on another note i got rejected for the mfa internship. i don't know if i was not aggressive enough during my interview, or that there were really other better and able candidates on offer. on the bright side of things i actually got that moe internship (i just only got the email). i was offered the 5th choice (out of 5 choices actually). i applied to do my internship at several jcs, but i got the last choice - my former secondary school. haha. oh well, at least i will be able to see how the new building is like. been a good 8 years since i left secondary school.

the last silat friendly happened last sunday, and i didn't fight that well. i must buck up, but the one thing i'm happy is that i'm attempting to try new techniques to vary my style of play. there's still a lot of work to do, but i think its very important to vary my techniques. i'm a fairly slow player, so i gotta work on that too. on a side note it was depressing to see farah getting injured rather badly. to hear screams or teammates just crumbling to the ground in agony is heartbreaking. when i see such scenes suddenly i think of the horror on the faces of the arsenal players after the injuries to eduardo and ramsey. i think i sort of understand the psychological impact of witnessing such injuries - to the injured and to those who witness. it can be potentially damaging to the team morale seeing such horrific injuries. i feel sad for farah, and i hope she recovers quickly. go syasya! haha.

on another note i just want to comment on recent personal happenings which i find rather unsettling. i will ramble, so you readers have been warned. haha.

firstly i just want to comment that when i'm quoted i hope i'm quoted verbatim - or at least i hope my words are not distorted. when i make it clear that what i say is A, i really wish that i'm not quoted as saying B. this sort of thing gets me down very easily, because when people don't sieve emotions through the mind that's when irrationality sets in - causing people to think of things that actually isn't happening is happening, when in actual fact it's far from the truth. and this is linked to distortion of speeches that many people indulge in.

secondly i agree that i'm not perfect. it's right to blame me for anything that i have done wrong, because the actions result from me. but i think it is fair to say i feel my friends shouldn't be dragged in together and being treated as pariahs together along with me. in any case we are all not in our teens anymore - old enough to recognise that there are certain things, attitudes, emotions, and feelings that should be left behind back in the secondary school and jc days. obviously i'm not vouching for myself that i'm so matured even if i am that old. and i find no excuse even along gendered lines i feel that allow girls leeway on this and that, and guys for leeway on this and that matter.

thirdly, i've grown to realise that every occurrences have lessons for us to learn from. i have learnt many lessons, some wonderful and some painful, from what i have gone through - and they help shape my character and worldview. one thing is for sure - i am fatalistic to a fairly large extent, and i believe that God only has good things in store for people who strive to do something about their lives. while we work hard in our everyday endavours, i think many people forget that as muslims it is central to believe in the destiny that He has mapped out for us - whether we like or not. don't ask me if it is fair that God has destined certain people to be poor, rich, criminals, homosexuals, cancer-bearing etc etc, that is not what should be questioned. the point is this - it's not even about respecting God's destiny, but a muslim should accept destiny, and the belief that if i strive to work hard and be a good muslim i know things will turn out good for me. belief in destiny is central to islamic faith. if we don't want to accept destiny then i don't see how one can be a good person, much less a good muslim in life.

lastly i've said this time and time again - i really believe in the social work mantra, that people can help you but only you can help yourself.

generally speaking i don't like to antagonise people, and i don't want to make things awkward for myself and for the people around me. i think i don't know how else to handle certain delicate matters, as i feel i've exhausted all my options. and so have others. i think the ball has always been in the other court for a very long time. issues like these get me upset and upset my friends too, so i hope matters will be resolved. once that threshold has been breached - then all will fall into place.

with issues like this life becomes mundane and draggy, and there's really nothing much to look forward to. even ivp and the holidays don't look like they can give my mood a boost.