appraisal

so my recruits have just passed out. another batch has ended. 1 more to go! haha. oh wells. i know i've not really been blogging the past month. it's just that firstly, i'm getting kinda lazy. secondly, there's nothing worth blogging about actually. so i'll just sum up what has happened so far.

last saturday i went to the comex straightaway after booking out. bought this photo all in 1 canon printer worth $179! haha i think i got myself quite a good bargain. but what to do with my current epson one, i don't know. but the canon pixma looks good. quite huge too, i had to lug it all the way home on a freaking trolley! and it came with cute speakers in the shape of 2 frogs, free! but i've yet to install it anyway, i'll probably do it the day after tomorrow.

oh and dad won this flat screen lcd computer monitor in a lucky draw! how cool is that eh? freaking cool lah! i mean its FREE! and it coincided with the purchase of the new printer. so basically, the upgrading of my cmputer system is virtually complete! ive changed my cpu, my printer, my mouse & keyboard(the keyboard got spoilt though), my screen! only left with the speakers, which ain't really important. oh and i got one of those bluetooth dongle, the ones that enables yr computer to be bluetooth enabled! it's quite cool know, so to those who haven't, GO GET ONE NOW! it's quite cheap, i got mine at only $12!

and i went with sha that same evening to the ucc at NUS to catch a malay contemporary dance performance. actually it was an interpretive dance lah. with scary effects here and there, but it was good overall. a valiant effort. i wonder how people can dance straight for over an hour. must have taken months and months of practice. my 1st time seeing an interpretive dance item, and it was quite an eye opener to me actually.

it hasn't been a good week for me in camp. the secret's out - im really the lowest rated commander in my company. apparently the recruits rate me very lowly. and the appraisal done by my recruits do seem to suggest so. i've been described as 'lazy','not spending enough time with the recruits' & 'slack'. my appraisal has been getting worse and worse ever since i came into this company. it's quite dampening to know that you do alot of behind-the-scences work yet people don't know how to appreciate it.

on a personal level, i admit i'm lazy. i know myself. but to say im lazy in my work? i think that's rather damning. nobody knows how much paperwork i have to do. the recruits always think i'm holing up in the office because i'm lazy and can't be bothered. they never know what happens behind the closed doors. the never know what appointments we hold, and never know the amount of workload we have. i have expectations and deadlines to meet, which the recruits will never know. they never know that i am among the busiest commanders in the company, and all they know is to rate me on the surface. they don't know me personally, and yet they expect things to happen from me when i'm so busy. can everyone please give me a break?

those who don't know me will know me as that stuck-up looking guy. because i don't like to talk to strangers and don't really mingle. i remember hasan telling me in jc, that he didn't really ike my face because i had a stuck-up face. its true. and the recruits seem to think so. they seem to think i'm a creature with no hear and with no feelings. which is totally not true. they don't know me. i don't treat recruits as my friends because they ARE recruits. this whole things is just another issue that just kinda makes me feel fucked up about myself. i know i got alot of things i'm weak at, but it isn't as if everyone's god damn perfect.

and i hate being faulted for things that isn't my fault. it has happened so many times, and i'm getting sick of it. things that aren't my fault becomes my business. i hate it alot. i hate it alot, really. i don't know what's wrong. it's okay if no one appreaciates what i do, but please when things go wrong, must it all come back to me? i swear one fine day i'll just flip. can everyone please just give me a break?

and today is the 6th of september. 7 years ago my beloved maternal grandpa passed away suddenly due to a sudden asthma attack. i remember the date because he passed away a day shy of my my 13th birthday. it caught all of us by surprise. i remember wailing so loud after i received the call from the relatives, since the whole family was out. when i think of him, i do regret never spending much time with him. he didn't know any english, but i know he loved his grandchildren alot. i wasn't his favourite, but i'm quite sure he loved me and my sister very much. when he was much younger, he had an obsession with motorcycles, i was told. had quite a few at any 1 time, including the classics like nortons and the sort. actually i miss being cuddled by him since he was the only one other than my mom to do so. i hope he's really resting in peace somewhere now, and i wish God grant him mercy and pardon him for any mistakes he's done if any.