expect others to do what i expect of myself to do, just because i can do it. i think i expect people to do what i can just because it is possible - but that doesn't actually mean people will go about doing it. it was naive of me to think that way, but i've learnt from that experience. i've also learnt that when people find it convenient to be associated with me or with the team they try to act like they are involved and be 'part of the team', but when they don't find it in their interests anymore then you don't see them. such is human nature.

but overall i've found my role as team captain an enriching experience. the need to look after your members, the need to liaise with external parties, being involved in the thick of the action when politicking sets in, participating in ivp - things that someone in the position of captain can only experience. i think it has made me a better person and maybe a leader, but i don't think i'll change my leadership style if i'm placed again in a leadership position. as i always say, many things i could have performed better, but i think i tried my hardest most times.

conclusion? results-wise a disappointment, but an otherwise enriching and meaningful experience.

from the religious perspective

i have realised that some of my once-held views and practices have been erroneous, and i have worked/am working to rectify them. all i know is that i'm trying to take my time while praying, because in most cases there's really no rush in performing prayers. i'm trying to recite more frequently doa after the completion of prayers. i'm satisfied that during ramadhan i didn't miss any prayers (i miss prayers once in a while but i try very hard not to make it a habit), although the quality of my fast is suspect. my quran recital is still too fast, but somehow i find it tough to slow down. well i've achieved certain aims like knowing how to read and memorise this or that doa, but i need to start reading the quran interpretations and translations soon enough. at this age sometimes i'm ashamed that my knowledge and faith is still shallow, yet sometimes i don't bother to do anything about it.

conclusion? in terms of religion, there's no other way about it - you must always better yourself. must do better next time really. a whole lot of space for improvement.

personal matters (matters of the heart)

in case the reader is still in the dark - i broke up last august. i asked for the breakup, for reasons that are complicated. if i explain in detail it isn't nice to either party, and anyway my views will be biased towards myself. i shall just say that simply put, i don't think we are compatible, and i so-called did not 'feel' it anymore. it's a very guy thing to say, but well, i simply 'lost it'.

critique me all you want - all i can say is that i prayed and prayed to ask for guidance in those times of confusion and despair and i believe that He has given me the certainty to make a proper decision at that point in time. the means to achieving this end might be questionable, but the intent is clear - i did not see the point in dragging the matter for so long when i obviously did not feel for her anymore. of course she was devastated (like i said early on, it's preposterous to suggest i'm not affected by the fact that i potentially destroyed all her hopes and dreams).

but tell me - what else is there left to do? i'm fatalistic - hence i believe in destiny. i know it's very naive and probably too rational, but think about it - if things are not meant to be, why force it? i'm not saying that my breakup is the best thing that ever happened to me since it leads to my personal liberation, but really, sometimes things are just not meant to work themselves out. some people have to fall in and out of love with 10 people maybe before the finally find the one. some get it right the first time round, others after a few attempts. my point is this - at the end of the day, i believe He has destined for us only goodness. sometimes we humans fail to see that out of adversity and hardship arises learning points and things that will eventually lead to our happiness. if we believe in Him, we surely must have faith in what He has destined for us, even current hardship, despair or grief. because surely we cannot be at the bottom forever - the only way is up. if things don't work out, then maybe He has reserved for us someone better, more suitable out there for us to discover - and the temporary setback is but part of a self-discovery journey that many people have faced in order for us to be better people.

of course this does not mean that i'm so fatalistic - in my point of view i did try to salvage the relationship, but i could not fake the fact that my feelings were disappearing at an increasing rate as the days passed by. why? i cannot give proper, concrete answers. but i pray that she will find happiness and tranquility soon enough, and may she meet someone who can care for her and love her more than i have. maybe i have been a bad other half - that is not for anyone else to decide, but i harbour no bad intentions. it is no joke crushing someone's heart. i wish things never developed this way. maybe i wasn't mature enough myself. only He knows.

the breakup was ugly, the fallout was terrible, and i was affected of course. but what was i to do? i had to bear the guilt of it all, since i asked for the breakup, and yet at the same time try continue my life as per normal. if you think she's the only one who had it tough, that is simplistic and immature thinking. i tried to manage things the best that i could - in the process of course i ruffled a few feathers here and there. as i've said many times - i did the best that i could at that point in time, even if my decisions and words were questionable and controversial. but i just hope what whatever it is, my decision will prove to be the right one. i think it is and i hope she will finally accept that this is what was meant to be.

on another note, i'm still single. but yes - i have found someone new.

conclusion? must do much much better next time round. i pray and pray this time i've gotten it right.

We were strangers, starting out on a journey
Never dreaming, what we'd have to go through
Now here we are, I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me, I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

And life is a road and I wanna keep goin'
Love is a river I wanna keep flowin'
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers, on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming, how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

And life is a road and I wanna keep goin'
Love is a river I wanna keep flowin'
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning with you

In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning
With you...

here's to a great and happy 2010 to myself and all of you out there!