nightcycling

today's post will be random thoughts and reflections of the past week.

week 1 of school has been okay - although i'm abit annoyed because i cannot print all the readings and materials at one go since some of the reading lists only contain book titles and no chapters included. that would take time to trawl through all the books. and this time round i'm using more textbooks than i've ever needed in a single semester. plus the notes i'm due to print - looks like 200 bucks is going down the drain this semester alone to fulfill my educational needs. haha.

i've started school already, but not this particular friend of mine. i ran into him on friday and asked him where he's been and what modules he's taking this time round. you know, the usual catching-up questions. his reply caught me off-guard. he said he's taking a break off from school because he doesn't have the finances to support his schooling, so he needs to work to find the cash. apparently last semester's fees are still owed to the school, though he could still view his exam results. i think the school is trying to work out some plan for him to ensure that he can carry on with his studies.

after we parted ways i couldn't help but feel pitiful for him. i think it is extremely sad if one has to stop or take a break from school just because one doesn't have enough financial means. i feel even sadder actually, for many of us who have the means and the opportunity to study hard especially in university, yet we don't make full use of it. i think there are many who do not fully appreciate how fortunate they are by already having a place in university, yet they while away their days fooling around and not putting in effort in work and take things for granted. i think that's very sad. if not for being less well-off, i really believe there are many out there who, given the chance, would love to have a shot at studying in university and doing well. this encounter with my friend has suddenly given me a sort of a wake-up call - that i should work hard in my studies as an undergraduate in the absence of any sort of financial burden. i still have to push hard even if my cap will not budge that much - but i have to believe.

last friday i also paid a visit to the doctor in school for the third time in 3 weeks. the 1st two visits at the polyclinic was for the feet rash that i had (which is still persisting damn it!), but last friday i went to the doctor because my mucus contained blood now and then for the past week. so he checked whether my nasal area was painful etc, then he took a metal tweezer of sorts and pushed against the inside walls of my nostrils to get a better look. then he said i had an inflamed nose. well i don't know about him, but i know my nostrils are as hairy as they come. yet through that thick foliage of nostril hair he could determine what was the cause of the bleeding. though i must admit - it's quite shocking to see blood mixed in my mucus discharge. last week i was coughing for a few days and my phlegm was dark green, light green and black-red at times. scary as hell.

yesterday night was the muslim society nightcycling event. i rather enjoyed it very much. i was co-facilitator with izzati, and we were assigned to team apex. i think everyone had fun just cycling up and down slopes and having a good laugh at each other - like when we were trying to practice our jumpshots for the camera, or just laughing off each others' cranky comments or actions when each and everyone of us began to lose sanity. as usual the groin area ached because the bicycle seat was rock hard.

just a few moments ago i noticed a red a3 piece of vanguard under my computer table - a drawing of the eiffel tower. and at the top it wrote 'md yusri bin md supiyan, 5b'. haha. i can't believe it's still around. a drawing way back from 1997, when i was 11. this masterpiece, if i remember correctly, is the cover for my art and craft file then. i think it got torn off from the file itself, but this piece miraculously survived - it survived us shifting place from yishun to woodlands! goodness only knows how, and i don't know who placed it here. i think it's my mom. haha. anyway it was graded b. i simply cannot draw, but i know i remember where the inspiration to draw the eiffel tower came from. haha.

i've seen a few weird things this week already. you know what's the weirdest of the all? yesterday we cycled past kfc at bugis, and inside there was a topless chinese man (looked 40s or 50s to me) walking around inside kfc itself. yes inside. it was close to 3am. and i thought chickens only rise at sunrise to do that cockle doo-a-doo thing.

'cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet - and i can't even dance.

sick

school starts once again tomorrow and the cough and flu that has plagued me since friday persists.

at least the flu has cleared up but the mucus, like the river, always flows. discharge of phlegm is still noted with almost every cough, but at least the funny colours that appear in the phlegm have sort of disappeared. i'm thankful that i wasn't down with a fever - not really because that would totally rule me out of the silat barbecue last friday night. but more importantly, i'm pathetic when i'm down with a fever. my motor skills and movement slow down greatly, and all i can do effectively is lie down in bed all day. i don't know how some people can still carry on with their daily routines even with the fever raging - when i'm down with fever the whole world seems to pass in slow motion since i can't do things as fast as i normally do.

the good thing is that i think by tomorrow i should be fine - in time to start my 6th semester in school. the repetitive and routine nature of the school system is getting to me already. what's worse is that after blowing 1000 points on bidding since the last time round i blogged, the next day i blew another 1000 points or so for another module. that's a costly 2000 points just down the drain, wasted on modules that i should try and do well given the points wasted.

at least when school starts life suddenly becomes more meaningful and full of objectives - unlike aimless holidays spent doing mindless things like playing computer games and slacking around. okay well at least this past holidays i've read 2 books, which i think is a feat for me haha. even if school is starting, it's still much better than working. studying is definitely better than working (if you discount the money factor) - i hate working. work involves even more routines, deadlines, office politics, lesser freedom, and a tightly scheduled and boxed-up environment is surely unhealthy for personal development. but can one study all his life? well, if i was paid to do just that i'll do it.

anyway this coming semester i start at 10 every schooling day. that's kinda sucky, but it beats starting work at 8 or 830am and having to brave the morning traffic jams or the rush hour crowds every single working day.

i shall probably waste the final hours of total freedom washing shoes, reading the newspaper and playing games later on. what a lazy sunday this has been.

that may be all i need, in darkness she is all i see.

holmes

i caught sherlock holmes at the movies just now.

i'm a sherlock holmes geek of sorts - i have an omnibus of the original sherlock holmes stories (19th century english, mind you) and other few books of him by arthur conan doyle. i'm quite a big fan. if you read holmes a lot then you would know how holmes is like as a person and how he goes about his detective work.

i knew the movie was going to present holmes in a different sort of way - but i think mostly it was aesthetically-related. holmes certainly didn't really dress like robert downey junior did - at least that's what i come to believe. haha. but i could connect well with what i've read of holmes and what i saw in the movie - it was typical holmes going about his work. although in the movie holmes was abit too involved in action sometimes - in the books he preferred sitting in his room and just thinking through all the facts- hardly any action sometimes.

but what i found more disappointing was the plot-it was based on the ideas of sorcery and black magic. because i knew holmes was too practical to believe in such things, so i was disappointed that the case he was working on was about sorcery and black magic. although in the end he proved that it was all a bluff and pure logic and a mastery of science was behind all the mumbo-jumbo sorcery. many people said that it was a great movie - personally i didn't like the plot entangling sorcery mumbo-jumbo with what in the end turned out to be pure logic and rational reasoning. but overall still a good movie - the acting was good i thought.

that was the first movie of the year for me. and the first since last june i think, when i watched the hangover - the funniest movie i've ever watched. haha. sadly next week school's a-starting. time flew past real fast! the holidays have been spent playing computer games, finishing 2 books, going out to do things like roller-blading and kite-flying, going for training and also to batam, visiting the museums, and of course shopping. but it is never enough is it?

on another note i cannot believe i spent 1040 points for 3 of my major modules. damn it.

just to be with you is having the best day of my life.

2010

well i'm going to blog about my own 2009 as a personal recap. it's nearing midnight but it's not too late to look back on the year that has come and went right?

firstly i must warn readers that the post might be very long and controversial. of course everyone is entitled to their own viewpoints and opinions, and no one is wrong or right. all i just want to blog about is my thoughts and opinions on what i've went through in my life from different perspectives.

okay here we go.

as a person

well, i don't think i've got much to say here. all i know there's room for much improvement - more thrifty, more measured in my words and thoughts, rein in my temper and anger more etc etc etc.

conclusion? simple - just work on becoming a much better yusri.

as a student

i think that i can be performing better, even if you can cynically remark that my cap is good. personally i think it can be better - but having said that, i think i have done the best given the circumstances i faced. in the 2nd semester of my 2nd academic year in school (january-may) i was silat captain and was bogged down by the workload related to it. in the recent semester i went through personal issues regarding my breakup (just for the record, even though i asked for the breakup it's not like i don't have feelings and hence i'm not affected by it). without sounding arrogant i would think that i've done admirably considering these circumstances, and of course relative to others. i think i did the best that i can in terms of my studies - and i want to do better. if anything i hope this spurs me on - i think i handle my studies best when i've got my back up against the wall.

conclusion - i can definitely do better than just focusing on maintaining my cap.

as silat captain

as a captain personally i was disappointed with the team's overall standing in ivp (8th), but i cannot fault anyone for the effort put in. especially the core group that eventually made it to ivp. i think it has been a wonderful experience. it's just plain sad that we started out with a large promising group of people who come regularly for training, and it ended up to be a false dawn. this is my personal opinion - sometimes i feel that it is wasted that people who are able-bodied and injury-free are mostly the ones who are weak-willed and do not want to commit, and yet those who have strong will and want to put in effort and commitment are the ones who are hampered by injuries (long-term at that). such a waste.

whatever their reasons for dropping out, i cannot fathom. but generally i term it as being weak-willed or they have no strong personal standpoint ( i cannot think of an english word that comes close to the malay equivalent, pendirian), and only follow their friends and let their decisions be swayed by their friend's standpoints and wants. personally i reject the excuse that one doesn't go for trainings anymore to concentrate on their studies. seriously - think about it for a moment. following such logic, given the amount of time freed up with the absence of training, i would expect these people to have much better grades and caps than i do. since they reason that studies is more important, naturally i would see time dedicated to studying properly in the hope of pulling their grades up. but present to me any of these people whose grades are better than mine - and i can assure you there are none who qualify. zilch. if i have lesser time to study then my grades should be poorer, yet it is not (and no i'm not that smart either). i can tell who really wants to pull their cap up and yet still want to come for training but can't, contra those who in the first place have lost interest and yet cover up by saying 'oh i need to focus on my studies etc etc'. pure crap. again i say - i am not against anyone in particular, and this is an opinion on the collective, not aimed at any particular individual. for all you know i could be wrong, but not totally that's for sure.

being the team captain, i have learned many valuable life lessons. chief among those is that i cannot expect others to do what i expect of myself to do, just because i can do it. i think i expect people to do what i can just because it is possible - but that doesn't actually mean people will go about doing it. it was naive of me to think that way, but i've learnt from that experience. i've also learnt that when people find it convenient to be associated with me or with the team they try to act like they are involved and be 'part of the team', but when they don't find it in their interests anymore then you don't see them. such is human nature.

but overall i've found my role as team captain an enriching experience. the need to look after your members, the need to liaise with external parties, being involved in the thick of the action when politicking sets in, participating in ivp - things that someone in the position of captain can only experience. i think it has made me a better person and maybe a leader, but i don't think i'll change my leadership style if i'm placed again in a leadership position. as i always say, many things i could have performed better, but i think i tried my hardest most times.

conclusion? results-wise a disappointment, but an otherwise enriching and meaningful experience.

from the religious perspective

i have realised that some of my once-held views and practices have been erroneous, and i have worked/am working to rectify them. all i know is that i'm trying to take my time while praying, because in most cases there's really no rush in performing prayers. i'm trying to recite more frequently doa after the completion of prayers. i'm satisfied that during ramadhan i didn't miss any prayers (i miss prayers once in a while but i try very hard not to make it a habit), although the quality of my fast is suspect. my quran recital is still too fast, but somehow i find it tough to slow down. well i've achieved certain aims like knowing how to read and memorise this or that doa, but i need to start reading the quran interpretations and translations soon enough. at this age sometimes i'm ashamed that my knowledge and faith is still shallow, yet sometimes i don't bother to do anything about it.

conclusion? in terms of religion, there's no other way about it - you must always better yourself. must do better next time really. a whole lot of space for improvement.

personal matters (matters of the heart)

in case the reader is still in the dark - i broke up last august. i asked for the breakup, for reasons that are complicated. if i explain in detail it isn't nice to either party, and anyway my views will be biased towards myself. i shall just say that simply put, i don't think we are compatible, and i so-called did not 'feel' it anymore. it's a very guy thing to say, but well, i simply 'lost it'.

critique me all you want - all i can say is that i prayed and prayed to ask for guidance in those times of confusion and despair and i believe that He has given me the certainty to make a proper decision at that point in time. the means to achieving this end might be questionable, but the intent is clear - i did not see the point in dragging the matter for so long when i obviously did not feel for her anymore. of course she was devastated (like i said early on, it's preposterous to suggest i'm not affected by the fact that i potentially destroyed all her hopes and dreams).

but tell me - what else is there left to do? i'm fatalistic - hence i believe in destiny. i know it's very naive and probably too rational, but think about it - if things are not meant to be, why force it? i'm not saying that my breakup is the best thing that ever happened to me since it leads to my personal liberation, but really, sometimes things are just not meant to work themselves out. some people have to fall in and out of love with 10 people maybe before the finally find the one. some get it right the first time round, others after a few attempts. my point is this - at the end of the day, i believe He has destined for us only goodness. sometimes we humans fail to see that out of adversity and hardship arises learning points and things that will eventually lead to our happiness. if we believe in Him, we surely must have faith in what He has destined for us, even current hardship, despair or grief. because surely we cannot be at the bottom forever - the only way is up. if things don't work out, then maybe He has reserved for us someone better, more suitable out there for us to discover - and the temporary setback is but part of a self-discovery journey that many people have faced in order for us to be better people.

of course this does not mean that i'm so fatalistic - in my point of view i did try to salvage the relationship, but i could not fake the fact that my feelings were disappearing at an increasing rate as the days passed by. why? i cannot give proper, concrete answers. but i pray that she will find happiness and tranquility soon enough, and may she meet someone who can care for her and love her more than i have. maybe i have been a bad other half - that is not for anyone else to decide, but i harbour no bad intentions. it is no joke crushing someone's heart. i wish things never developed this way. maybe i wasn't mature enough myself. only He knows.

the breakup was ugly, the fallout was terrible, and i was affected of course. but what was i to do? i had to bear the guilt of it all, since i asked for the breakup, and yet at the same time try continue my life as per normal. if you think she's the only one who had it tough, that is simplistic and immature thinking. i tried to manage things the best that i could - in the process of course i ruffled a few feathers here and there. as i've said many times - i did the best that i could at that point in time, even if my decisions and words were questionable and controversial. but i just hope what whatever it is, my decision will prove to be the right one. i think it is and i hope she will finally accept that this is what was meant to be.

on another note, i'm still single. but yes - i have found someone new.

conclusion? must do much much better next time round. i pray and pray this time i've gotten it right.

We were strangers, starting out on a journey
Never dreaming, what we'd have to go through
Now here we are, I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me, I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

And life is a road and I wanna keep goin'
Love is a river I wanna keep flowin'
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers, on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming, how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

And life is a road and I wanna keep goin'
Love is a river I wanna keep flowin'
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning with you

In the end I want to be standing
At the beginning
With you...

here's to a great and happy 2010 to myself and all of you out there!

shopping

the past 2 weeks especially, has been dominated by shopping. i'm really turning into a woman.

in that short period i've bought jeans, shirts, t-shirts and bags. it's not a complete overhaul of my wardrobe - but these purchases do give me more options in my dressing. of course i admit i don't dress well, with the fashion faux pas an intricate part of my life occasionally. but yes i admit shopping is fun - more fun sometimes done alone, and done when you really have the moolahs. i act as if i do - but in actuality i don't. haha. oh well, it's something that keeps me sane.

the past week has been spent mostly going out - weddings, kkk, botanical gardens, the national museum, jb - with shopping intertwined neatly in between all those. haha. as usual when it comes to weddings, they make me feel old - since those getting hitched are mostly acquaintances and friends who are only a few years older than me. and malay weddings are getting more and more outrageous, believe me. the other day i was lamenting the fact that the bride was wearing something that completely looked like the normal see-through kebaya that hawt minahs wear during hari raya. and the mak andam (i don't know the translation for that in english) was carrying around a huge-ass make-up kit/box/chest of some sort.

last sunday i went to my ns colleague ismail's wedding with fadzry. we came just in time to see the bride and groom arrive, accompanied by the kompang, and kuda kepang dancers - and a group of masked men wielding toy guns (one was wearing a cowboy hat) and trying to move along to the beat like the kuda kepang dancers. what the hell? i didn't get the whole point of it all - if it's cultural fusion, like what fad said, well please tell me the purpose it serves. haha fad says he doesn't karaoke at his wedding but in its place a live jazz band. i don't want karaoke either, but i want hip hop r&b tracks being spinned all day (the more palatable ones of course) - but i would imagine it would be tough to convince my parents on that point.

oh well. next up is what i think would be quite a long post - a self-reflection post of sorts since its the end of the year. i think i do that every year on my blog - i think so. haha.

it's crystal clear that now i'm in a whole new world with you.

back from batam

hello i just got back from batam yesterday evening.

the first time i went to indonesia was 15 years ago in 1994, to tanjung pinang - then i was a geeky and naive 8-year old boy who followed his aunts, uncles and cousins on holiday there. my family didn't go, so only i had to make the red passport which was more expensive then the blue ones we all had. 15 years on i make a return to indonesia. but this time round to batam instead, as a 23-year old undergraduate (probably still geeky and naive) tagging along with my other family - the nus silat team. not only for a holiday, but also a silat friendly with the locals. i might probably never venture out to indonesia again - but at least my batam trip has been memorable.

the 4 days zoomed past just like that but overall it was an enjoyable experience. it's been a while since i got out of hectic singapore for more then a day. in all honesty it turned out to be more of a holiday. we didn't train that much and the friendly only at most took up half the day. and i did my fair share of shopping - 2 t-shirts, a shirt and a ripoff davidoff perfume - and of course lots of food along the way.

in those short 4 days i racked my brains a lot trying to handle the neverending zeroes that come with handling note after note of rupiahs in my hand. it wasn't that bad actually, although my wallet did become ridiculously fat with all those small notes that piled up inside. the hotel was great too - simply superb. the tv had a lot of channels and me being the sua ku (mountain tortoise i think it means) who doesn't have cable at home, i watched my 1st live epl match in eons (fulham - man u) and didn't know that movies on hbo had no commercial breaks. i watched a full movie without knowing what was the title till breakfast the next morning (wanted, featruing morgan freeman and angelina jolie). haha. caught 10 minutes of the da vinci code on the last day too - seems like an interesting read. the breakfast spread was marvellous too - if not for training slots in the morning after breakfast i would have gorged down a lot for breakfast.

shopping was okay - the sad thing was many shops had nice designs and t-shirts but on top of that they had words on them that never made sense, or was really unnecessary. some had broken english on them - so i had a tough time finding decent t-shirts really. in terms of prices most items are really cheap compared to singapore. even food is mostly cheap - for the same price you simply cannot eat the same amount in batam and in singapore. the seafood dinner was great too - i ate gonggong (seashells is it?haha i'm not sure of the english equivalent) for the 1st time! don't mind me, i'm extremely picky when it comes to food.

even though batam lies only at most 30km south of singapore it's a different world altogether. the weather is less humid definitely (for someone who perspires easily it took me longer to sweat there even though it was almighty hot at times). batam reminds me a little of johor, but it seems a tad more systematic and orderly to me. but it doesn't look as shoddy or backward as i thought it would be. batam is only a mere island out of the approximately 13000 islands that make up indonesia, and given the enormous size of the whole country i think batam doesn't look that neglected really. maybe it's because of the singaporean dollars that come in to the island, but still the whole place looks decent. most of the people though have tanned skinned - typical of rural dwellers i think, where people spend their work and days away in the hot sun doing menial jobs. completely unlike singaporean malays who spend most of their time indoors in the comfort of air-con stuffing themselves silly with food like as if tomorrow was doomsday.

the friendly was okay i suppose. obviously i lost - given how good my opponent was and i mean seriously, these people literally grew up with silat. i only started over 2 years ago and at this age i can only go so far. my opponent was humble though and did teach me something after our fight. actually the friendly was supposed to be on saturday but it poured so heavily that the mat was wet and there was no ready cover for the juries, spectators and competitors alike (yes, it was held outdoors without any consideration for wet-weather plans). so the friendly ended up being postponed to sunday morning in a run-down sports hall which still attracted quite a crowd. but the crowd was great really - never partisan against us. it was nice to see the locals trying their best to help ronnie with his injured shoulder. people with simple lives and seek meaning and happiness in the simplest of things - completely in contrast with singapore, even though the distance isn't that far. but overall it was a great experience for all of us - something for me to remember my whole life really.

i want to see more of the world. i've only been to malaysia, indonesia, taiwan, saudi arabia, jordan, israel and palestine. hopefully someday i'll return to the al-aqsa mosque and stand again at the top of the mount of olives. someday i'll watch a match at the emirates stadium. someday i'll pay a visit to the lenin mausoleum. someday i'll explore the castles of andalucia.

someday we'll know if love can move a mountain.

batam

tomorrow i'm off to batam. with the silat team for a friendly with pesilats there and a chance to rest and relax at the same time.

i'm not really looking to going batam, but i admit it is a chance to 'run' away from singapore for a while. from certain people possibly, from certain issues, certain problems, certain facets of reality that i could really do without. not that when i come back there's really much to look forward to anyway - next tuesday is results day. damn it.

well i suppose that's all. i haven't got much to talk about. oh - shoutout to all you pool fans - get a reality check soon please? i realise pool fans are really the most self-delusional most oblivious fans you can ever come across. at least i know arsenal do have lousy players and do suck sometimes and i acknowledge it, and so do my fellow arsenal supporters. but i think pool fans never want to believe that their team sucks. you know the team sucks when the team captain says their champions league campaign wasn't good enough - for goodness sake it was TERRIBLE. haha. not to incite anger or anything, but seriously - everyone related to pool needs a reality wake-up call real soon.

you have become my addiction.

old

it's december already. and when january comes along, then it's another long and anticipated wait once again for september, the month when i grow a year older. this year i'm 23, then next year i'll be 24. then when i graduate i'll be almost 25. basically around the time people start to talk about more serious and worldly stuffs like marriages, buying a flat, careers, cars, travelling etc.

it makes me shudder sometimes to think of such things. i'm still a youthful 23, yet conversations among friends have always revolved around these adult issues. it is not talking about it that is scary, it's the technicalities involved that makes it scary (like newly weds should buy cheaper flats so that they shouldn't burden themselves with unnecessary debts, or what age to get married at, or whether is it worth to get a 1st or 2nd hand car etc). we talked about such things when i met up with my jc friends days ago. haha. and facebook is giving me endless reminders through photos after photos of weddings or engagements or photos of their newborns.

when you're 21 and your peers are 21 too during that year alone almost everyone will have some sort of a big 21st birthday bash to mark that so-called important chapter in his/her life. once you're past that age then welcome to the adult world i guess. now i'm only 23 and the rate at which i'm going to my friend's weddings is picking up as the years pass by. of course 23 is considered a bit late for malays to get hitched i guess, but let's not get carried away with that point. haha.

today i went to a relative's wedding in a long while - and the bride is only 24 i think. and poor me is only into his first year of his own stalinist-style 10 year plan to get married. haha. i mostly only worry about not having enough moolahs to ensure that settling down in the future will not leave me saddled with huge debts. i know well enough love cannot conquer all, and definitely not financial problems.

just now i was going through my notes and clearing some old stuffs and inevitably i will always have to dig up some old artifacts from my glorious glorious past. like my pink sec 2 music file. and a folder full of musical scores. and old hari raya and birthday cards, letters and small gifts and trinkets and what not. looking through all these stuffs does remind me how far i have come and how old i have grown, especially in the past 10 years.

10 years ago, i was still in secondary school, wearing those tight and hot white shorts with socks like thierry henry's socks almost up to the knees. 10 years on i've made it to university, more than halfway through my course in school.

what about 10 years on, when i'll be 33?

a) happily hitched already with 2 kids (at least)?
b) only getting ready to get married the coming year?
c) still bogged down with financial issues and having to delay marriage till probably 40?
d) decided that marriage isn't worth the hassle and thinking that serving the parents would reap much more dividends?
e) actually d isn't accurate - rather thinking that singlehood is more worth living?

options a to d assumes that i have actually found THE one, or at least by around my mid-20s or early 30s i'm ready to settle down with THE one. haha. scary stuffs man. i wonder how people just a few years older than me face up to all these issues.

together we will move the clouds to brighter days.

peranakan

okay zul here's the update you wanted.

so my last exam paper wasn't as bad as i predicted. although some of them were already preparing for their deaths (i was supposed to drive the hearse) but it didn't turn out to be the rwandan genocide sort of massacre i predicted. then again my first paper was really really bad, and the rest was average i guess. i'm lucky if my cap doesn't shift at all, for i am predicting it will drop this semester. and don't you guys start with that 'but your cap so high already' thing. i'm sorry, but it isn't that high, and i do have personal aims to meet. pardon me for that.

one good news is that my new urban male project was rated excellent by our professor. a real surprise for all of us. apparently good enough for her to ask permission from us if she could use it as a sample presentation for the next time round she teaches the same class. right. and the first slide of that powerpoint has a photo of me wearing that sissy brazil green/yellow num singlet with an equally gay pose to boot. oh well. same thing with my jc compulsory project work thing - our teacher used our files and work as a sample to teach the year1s how to go about doing pw. great stuff.

'students caught cheating in the examinations will be subject to disciplinary action which may lead to your explosion from the university'. my professor from the prc said that as the head invigilator. but he's nice really, i like him. though it was really funny to say that before my exam started.

on another note i'm really thankful the holidays are here. it has been a very trying semester. very trying. mentally and physically draining. a lot of issues to settle here and there. well, if anything i hope i grow to be a more mature and better person from it all. i have surely learnt a lot of lessons in life in the past few months. but i shall not dwell on it. as urged by friends i need to f**k it and carry on. and i shall do exactly that.

she f**king hates me, trust, she f**king hates me.

yesterday evening i went for dinner with some of my jc classmates. it's amazing that even though we left jc 5 years ago we still meet up often (probably the 3rd or 4th time this year alone already). which i think is not too bad. though some of us feel it's not enough. haha. the point is we still meet up. and it's nice to hear stories from one another. but it's no more really about homework or stupid crush stuffs like in jc - now it's more about careers, finding the one, marriage, finances, travelling. i cannot help but feel that i've grown up too soon. shit next year turning 24 already.

today, even though i spent the day walking around aimlessly (my thighs and calves were greatly strained) i had fun and it was meaningful. tomorrow shall probably be another fun day, then maybe i shall waste the weekend away playing fm and cleaning up my room, if i can drag my lazy ass to do so.

do you know you're unlike any other? you'll always be my thunder.

fly

yesterday i lost my mp3 player - but i knew how it went missing. i think i must have unknowingly not put it back properly in my bag and it slipped out on the bus on the way to school. i didn't feel that sad though - i never had any sort of fondness for my current mp3 player. you know when you have things that you didn't really want or like but you have it, you are not really excited in possessing it. well i need an mp3 player really to accompany me while i'm on the go and especially when i'm studying, but i'm not really particularly fond of the one i lost (my original one got replaced with this after they deemed it beyond repair, so it was a one-for-one but not like-for-like exchange).

in any case on the egging of my friends an online report was lodged, and yes no one stole my mp3 player, so this morning i got it back from the lost and found at clementi interchange. i was already planning to buy a new mp3 player already upon the discovery of my loss, but well, maybe i shouldn't be so reckless with my moolahs. in any case i still appreciate the fact that it has been a worthwhile servant to me the past 1 and a half year. i should really update the songs in my mp3 player. although my sister has uploaded some unheard of, probably new songs (with one from aliff aziz-for goodness sake, what the hell is it doing in there in the first place??).

just now when i was peeing a fly-sort of animal was zipping around in the toilet bowl. i didn't really aim my willy so that i could hit the fly with my urine stream but it crashed into the stream anyway. and the next thing i knew, after it banged and got drenched in my urine it just fell into the water in the bowl. if it wasn't drenched the first time now it was. and it died, just like that. i wonder - was it the impact of banging into my urine stream, or the toxicity that killed it?haha. in any case i just thought the whole thing was really funny.

this semester has not been the best for me. all of my term essays brought back Bs except for one, and generally i think i will score mediocre grades this time round. i hope not though. it will totally reverse my efforts at maintaining my cap. but this semester i've really been lazy and unmotivated. this is like my 5th semester, so maybe it's the fatigue? or is it because of the repetitive nature of the semesters that's killing me? either way i fizzle out very fast and can't seem to study like i use to in the past semesters. all i know i can't wait more than ever for these 2 weeks to faster pass. can you believe it, today is only the 1st day of exams but i've heard of one who has already finished exams! envious man.

this cannot go on. must. fight. demons.

mims nizam

the past week has been topsy-turvy.

the project was finally done. so was the presentation. i stripped in class, but not barebodied - just into singlet and boardshorts. haha. it was a fun presentation, peppering it with sexual slangs and lingo. haha. but most importantly i'm done with that.

whatever misunderstandings that happened earlier this week - i think safely said its all been cleared up, i suppose. i hope you all understand my point of view - in all earnestness, i think it is a fair point of view. but no worries, i think at the end of the day it really is a small matter. my apologies for blowing things up - but i think its important that people got the message. seriously.

last sunday i went for my primary school gathering, at choa chu kang part. had seafood dinner, then we were deliberating where to head to next. after much discussions it was decided that we head to ben and jerry's at night safari! of all places on a sunday night, unplanned at that. then we watched this free show consisting of fire-playing tribal men etc - and the chance came! to enter night safari under the guise of darkness for free, because of shady connections. and there you go. and unplanned trip to night safari, a free trip at that. haha. we saw flying squirrels gliding through the air. fruit bats, leopards, zebras, hyenas, gharials - a whole host of animals! what an amazing night it was. i can't believe we actually entered night safari - a place that i really would never have dreamt going. haha. but still a pleasant surprise. a welcome escape from the hustle and bustle of the last week of school.

just now i had dinner with nizam and syamim. a very interesting and thought-provoking long conversations we had. and yes we agreed on certain things. haha. but fun nevertheless.

i need such things to keep up the momentum for me to study. this semester has been extremely slack for me. it's reflected in the grades that i've been getting in my term papers, and it is slightly worrisome. sigh. must push on nevertheless.

i think i'm more fatalistic then i thought i would be. do you believe in leaving it to fate, or do you believe in being aggressive to work for the things you want? i believe in both, but i think everyone is destined to fulfil something at some place in some point in their lives. but some people believe that destiny is in their hands, that they create their own luck and destinies. there always is this tension between both.

oh well. ad astra per aspera.

essay

finally, i'm done with my last term essay for this semester. errgh it seemed like i would never finish it. although i still have a group project presentation and report due, but at least i'm totally done with all my individual work. although revision (studying, rather) might probably have to start next week. that's quite late, but i still have a few loose ends to tie up.

the past and a half week has been great and not-so-great i suppose? last saturday, instead of getting a new pair of jeans, i bought 3 tops from topman. well don't worry, they've all been given thumbs up by amirah and syasya. so no fashion faux pas this time round. haha. i still want to get a pair of jeans, and that street soccer shoes and slippers for that gift-a-gift thingy. other than that the past week has been relatively smooth-sailing. if you ask of me still i'll tell u again that i've never been better. seriously.

yet not-so-great stuffs have also occurred in the past one-and-a-half week. events have played themselves out, of which i can only look and watch in disbelief. i wonder what else can happen in the coming weeks before the semester comes to and end. almost everyday i am greeted with surprising and shocking news that this and that has happened etc etc. i wonder why these things must happen, whether to me or to the people around me.

whatever that happens is fated to happen. as much as i can try to manage or control things sometimes they just don't go the way that i hoped it would. all i can do is dig deep, buckle down and get on with life. i think i have tried to do that admirably, although there is still room for improvement. seriously people can say whatever they want and do whatever they want. the most important thing is that my conscience is clear. we all want to live in a kantian democratic peace type of world, where peace-loving democratic states disengage from war against each other. we all want to live in harmony and peace, while having mutual trust in one another for the good of all. but that is just plain idealism. realism is probably true. that man is innately brutish, selfish, egoistic, and only care for themselves and their self-centred opinions.

perception is reality, or so they say. people think they know what they see and hear, yet the ultimate truth is that people are blind and deaf. they have eyes but they choose to see what they want to see, and choose to hear what they want to hear. they think of highly of their geniuses and smartness in interpreting for themselves what they see and hear. yet the ultimate truth - are we to judge what it is? only God knows what is the ultimate truth.

question: mengapa kita harus bersengketa?

answer: kerana fitnah dan salah sangka.

well said and sung.

happy

last week didn't start of so well but at least it ended pretty nicely. i thoroughly enjoyed the early dinner some of us had after training at barcelos at vivo city. i'm pretty sure all those present had a blast! it has been a very long time since i had dinner so fun and enjoyable as that.

i'm really dreaming weirdly nowadays. 2 nights ago i really had an epic of a dream. in a single night i dreamt:

1) i was a taxi driver who actually asked his passenger to leave the cab because it was faster to go by public to where he wanted to head to.

2) as the same taxi driver who saw an accident on the road was saw that some guy had his arm severed as a result, and i actually hurried to get an icebox full of ice and actually placed that severed arm in the box to save it. well done.

3) i dreamt i slept over (with my dad!) at some peranakan family's place. god knows why.

4) i dreamt that me and my friends were having friday prayers at a mosque full of indonesian muslims, and guess what? apparently it was conducted at asar, not at zuhur! (gasps!)

5) i dreamt that after the prayers me and my friends discussed whether to go to pulau tekong or pulau ubin for dinner, and discussed the timings of the boats that we wanted to catch.

this morning i dreamt that i shat (past tense of shit) in my pants on the way to school and was scurrying to the toilet to do something about it. i don't know what happened in the end 'cos eventually i had to get up anyway to go school. haha. i wonder what will happen if i did dream of the part 2 of this morning's dream tonight.

my theory is (i think it's really true) that the more tired and fatigued i get the more ridiculous and vivid the dreams in my sleep become. i can't imagine why i can actually recall what i dreamt from 2 days ago. the only reason is that i knew they were so vivid that i can't easily forget it, and i know i was in some sort of a deep sleep - hence i know i was so very tired therefore it really felt like it was real and that i wasn't dreaming.

on another note i've actually been able to meet my own personal deadlines and targets with regards to my essays. thank God for that. now i'm somewhat left with my last essay to do and another project. after that i have to get my head down and start studying properly for the exams. time really flies.

many times i've been asked if i'm okay so far. my reply is that i've never felt better. there you go.

promise

today started with so much of a promise yet it ended with a whimper.

that's what you get when you start on a high then you end on a low. it's really another one of those days.

by the time i was in class for my second lesson then i sort of lost it. i couldn't pay proper attention in class for the whole of the 2 hours. then i went to yih to have lunch just to realise that i'd left my water bottle in the previous class in arts. then i got reprimanded by the cleaner auntie there for wetting the whole floor accidentally when i was washing my feet during ablution.

then you know it gets worse when you go for your next class and your friend says 'hey i was cleaning up my closet the other day and i found this thing and the first thing i thought of was giving it to you!' then you realise it's a new urban male discount coupon (with 1-for-1 offer to buy men's underwear). okay well it's not so bad really, it should aid in my num project haha.

then it really sucks when it's at night and it's really humid and hot, and then when i boarded the train at jurong east this prc woman sat beside me who stank real bad (i swear it's the 1st time i've smelt a woman so bad). then when i've sat for at least 15minutes from jurong east past yew tee then i still felt hot and was starting to sweat again. then when i reach home beads of sweat were collecting on my forehead and then i realise maybe i was the one who was probably stinking up the train just now after all.

what a sucky day today was.

life

today i had a long chat with a friend.

after that i went back to reading up for my upcoming essays and unfortunately it was interspersed with fleeting thoughts of mine.

i realised our conversation, even though it talked about the present, required us (or rather me only i think) to take trips back into history and do some archaeological digging up. and for all of my normal, plain and boring life - it's amazing all that happened. or at least i think i stopped certain things from happening, if not i think i would have had a lot of cans of worms opened up. yikes.

i'm not that old, but old enough to have had my fair share of experiences dealing with all sorts of people - from my experiences in ns, in school, at work, in ccas, while going overseas etc. then i come to realise this world really has a alot of funny and weird and special people. individualism was celebrated during the renaissance of the 15th and 16th centuries in europe, as they upheld man as the supreme creation of God - as being so unique and special in itself. then when watson and crick broke the dna code, people came to realise that humans aren't that all special after all.

is it?

everyone is born one and the same - but our upbringing, our human interactions, our social conditions, our surroundings etc etc - they shape how every person turns out to be. our worldviews are biased, because they are a result of what we think, what we think we know and what we think we've been through. everyone can be similar yet completely different at the same time.

but i've come to realise this - that including myself, everyone at some point in time is a freaking hypocrite. the only difference is how great a hypocrite one is, and whether we realise it ourselves.

some people say they don't like hypocrites, yet we all indulge in some of that sometimes. some say we should practise what we preach - but can we really do that? what is hypocrisy? preaching A while practising B? what about preaching A last year but doing B instead this year? is that a change in understanding or opinion or simply plain hypocrisy?

from noting all this points with regards to my thoughts on hypocrisy,or rather life in general, i've come up with 2 points.

a) nothing happens in a vacuum - everything that happens is based on context or background. everything happens for a reason - it's only whether you know or you don't know why, or you can or you can't see why. the sad thing is people usually employ heuristics (something like mental shortcuts) to make sense of something that seems complex so that it's easier to interprete. like say if a guy dresses smartly in office wear and wears a tie and a blazer we would probably think he's some middle-level manager in an mnc. who's to say he's not the doorman that greets you every time you enter that louis vuitton boutique?

b) different interactions result in different outcomes. like when you put caesium into water the container will explode immediately, yet when you put salt into water it will just dissolve. my point is that even if we all have innate and inherent characteristics that will probably not change much, sometimes when we are in different environments and interacting with different people - the end product is always different. i've always wondered why i'm like this being around a certain group of people, but like that with another group of people. it's not really a case of multiple identities, but just the net results of interacting with different people.

obviously these are ideas you might have thought of way earlier than i have. but generally these have been the lenses through which i've been rationalising with myself on all the things that i've observed of others and whatever that i'm experiencing myself.

on another note tomorrow we are going down to several new urban male outlets. can't wait to grapple with all those padded briefs and brazilian bikinis! haha.

hossan

the past few days have been crazy.

every single day i sleep at 12+am the earliest, but i'll be up and about by 7+ in the day and always in sch by 9+. in between i managed to squeeze in training, meetings, 2 presentations, a show, a networking session and actually completed the readings that i aimed to finish within tight schedule. it's amazing that i did all that i think! thank God.

talking about the show that i went to watch with clare at the national library. the hossan leong show! quite hilarious. it was a stand up comedy that was 1 and a half hours long. he's quite the entertainer, but i think i could not two or three jokes that fell rather flat. haha. but i liked the part when they had a talk show that centred around the mas selamat escape affair, and the one where he dressed up as a peranakan nyonya for the cooking segment. chua enlai's voice still irritates the hell out of me though haha. but it was great overall. although we missed out on the lucky draw prize narrowly, 'cos one of the winners whose seat number was called out was sitting right beside us. but it was a great escape from the crazy school schedule i've had this whole week. i appreciated the fact that i reached home early (740pm) today, and finally could play a bit of games to keep myself sane. but come tomorrow its back to work. a minor reprieve only for the night, and it won't solve any chronic sleeping shortages that i'm facing.

i think i've been winning the fight against the sleep demons, but someday i must succumb - for my own health i think. but like there's no time to waste! see how.

been quite a while since i blogged in the day and unshowered. haha.

last week was a blast thank you. but this week has just started but i can tell it will not play out that well. oh well.

looking forward to the show tomorrow though. i'm wondering if i will be stretched a bit too much this week, but let's just take the plunge.

raya

i should have blogged on this long ago but i keep forgetting - thank you very much to my dearest friends clarissa, anisah and faridah for the proper birthday gifts that i received from them. i really appreciate them a lot. especially as they were real surprises haha. thank you so much.

on another note as i was tagging photos on facebook just now my mom just came over to talk to me for quite some time. let's just say it's all about challenges one will face in adulthood. you know, about money, marriage, divorces, buying a home, buying a car etc etc. things that i've actually been thinking and worried about since my secondary school days. i wonder - with the very little capital that i have, and even with me probably joining the workforce in 2 years' time - will i have enough cash to support myself, my parents and get hitched along the way?haha. that's why i keep saying - life as primary school kid is still the best. so carefree and full of life.

abraham lincoln once said this - "in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. it's the life in your years."

well said. pardon me for my obsession with abraham lincoln's quotes. trust me, he's most probably the greatest president america ever had. and many others will vouch for that. but think about what lincoln said. i think it's true. one should really live life the way one wants it be and to the fullest possible.

on another note with the start of the month of syawal and this hari raya period, thankfully i feel i've found back my studying groove. thank goodness for that. i think i know why. but the point is it feels great to have found back my studying mojo. although i'm still facing a chronic lack of sleep, of which i wish other people could really help clear my sleepings debts by sleeping some hours for me. please? haha. with the advent of term essay deadlines and what not, it's really going to be a hectic 7 weeks ahead for me. i hope i will come out of it all unscathed and in one good piece.

lastly - the storm has probably died down but i'm not satisfied. here i am trying to do things to ameliorate the situation but obviously it has gone totally unnoticed and unappreciated. what else do i have to do then? as i have mentioned in my earlier posts - listen to all viewpoints before passing a sound judgement. parochial and partisan worldviews and mindsets will just hinder anyone from making sound and sane remarks or resolution. judge me for all you want, but judge me after you hear me out or at least hear my side of the story first. heuristics are of no use, especially when things are taken out of context and applied incorrectly. the only place for rumour-mongers and is the damned hellfire, where the fire burns eternally.

on another note have i mentioned that for my business module project, we are doing on new urban male? haha. i can really say it's going to be a blast - and my groups seems real happening. it will be a blast! haha.

did you know that num's logo of the sperm came after the stores were already up and running? now you know.

race

everytime raya beckons, it always becomes a racially-charged affair for me. haha.

not talking about the CMIO division - rather the subdivisions of the malay communities in singapore - you know the javanese, boyanese, bugis, minangkabaus, arabs, pure malays (or so they claim) etc etc. i'm half boyanese and half bugis - like a total minority in the sea of javanese in singapore.

why it becomes a racially-charged affair? because day 1 of hari raya is always spent visiting my father's relatives - mostly my grandfather's siblings and their assorted daughters and sons. it's a huge number. i think many other people just slack away at their grandparents' place on the 1st day of raya, whilst i'm already doing my rounds with my family, together with my immediate uncles and aunties and my cousins in tow. a whole convoy of us will just drive around, and the route has never changed for day 1.

so i go around visiting all these siblings of my grandfather(who's the oldest among his siblings, and my father is the eldest, and so am i yadda yadda yadda), and so its like i get drenched in all these boyaneseness haha. the tete-a-tetes are no more carried out in boyanese already, but you can just feel it. also it's typical for everyone to get questioned like-

When are you getting married? like for goodness sake i know 23 is the perfect age (or is it any age?)for malays to get married but i'm not so normative.

Got girlfriend already? haha. it sounds worse when they use the term 'cewek' my goodness. at least now i can so-called speak the truth haha.

Oh so today you drove the car around? haha even selling my backside can only get me the carburettor only.

Wah so big already! haha if they could really remember me i haven't really grown any taller in the past 7 years at least.

well thank goodness at least many know me by name, which is reassuring to me haha. it sucks to be known just as someone's son or something like that. but this time round i get suggestions like 'go find a boyanese wife, boyanese people power you know!' - i'm like what? it's like im being maligned so much in school for being a boyanese (no i don't do black magic sorry) and i think for these oldies, race matters to them very much - as it was when they were in their youths. youths nowadays can't even be bothered i guess since we are all crammed into that category called malay - of which even its definition is sensitive and highly political. in any case apparently i don't look boyanese at all - probably too fair, or my eyes are too big. but physically i don't even take after my dad(except for my ugly teeth and that i'm supposedly fair). thank goodness for that actually, if not i'll probably start balding like right now, have stubby fingers, slightly rotund and chinky eyes. haha.

so i look more like my mom - who is a full-blooded bugis. you don't hear much of the bugis people in singapore but you know what? at least the government sees something in these groups of people - enough to name a freaking mrt station after them! an mrt station! think about it - not teochew, hokkien, java, gujerati or what have you - but bugis! oh and the shopping centre too. there's also the information sign in the middle of bugis junction about the bugis people (or buginese).

did you know the bugis have been trading with the natives of australia a whole millenium before any europeans even heard of australia, let alone set foot on it? they are gutsy and adventurous by nature (both as traders and sadly, pirates and no, johnny depp isn't a closet buginese). apparently if you hadn't sojourned in your youth you wouldn't be called a man in those days.

just now i went back to my village where my grandmother stays, and where many of my mom's relatives also stay. a whole lot of bugis people there. it's interesting, going back to the kampong. it's like day 1 i'm spending raya in an urban, boyanese setting - and day 3 its a bugis and rural setting. and of course the usual questions get spewed at me but the thing is i think these buginese people are proud of their heritage - yet i think they just take it in their stride and not go off talking big about.

think about it - even the annoying javanese, with their clear majority in numbers in singapore - does the government even bother with naming street names, shopping centres and an mrt station after them?(i've heard of java road and kampung java road but these are minor roads). let's not even talk about the boyanese here haha. maybe it's because these people are from the rural areas, so supposedly they lead laidback lives - but you can see they are humble people with good values about them. i feel privileged that at least my mom is of this heritage and race, so i can hop on the bandwagon and claim 50% of it? haha. but i do feel it's something to be proud of.

don't get me wrong. haha i think it's really outdated of me to even talk about race like this - but it gives me a sort of 'unique' identity that i'm happy to carry around. my IC says i'm boyanese, yet im half boyanese and bugis. i feel honoured and blessed (to say proud wouldn't be precise) to have such a heritage, not conforming to the common discourse of being the javanese (which seriously, i've no idea what their heritage and history entails).

i like the fact that my family and my extended family (on my dad's side) tries to keep the familial and cultural bonds strong by visiting each other as much as they try to relive the famous pondok spirit of yesteryear. i like the humbleness of the bugis people, yet i believe them to be the most feisty and gutsy of people.

although, since my dad is the only male among his siblings, therefore the only real boyanese grandchild my grandfather has is me (i only have another sister). haha. so i'm the one to keep the flag flying high i suppose?

if they had a flag don't be surprised if you see horses on the flag. haha.

raya

hari raya is like a kedai mamak - it's just round the corner.

so this year my mom didn't make any orders for baju kurung for the family. so we'll be wearing what we wore 2 years ago, which is quite nice actually. i've always wondered when we will ever stop making baju kurung yearly. really, i hardly wear baju kurung throughout the year (even on fridays i wear a dri-fit tshirt to the mosque). so the many-many baju kurung that take up the space in my wardrobe just rot away not being used.

this year my house is like a bakery. the past week especially - everyday i go home there's always some new kuih to greet me when i reach home. at least 6 types now. and just now i saw that even kerepeks have been stowed away in the kitchen cabinets. though this year my mom and dad aren't weaving ketupats - something i've tried to learn doing since my primary school days, but it's probably among the most complex things malays ever invented. like seriously.

and next week is recess week - but it's gonna be filled up with raya outings i feel. aiyah. i should be studying a lot. especially when i still haven't found my studying impetus. it's quite disturbing. and somehow i've felt so much more lethargic and tired throughout the fasting month, which has been affecting my concentration in class. of course it's exacerbated by the fact i still play pes2009 and fm09 very often till late in the morning. haha.

and it seems like everyone is writing self-reflections on their blogs, to note if they've become a better person after a whole month of fasting. i don't think i actually have, and yes i've been quite lazy this past month. but this month i read quite abit of the Quran, i did my 1st ever qiyammulail (yayy!), performed my 1st ever tasbih prayers and never missed any prayers (i mean the compulsory 5 times a day) during the fasting month. i do keep up with my terawihs at home or at the mosque, and many times i have been able to break fast at home. there are times (not that many! haha) which i miss my prayers in my course of life and feel rather guilty about it, but i think during the fasting month this becomes even worse.

i'm not like criticising anyone out there but it's just my point of view - that if you don't do the compulsory stuffs (especially the 5 daily prayers) then you might as well not fast. personally i really think it's weird that a lot of people fast yet they don't keep up with their prayers. prayers is something one should be performing everyday of their lives, even outside of the fasting month. i don't see the point in fasting if one doesn't pray.

like when i was doing my NS and during the fasting month i had to go to taiwan as part of my training. i somewhat had problems keeping up with my prayers (which of course on hindsight i should have really done better). but my is thinking this - i could actually attempt to fast through the training, but if i was already having problems trying to do my prayers then i saw no point in keeping my fast. that was what i believed in. of cos it's quite an erroneous and controversial sort of thinking but you get my point right.

this actually went against another one of my beliefs - that i should always do what i can, to the best of my abilities, even though i know i probably might sin somewhere along the way. we all sin i suppose, sometimes unknowingly. but for me i try and do my part in doing damage limitation - i usually curse and cuss and swear when i talk sometimes( for example), and yes i admit i'm not pious or angelic but i mean i do try (i hope) to do good or perform my religious obligations as much as i think i can, trying to suit to the time and place and context. maybe i don't go all out, but i try to make sure my foundations are strong i suppose. although sometimes the temptations and the works of the Devil - something every human being faces every day.

but well i think this past fasting month has been quite average for me, but i think it's quite important that i've tried to do things that i've never done before, in the hope of gaining merit and also kickstarting something that i might want to continue doing in the future. like helping out in the qurban last hari raya haji, and the qiyammulail i did 3 weeks ago. and once raya and syawal kicks in - wow all the assignment deadlines will also come one by one. really looking forward to the end of the year actually.

the die is cast and the Rubicon has been crossed. but Rome is still far away. many roads lead to Rome, and certainly Rome wasn't built in a day.