i talk about my sister because in the past few weeks i keep staring at her baby photos. i swear that she's the cutest most adorable baby ever. she had cheeks much chubbier than i did - to the point that when viewed from some angles her cheeks sort of blocked her eyes even. mom used to say my sister kept 2 pears on either side on her mouth inside. but she was really one adorable baby - every single time i stare at those photos i cannot help but smile. because her expressions were either expressionless (which was typical of my photos up till now) or always full of smiles. and in those photos she really looks adorable with those toothless smiles and that bald head of hers.

i was very happy and excited when my mom conceived a younger sister. i think many photos showed me posing with her, and i can sense that in the photographs i really liked to take photos with her. i would like to think that i really adored and loved her to bits. although maybe when we grew older my temper always made her cry, and i did ravage abuses at her in my fits of anger. my poor sister. i wonder how she feels, knowing that she has a brother with a hot temper and one who was much smarter academically than her.

when i was 9 or 10 i asked my mom for another sibling and the reply was - 'we can't, we don't have the money'. from then on my queries about having another sibling took on joking tones rather than hopeful ones. but maybe that was a another reason - why want another when i can't even treat her well? in the recent weeks that i've glossed over her baby photos i ended up tearing or crying, probably because of the guilt that i could have and should have been a better brother.

maybe if i had helped her in her studies she wouldn't lag far behind that much. maybe if i didn't lose my temper so easily maybe i would have earned more respect. i do care for her, but maybe it is not enough. i know she once blogged about her dissatisfaction with me and my laziness in the house, but who can blame her? i hope she knows that i care in other ways. when i reach home every day the first thing i do is check her room and ask my mom where she was if she wasn't home. i've bought many things for her, from her running shoes to bags to small things like waffles from the bakery. if my mom last time asked me to fetch her from her kindergarten i would glady do so. mom says i'll ever only have a sister that i will have to care for as my parents pass off from the scene and as we grow older. hence i must learn how to treat her better. i hope i can take on that mantle. i think every sibling only wants the best for their other sisters and brothers, and so do i. God help me become a better brother.

On another note examinations period is long over. for the first time i felt mostly relaxed throughout the whole period - despite risking getting a poor grade for the damned real estate module. other than that i wouldn't say i am confident, but i think the whole period wasn't that pressurising. earlier this week i consulted my professor on possible topics for my honours thesis, and i hope my eventual chosen topic will be a form of salvation for me. i need something engaging for me to want to do research on.

the past few days have been wasted doing either totally nothing or spent training silat. when nothing is on i am usually at home playing winning 11 non-stop from noon to midnight, with prayer and lunch breaks in between (thank God for prayers, if not seriously i would totally forget religion). i just only finished reading steve berry's the romanov prophecy, upon the reccomendation of a friend. a very good book. i really enjoy thrillers that mix real history and fiction, so cue dan brown and steve berry for now. the romanov prophecy involves re-reading excerpts of russia's romanov's past and it is really intriguing. russia's history, whether its communist or its tsarist past, if extremely fascinating to me. the book revived my interest in russian history, at least for a while.

so my holidays will be quite packed. i have training, than the competition at the end of the month. in between will be class outings, maybe a bit of prawning and karaoke slotted here and there. i hope to read up for my thesis, and also bring myself to watch those dvds that i've held on to from other people for at least 2 and a half years. goodness. it doesn't help that i think a flu is developing, but i hope i'll be fine. unless the ensuing sickness can help me lose 2 kg, then i wouldn't mind! haha.

on another i would just like to point out that summarising and simplifying, to the point of twisting words, are totally different processes and they obviously produce different outcomes. the careless and naive tongue is of no good to the owner.

and everyone should know their place in this world. maybe one day posers will come to their senses.