so much for the lucky forehead. i lost my first match and with that i'm out. haha.

i was utterly disappointed with myself because i didn't put up a good and proper fight. i'm not upset because i lost, but more of how i lost. i thought it was a rather disgraceful showing. i totally could not execute any moves properly, and at the end of the day the opponent was much better than me. i got felled a few times, and even if there were a few unfair calls against me overall i accept i fared very poorly and my opponent did much better. it was embarassing to say the least, in front of all my friends and not put up a proper fight. i also showed my utter lack of fitness towards the end. after the match i just locked myself up in the toilet for around 15minutes and just leaned my head against the door and closed my eyes and thinking of what just happened. a lot of things just flashed through my mind during that time which seemed like forever. beads of sweat were still drippping down my face then. i couldn't help but feel that i should have performed at least much better. i don't think i want to watch my video of that match. at least not now. congrats to those who have proceeded to the next few rounds.

oh well. i joined silat in the first place not because of glory or medals - but because i want to try something new, something i might never have the chance to do again. i accept that for some reason or another i really have limited skills and abilities. years of playing football and badminton have never really improved my skills, and attempts to learn simple things like swimming and playing the guitar have failed. i give up easily sometimes and i lack discipline too but many times i really feel hampered by the fact that i really cannot master skills well. like some people have a talent to draw, or sing, or play the guitar, do sports, become it-savvy etc etc. i just can't grasp them. i'm very poor at things when it comes to being hands-on about it. it gets frustrating when i think of exactly what useful or worthwhile skill that i actually have, because it seems that i have none. this of course would not stop me from training. i might never improve in the future, but at least i should really try harder the next time round. i should still try even if i fail, but at least i must know i have tried. oh well, we'll see how the next 2 semesters pan out.

work is ultra boring. all i do is just stand around and give brochures and that's just about it. for 7 hours! haha. at least today wasn't so bad. because there were 5 of us at my area and we kept talking to each other to while away the time. if you ask me i prefer working at takashimaya last year, even if it is quite tough and the hours are long and all. then again generally speaking, work sucks and for all the pressures i get throughout my school life, i would rather read thousands of readings and type out essays than just do routine work every single day. seriously. oh well. at least i work till only close to the end of the month, and july i have lots of stuffs to do and things to occupy myself with.

it's a good thing the euros have started. i'm with holland, but i have an affection for portugal too. haha. good thing my house can tap on those free indonesian channels.